Hi

All my life I have been interested in figure skating and have been desperate to learn. Its been a life long dream and I was overjoyed when I started to have lessons at the beginning of May. I have been attending the arena two days per week since April and absolutley loving every single minute of it.

However a couple of things have happened over the last month and I feel that I just cant face the ice. I dont know if this is temporary or is going to be a permenant thing.

Firstly the school holidays. This has made it virtually impossible to practice on ANY of the public sessions. The arena are running a bumper ice skating package for the public from July up until September when the school holidays should be finished. These sessions run from 11am - 4.30pm and offer free skate hire. The ice is almost packed to capacity every day and is a seriously dreadful state. However for the month previous to this the ice was taken over with school trips with figures from 150-200 public skaters again making the public sessions unbarable.

To combat some of this I was invited by my coach to use the patch sessions. Great/ wonderful only I find that I am intimidated by the higher level skaters and I stick to a tiny piece of ice so that I dont get in anyones way. I do have the ability to get out of someones way, but Im mindful that these higher level skaters are or will be competing and have to work through their programs, so I stay the hell out of the way. Unfortunately Im unable to practice, sure I can use a tiny patch of ice to work on my 3turn but I cannot risk getting in anyones way to work on crossovers, slalom, spirals, or anything else. Im finding that the freestyle/patch session is too restrictive and this is probably my own issue becuase I am so mindful not to skate in anyone elses way. However I must add, this doesnt work when the boot is on the other foot. No one would seem to give a stuff if they skated in my way, so maybe I just ought to be tuffer.

This alone has started to make me frustrated and it seems since July I have been coming off the ice frustrated with myself becuase I havent acchieved what I intended to. I appear to be just wasting my time at present.

The 2nd thing that happened was that on the 1st August, my grandmother sadly passed away at home. This has knocked me sideways and I have never ever taken a death this badly. My grandmother has always been there for me in my life. I didnt have a very stable childhood and nan was one source of stability that I could count on. Now she has gone. For 31 years if ever ive needed anyone to talk to, she has just always been there. I feel that I am NOT ALLOWED to grieve her passing. I am reminded time and time again that life goes on, household chores still have to continue, my kids still need seeing to and caring for, the shopping still has to be done, cooking, etc nothing to do with the living world changes. I find if I take some time for myself and think and try to come to terms with this bereavment I am asked thoughtless questions such as 'whats up with you, why have you got a miserable face on again bla bla' Yes sure its fine, other people may have coped with this very well, its not 3 weeks yet since her death and I feel that I am being chastized for feeling the need to grieve.

All these things combined I just feel that I cannot face the ice. I should have skated last week and couldnt face it. I am supposed to be skating this afternoon and again, I just cannot face it. I am wracked with nerves and low selfesteem and I dont think I have the confidence to set foot on the ice.

I am worried that this may be a permenant thing. I loved skating with all my heart and it seems my happy bubble has burst. Usually I cannot wait to get to the arena and become lost with skating but now I dont think I can realistically see myself there at the moment.

I dont know if this is just a grieving process thing or have the issues with the damn public put me off. I just dont know and I cant think straight.

Andrea xx

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this Andrea. Just before Xmas, I went through a bereavement myself, though nowhere near the scale of yours. I didn't want to do anything - and that included stepping foot in the ice rink. Friends told me to lose myself in work (not an option I appreciated), but I eventually ended up losing myself in skating instead. From that perspective, I can tell you that it does get better. Please do ignore people's comments though - grieving is necessary and everyone does that in their own way and their own time.

As for patch, can you perhaps skate on a different patch session? I find that in busier sessions, I'm definitely stuck in a corner, practising turns and my spin, but in others I may be the only one on the rink, and so can venture out and do more space-consuming things. I know which sessions are which, and go to the busier sessions also - they just serve a different purpose.

I hope that things brighten for you soon, and your enthusiasm returns.

Minty

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"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
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Andrea, I'm sorry to hear about your Nan. I recently lost my Grandma who was like a second mother to me and I remember people would say hurtful things like "why are you so upset, it was only your Gran". What you have to remember is that unfortunately some people never get to be really close to their grandparents, which is such a sad thing. You and your Nan were obviously very close and it is perfectly normal for her death to hit you hard. Just ensure that you deal with it how you want to, and ignore how everyone else says that you should be feeling. My Gran died just over a year ago and I am still coming to terms with her not being here for me.

As for skating, I only started in May too and I have had to skate patch during the school holidays. I remember my first session was very intimidating but since then I've made friends with the regulars and they have all been very supportive and welcoming. We all start somewhere and provided that you avoid people who are in their programs, you have as much right to practice your crossovers and other moves as the higher level skaters who practice theirs. Perhaps speak to your coach about your concerns? I had a word with mine about feeling intimidated and he soon put my mind at rest about my right to be on patch.

I'm sorry, Andrea. I can certainly understand that when you're grieving, you just don't have the energy to do anything that's too "hard"--and fighting the crowds is definitely hard, especially when you're unused to it.

First, I think that if you want to make the effort to skate right now (and not just wait until school is back in session--that's really not all that long from now, and a break might be warranted in any case), you should definitely skate on a patch session. If nothing else, the ice is kept in better condition. But also, on a public session, people usually have no clue of the direction you may take--on a patch, the higher level skaters generally have a pretty good idea of where you'll be and go, when they see what you're working on. They can avoid you pretty well, and are very used to it, so don't worry yourself too much.

Talk to your coach about how you're feeling. Perhaps there's a lesser-used patch session (even if you have to get up super-early or something). But definitely ask your coach HOW to skate a patch and ASSERT yourself. All too often, I think coaches just toss a new skater into the fray, and don't give any instruction on how to skate on a busy session. They don't tell you where you should skate, and where you definitely shouldn't (lutz corners), and they don't give any tips on how to tell what a higher level skater may do next. There really is a method and pattern to what they're doing, but it can be hard to decipher for a beginning skater. Once you've had some experience, you'll know that if they go here, like this, then most likely they're next going to go there, like that. Perhaps you can ask your coach to observe you on a session and give you help on when to move, and when to hold your ground, etc.

(I've found that because beginners aren't aware of the usual patterns of certain moves, that if they try to get 'out of the way' of a higher-level skater, they tend to move directly into the way, because they didn't realize that the pattern wasn't really going straight, but was curving---or vice versa. Some serious observing is usually called for.)

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Andrea: I am so sorry to learn of your loss. I am also sorry to learn of your struggle with ice time and even your motivation for it.

3 weeks after such a significant loss is not really long enough to expect to feel "normal". You say your "not allowed" to grieve and site your daily responsibilities still exist and that others may appear to expect a perkier mood state. I suspect that the only person not really allowing the grief is you. You are seeing in the faces, words and behavior of others your own attitude about what should be happening right now. Projecting on to others is also a common thing when significant events shake our world.

I don't think your feelings are debatable and I doubt others will think so either. But your behavior is debatable. Grief can't be dictated by others and in fact can't be even by the person experiencing it! Most people are not dictating in the first place..they are just trying to relate. You may not feel like attending to your daily life and activities right now. Most don't. But if you choose to behave based on your feelings, then you will extend the time to recover. Giving yourself reduced responsibility right now is probably a good idea. It takes a lot of emotional energy to grieve. Reaching out to others is a way to make sure your life continues in a much more fulfilled way.

What you will find is that most people want to help when they understand there is a problem they can be empathetic to. Adult children from less than supportive homes have been trained to go internal and they use up all their emotional resources. Next time someone says you look like you have a miserable face on admit that it is there for a reason. It is a gift to them as it presents an opportunity for intimacy. You gave your grandmother that gift. I bet it enriched her life. She gave it back to you. Her passing is a huge loss as there is no replacement for that kind of validation. But don't assume that feeling nurtured and cared about is no longer a possibility. We are social beings and seek it out from others in an entire social network. Share that gift with others.

You don't need confidence to begin getting back on the ice. You need logic. Let your head drive and the emotions will follow in a better direction. Go to the rink or attend to your life responsibilities without the expectation of having a great time or even a good time. Go with the attitude that you are there because you need to not because you want to. You will find that if you push through the behaviors, your emotions will catch up soon enough.

I am glad that you risked and reached out on this board. Please keep us updated on how your doing. This is one format of a social network but is probably the least intimate of all. Real time relationships are critical right now. Hope you will reach out there too!

Good luck.

Andrea, I'm so sorry about your loss, I know theres not much anyone else can say that will make you feel better other than you're not on your own. When I lost my Nan I made my very first, and long anticipated, visit to an ice rink to help me clear my head. the school holidays are a pain, but in 2 weeks you can go back to the comfort of your usual routine without the pressure of your childrens daily demands (I have 2 and I wouldn't be without them for anything but I'm still counting the days down till I get some 'me space' back!!!!) you need to go easy on yourself- correct me if I'm wrong but I'm guessing you are a perfectionist who is probably feeling a little out of control right now. We all deal with grief differently and sometimes those closest to us don't know what to say or do to help us. Give yourself a chance Andrea, and PM me if you need to talk.

x

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Loving it, Loving it, Loving it!!!!!

Sorry to hear about your loss Andrea. I have always found that going on the ice acts like therapy for me as I can lose myself in what I am doing and not dwell on whatever else is bothering me - just gives me a break really - and I feel better able to cope afterwards. I really miss it now that I can't skate for a while because of my back problem.

I can understand that fighting your way round a public session is not going to have the same effect but there are only a few weeks before school starts again. As for patch - you only have to get out of the way of someone who is on the music or skaters in a lesson with their coach (if your rink rules are same as ours anyway). If your coach thinks you are good enough for patch then you have every right to be there - you pay the same price for it.

I have found the morning patches are pretty quiet during the holidays (kids all want a lie-in!) so it may just be a case of going to the right one.

I'm sure you will find your enthusiam returning once you have had more time to come to terms with your loss and once the school term restarts.

Take care of yourself.

Andrea, take the time you need to grieve - it can't be rushed (like childbirth, there's absolutely no way out of grief, only through it). It's quite normal not to want to skate when you're grieving. Some people find it helps, because it takes their mind off it, but others can't face the rink at all. There's no "right way", and you can only do what's right for you.

When you do skate, though, you are as entitled to be on the patch as anybody else. Why not have a talk with your coach about what you feel like when you're on the ice, and how scared you feel. He or she will be able to reassure you and show you how you can learn to tell what other people's patterns are, and so on.

You'll find that next week will be a lot quieter, as there's a major qualifier for the British Championships so all the elite skaters and their coaches will be in Sheffield. This week, however, is particularly nerve-wracking for everybody!

Anyway, there's only two more weeks until they go back to school....

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Andrea, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can also understand the feeling of powerlessness you have on the ice right now. I think the two most important things right now are to find a way to express your grief and to do whatever you can to keep yourself from going into depression.

Can you see a counselor to talk about your feelings? My hunch is that this is a very deep thing, since it isn't just a loss, it's the loss of the one person in your family who made you feel unconditionally loved. There are so many issues connected to that, and if you don't work through them now, it could be unhealthy for you.

Also, exercise helps keep people from succumbing to depression, so even if you decide to take a break from skating until school is back in session and the public sessions are back to normal, you should still do some sort of exercise. Can you go jogging for 20 minutes every morning? The endorphins will help you start your day feeling more positive and you won't get sucked into that downward spiral of inactivity. Then, as soon as school is back in session, you should do yourself a favor and go check out your usual public session. Summers are crazy, but once everything is back to normal, skating can be that one stable thing in your life that is always there for you regardless of what else is going on. I know skating has gotten me through so much emotional crap I could never give it up!

(((Big hug)))

Hopefully this is not the end of skating for you!!!! Do not feel like you have to stay in the corner of the rink because the higher level of skaters are practicing. If you are in there way all they say is excuse me....(i get in there way all the time and nothing ever happened to me)don't stay in the corner it is harder to learn there.
Any way about the public sessions. Talk to your coach. usually in the center of the rink they will put out cones for serious skaters. Also talk to the rink staff tell them and they can sometimes even guard the circle of cones to make sure noone comes in. Try to pick public sessions on the weekend (if there are any) usually the camps only have feld trips on week days and/or closed.
~
I am so sorry to hear about your loss! My father has been going in and out of surgery the past 4 months. The only way that I could cope was with skating. Let all of your emotions on to the ice. I had the same problem with my "nanny" dieing to for that year I always pictured her in the bleachers sitting and watching me only. Don't lose hope. If you let every thing get to you the way you are feeling may be permanant, just don't lose hope!

I think the best thing for you to do is talk to others about your concerns. Believe me, everyone has been in the exact situation of feeling in the way or intimidated of high level skaters. I remember when I felt that way..I was constantly terrified of being in the way of the 14 and 15 year old girls who were landing doubles. Unfortunately some skaters and coaches become angry when someone gets in their way...but most skaters and coaches just brush it off and move on. It happens. I love skating on sessions with adult beginner freestylers because they are SO respectful! Plus they are just too much fun! I make a point to tell all of the adults not to get out of my way..I will just work around them. I'm the faster and stronger skater, therefore it is my responsibility to watch out for them.

If I were you I would talk to the coaches and the skaters of the session. Tell them that you are somewhat new, but you want to improve your skating skills too! Ask them how you can stay out of their way while still practicing your moves. I'm sure they will be impressed with your courtesy. You will probably make friends too, and they might give you a few tips here and there! Please don't let this minor issue discourage you! :-)

It's hard being the "new kid" but once they see your determination and hard work, you will win them over. It worked for me. As far as being intimidated, it happens.

I'm sorry for you losing your friend. The fact that she was also your grandma makes it even harder. It may take a long time and other people never understand your own pain. Don't make excuses for it to them. I lost a child when I was 4 months pregnant and it still hurts. People just don't understand the pain of losing someone close to you.

Keep skating, it tends to be cathartic and healing. School will start soon and the sessions will empty. Soon you will be making way for other adult beginners!!!

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Skate@Delaware
Ah, show skating!!! I do it for the glitter!

Hi Andrea

May I join all the others in offering my condolences(sp) for your loss.

(((((hug))))

S xxx

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There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

Hi

Thankyou everyone for your kind words of condolance and encouragement.
I think at the moment when I really look at things, I seem to have lost my get up and go for everything, not just the skating. I am finding myself not leaving the house unless I really have to, sitting in my room most of the day and not really getting involved with much. I believe that this is part of the grieving process and I suppose I am just going to have to ride it out.

As for skating, when I read these posts and trully sat and thought about what it would be like not to skate again, that would be another great loss and sure Ive had enough of those lately.

As of Thursday I feel that I am going to push myself and make the effort to go up to the arena. I will not expect great things from myself, but just take it easy and try to enjoy skating rather than pushing myself for results. If I dont do this I am just gonna stagnate in my room and wallow in grief, which isnt good for anyone.

I will keep you updated but I am determined now to skate Thursday. It will have been 3 weeks, I bet im nervous as hell.

Thanks again everyone you are a very supportive forum

Andrea xx

Unfortunately I couldnt face it, my daughter had a nasty accident so skating wasnt on the agenda for yesterday. Maybe more luck next week.

Oh dear - I hope your daughter is all right now. Poor you, you are having a time of it!

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Andrea, things will improve for you, its just a matter of time and we all have our own ways of dealing with it, just do what you are comfortable with without pressuring yourself.

My father used to come and watch me skate occasionally, he was in his 80's at that time and used to freeze, he wanted me to take my test when he was very ill in hospital and was thrilled that I passed. I now skate in honour of him.

I do hope your daughter gets better soon, kids are tough cookies.

Best of Luck
Samba

Hi

Yeah my 6 year old is having a bit of a rough time. I had to get her to hospital in an ambulance. Basically she was fine, playing outside as usual when she came in for an ice lolly. About 2 minutes later she came in crying and lots of blood gushing from her mouth.

She had gone out, put the ice lolly in her mouth stick side instead of the ice. Thrown up a basket ball into the air which came down and hit the end of the ice lolly thus knocking the stick back into her mouth, piercing the soft palate at the back not far from her tonsil. This left a cm gaping hole in her mouth that was bleeding profusely.

She has a very sore throat now and is restricted to ice cream, jelly and yogurt for a few days so that it will slide down easily and not reopen the wound.

There is a saying it never rains but it pours, how true is this.

The kids have one more week off school and then the summer holidays will be over, hopefully I will resume skating then and Ill be in a much better frame of mind.

Andrea xx

Andrea, ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))). So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my granny almost 13 years ago, and it still hurts sometimes when I think of her. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve--balanced with doing small things for yourself that are good for you and you know you need to do (like others said, exercise, talking with someone, just getting out of the house). I find that grief comes and goes--just when you think, "wow, I'm starting to feel more normal now," another wave of sadness will pass through you and oh, it just hurts.

Hang in there.

Oh, poor little girl! I must admit that my mother was a bit paranoid about that sort of thing and we had a rule - which I repeated and enforced with my daughter - that you didn't move one single step with a lolly or whatever in your mouth; you had to hold the stick and, preferably, be sitting down to eat it.

Scrambled eggs will probably go down easily, too.

Never mind, as you say, they will be going back to school very soon!

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Mrs Redboots
~~~~~~~~
I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Yes - we used to have the same rule in our house. I remember as a child that it drove me mad, but in hindsight it was probably very sensible.

Andrea, I hope she gets well soon and I sincerely hope that your run of misery has now ended.

Well I returned to skating today after having 5 weeks off. I expected that I would be useless and find that I would be skidding everywhere but I was quite surprised.

It took me about 20 minutes to get used to the feel of the ice again and then I feel I skated better than I have ever done. I had absolutley no problems doing forward and backward slalom and backward crossovers in both directions, all of these were things I was struggling with before I had my break and today found them extremely easy.

I dont know how I could have ever thought that I was losing my feel and enthusiasm for the ice. Getting back today was like a breath of fresh air and I am very much looking forward to Thursday now when I will resume my lessons.

Id like to thank everyone for their support over the last few weeks. Life has been extremely difficult and hard to cope with but having a sounding board and reading all your kind words of encouragement, has certainly made a difference.

Thankyou guys

Andrea xx

Wow that's great news, well done Andrea, you are one brave lady, may you continue to go from strength to strength, but dont be hard on yourself if you have the odd bad day, its normal.

Cheers
Samba

Oh, I'm so glad to hear it! Glad you're back.

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Hi Andrea

It's really good to hear you're back. I've been feeling down recently, and to read your post and all you've been through, yet you've picked yourself up, got back onto the ice and skating better than ever, has really inpsired me.

You go gal!

S xx

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There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"