Parents take a lot of criticism for not sticking to "their role" when it comes to figure skating. The criticism can be downright hostile. No one tells parents when their child starts in the sport what they are supposed to do. We kind of learn as we go. What, exactly is a parent's role? Can someone define it?

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Babyskater's Mom

You'll get a variety of answers. Here's my opinion, in no particular order. As a parent,

1. You pay the bills: the coaching fees, ice fees, competition fees, club fees, etc. You're the money person. (Pay the coach on time and you'll have a positive relationship. This is how they make their living.)
2. Get your skater to his/her lesson on time and make sure they are on the ice when the lesson is scheduled to start.
3. If your child is not able to attend a scheduled lesson, you call the coach and let them know. Depending on the age of child, some parents will have the skater call the coach.
4. You make sure that your child's skates are sharp and they are properly clothed for the lesson.
5. You let the coach coach. You pay him/her because of their expertise. Do not interrupt the lesson unless their is an emergency or if you feel that your child's safety is in question.
6. Be involved with your child's progress. Ask questions after each lesson. Watch the lesson and observe how the coach teaches and how your child learns.
7. Don't bad mouth or disrespect the coach in front of your child. If you have concerns, talk to the coach; if you still have concerns afterwards - find another coach.
8. Depending on the age of your child, be prepared to hear complaints about the coach. There will be days when your skater is overly sensitive and feels like he/she are being picked on.
9. Don't become one of the dreaded skating parents. I've seen quite a few who try to instruct from the stands, complain, get impatient with either the coach or their childs progress, etc. Participate by being supportive of your child and coach. Teaching is rewarding and challenging; learning is not easy.
10. Ask questions. If you and your skater are new to the sport, there's nothing that says you can't learn as well. Talk to the coach after each lesson. Don't be upset if the coach can't talk to you right away; they'll usually have another lesson to go to.
11. If your skater is a teenager, include them in the decision process.
12. As your skater gets older or becomes more experienced, it may not be necessary to watch every lesson from beginning to end.

As a parent, you're skater is your child and that's you're ultimate role.
I'm sure I'm forgetting some key points, but this should get the comments going.

i have heard parents called "skate moms" just for sitting and watching their kids skate...surely this would be okay? I just talked to a mom today who has to sit at the rink because she comes from so far away and can't go home during lessons...and she was called, derisively, a skate mom...lady does not interfere with coaches so it seems kind of harsh when used as a "bad word" (skatemom)...

I have seen many parents who drive from far away go out of the rink while their child is skating. They can use this time for themselves whether it is to run errands, go shopping, etc.

Some rinks don't allow parents in the stands. They have to stay in the lobby. I think there have been a lot of problems w/ parents trying to "coach". Many will literally yell at their children.

Kay

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A skate mom is not someone who just watches their child from the stands. Of course it's okay to do that. While no official defination exists, a skate mom (or parent) is someone who is obsessed with the progress or lack of progress of their child, a parent who is overly involved in their childs skating to the detriment of their skater and other skaters and who attempts to put themselves in a power position in order to obtain benefit for their skater.

Your friend should be applauded to going the extra mile for her child.

It's not just mothers, alas. I know of an appalling "Skating Dad", who was telling his child what to practice and then criticising him. The man can barely skate himself and the child is extremely good for his age. I saw the kid do an excellent step-sequence, but just bodged the last step, whereupon Dad had to comment on that, and not on the superb steps that had gone before him. I said, grinning, in the kid's hearing: "Oh K-, you are mean; J- did a fantastic sequence until he tripped, and anybody can trip!" But what I wanted to say was really rather rude! An it's not as if J- wouldn't practice left to himself, either. Still, he's not my kid, and I can't really interfere - but I can, and will praise him when he's just skated well. Besides which, he gave me an idea for something to incorporate into my step sequence!

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

You're absolutely right about that. We should say skating parents. I've met fathers who are just like the one you described.

With all of the problems I've been reading about - coach's misconduct with child - I find it odd that people would suggest that parents drop their child off at the rink and not be there to supervise or protect their child. Just because a child can skate doesn't mean they are ready to handle adult situations. I never leave my child alone. I've never had to worry about someone harming her, either. I tell her to beware but then I'm there to make sure she is ok.

My idea of a parent's role comes from my experiences and what I have learned from my child's coaches. The coach prior to the ones she has now would very much like it if all parents stayed clear of the rink at all times. She spent a lot of time doing things that I would be embarrassed to do like hollering her head off at little kids, calling them names and skipping lessons. She needed to be watched. Obviously, we left her.

The coaches our daughter has now welcome parents and work in partnership with them. These coaches have very successful records and conduct themselves in a manner that is appropriate and fitting for people who work with children. They expect me to do the basic things like pay, dress my child appropriately and do what they ask me to do for my child but they also expect me to supervise my child and make sure her behavior is proper. Unfortunately, although my child absolutely adores skating, she wasn't born with a great work ethic. That's where I have to step in. It's an ongoing process to help her develop in that area.

Our child's coaches teach skating and prepare our child to be competitive. They aren't baby sitters and can't be responsible for my child's behavior or work habits. That is parenting and the coaches have no desire to fill that role. How can I fill that role if I am at the mall?

Icedancesk8er, I appreciate your post. I think you did a good job of laying out the big picture. And you are so right - Your skater is your child. That is the priority.

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Babyskater's Mom

I agree with all of the prior listed attributes and duties of a skating parent. There are so very many details to attend to and it grows incrementally as a skater rises in the ranks. It is such solace to me at times to talk with another skating parent because they know the depth and length of committment it takes to support such a dream. However, what to me is the MOST important role I have is to make sure that my daughter is a whole person at the end of all of this. That she has her self esteem intact and her ego in check; that she does not rely on the surface rewards of skating to fill a hole in her because she missed so much of her childhood, or the only thing valued about her was her skating; that she knows that life outside of a rink and competions is vast and rich; that she values the beauty and artistry of skating as much as, or even more than, winning. I keep these goals forefront in my mind as a skating parent amidst the zillions of duties and the gargantuan mileage. As noble as all of that sounds, my little one just had her first competition and made sure that I had her priorities straight. I gave my normal speech about enjoying herself...that winning wasn't important, but doing her best and having fun was important. She looked me square in the eye and said, "But Mama, winning IS fun!" So, there you go.

Surely it very much depends on the age of the child, and how well you know the rink and the coach? Obviously, you wouldn't leave a 5-year-old on their own, unless they had a friend with a mother who was prepared to keep an eye on both skaters, but someone of 13 or 14 is well able to practice alone while you go to the supermarket or even, as one mother I know used to do, go swimming.

It's not as if the coach is being left alone with your child, or is anywhere private with them - there will be other coaches and skaters on the ice. The best thing is to chum up with a couple of other mothers, so you can sit together and chat, or read, or knit, or whatever until the coach is ready to come to you to discuss your child's progress and tell you how they skated in their lesson.

Of course, the other thing you can do is to learn to skate yourself, so that you can practice together after the lesson!

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Bravo, icemama. I was going to reply along a similar vein, but you put it so much better than I could have.

IceDanceSk8er has a good list of the skating parent's role. Basically it boils down to 1. acting professionally when dealing with the coach. For instance, it would be unprofessional of my employer to be haphazard with MY paycheck, I certainly don't expect the coaches to feel any differently about theirs. In return, I can expect (and do receive) a certain amount of professionalism from them - showing up on time for lessons, timely cancellations only when necessary or when a valid illness or emergency occurs, etc. In spite of the fact that you can and do form personal friendships with coaches, bottom line is it's still a business/professional relationship and should be treated as such. And 2. Supporting your child and keeping their best interest as a top priority. Most of the coaches I've ever seen (certainly all of the ones we've worked with personally) have their skaters' personal best interests at heart too - keeping the lines of communication open with coaches goes a long way towards resolving any conflicts here.

I don't think there's one "right" or "wrong" on this one. You have to go with your own instincts and what's right for your own situation. I mean, my daughter goes to school every day and I'm not there to see firsthand what's going on. The possibility exists for something horrible to happen there, too. And there's the flip side, I've witnessed a couple of on-ice situations that were inappropriate in my opinion, and the parent was sitting right there in the stands watching the lesson and did nothing.

I do think it depends on the age and maturity of the skater as to whether they can be left alone at the rink for any period of time. I certainly wouldn't do it with a really young skater (say 5 or 6 year old), but as the kids get into their pre-teen years I see them just getting dropped off more frequently. Particularly in the summer when they are off of school. Again, it all depends on your personal comfort level. From my observation of these kids on a parental level, we've got a really nice group at our rink and I can't think of any instances of blatant misbehavior due to non-supervision. When they are on the ice, they are generally working, and if they've got a break in between freestyles, someone usually has a deck of Uno cards out or something.

You're absolutely right - the coach should not be expected to babysit, but at some point the kids also have to be a little bit independent on the ice. Even when I am on the ice I try not to get too tied up in what she is doing, or tell her what to practice. That's between her and her coach, and if she doesn't want to work on what she's supposed to, she's only hurting herself.

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed in the replies to this topic, because not once have I seen anyone mention getting involved in the club that is making the activity available to your child. As an officer in a small club, I know that if the parents don't get involved even in a small way, then the club and the ice and lessons it provides will cease to exist.

The vast majority of skating clubs in the United Staes are run by volunteers, who are mostly parents of skaters, who donate their time - in some cases, as much time as a full time job - in support of their own and everyone else's children. I don't know one club that couldn't use a few more hands - or feet - or bodies - to help.

So I'd add "Get involved with the club at you child's rink." to the list. Supporting the club helps your skater too.

Yes, this is a very valid point. However, not all rinks have a skating club associated with them. Our figure skating program and freestyle ice are run strictly by the rink and are not really affiliated with a particular club, so that opportunity isn't as available to us as it might be for some. We have a large club that is spread out over a large geographical area, at several rinks, and there isn't much of a feeling of camaraderie among the skaters because of that.

I do work as an ice monitor at our club comp every year and enjoy that very much. So much that when another local club who has skaters at our rink was putting together their competition, I signed up to work as an ice monitor there, also, even though we aren't members of that club. Actually, I have been contemplating switching our membership to this club for awhile anyway, in part because it is a smaller club and there seem to be more opportunities to get involved in that club at the grass roots level. Our current club only seems to be interested in the more elite skaters - there just isn't much there other than a "name" for those of us not on that track.

No argument here. What I'm referring to is when parents are encouraged to drop their child off at the door every day and leave - stay uninvolved. They have almost nothing to do with their child's skating. Skating is a big part of their child's life and they know nothing about it. I think that's a mistake. I think kids talk to parents who are involved. How can you help your child if they find themself in a bad situation if you are out of the loop? It's fine not to hawk eye your teenager as long as you do get there and stay involved.

Our rink may be a little different than most. It is in a large metropolitan area - near an airport. It is a training center for a couple of professional sports teams (and some major ice skaters, too). The club doesn't control the ice. The corporation who owns the rink controls it. So, although I trust my child's coaches without reservation and I have NO thoughts that they would harm my child ever, there are lots of people I do not know wandering around the rink. Our rink is a public place and I would no more leave my child alone there than drop her off alone at the park.

I have always thought it was ridiculous how parents are so frequently told that they are just the bill payer, they can support their child and other than that, butt out. Some parents don't feel welcome at the rink. I'm my child's parent 24 hours a day whether or not she is wearing skates.

I've already gotten myself committed to that. Back when my child could barely stand up in a pair of skates, I promised her I would take adult lessons when she got her double axel. She's soooo close now. Soon I will be taking your advice. Ready or not.

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Babyskater's Mom

I am copying something that I once copied from a skating club website, which, unfortunately, I didn't link at the time and I am not able to give credit for the article. I think it states very well what a parent's role should be. When my daughter started in figureskating I was totally lost for so long and I began reading whatever information I could find on the internet to help me deal with so many unknowns. This piece of info. helped me greatly.

""The parent's role

Skating can be a confusing and expensive sport, and the parent forms a pivotal role in any younger skater's sport. The best way you can help your skater is to learn about the sport yourself, so that you can make informed decisions in consultation with your coach. Understanding the complexities of tests, competitions, jumps, spins, and all the other areas takes some time. Understanding the elements of the sport allows a parent to understand when a skater has skated well or poorly, and to note progress. In addition it helps when discussing the sport with the skater, and assisting them in setting personal goals. Spending time at the rink allows the parent to observe the interaction between coach and skater, and gives some idea of the aims and objectives at any point in the career. As well it shows the skater that you are interested in their skating, and eases the pressure of competition. The balance between being supportive, and obtrusive is maybe hard to judge, and it is important that parents as well as skaters maintain a balanced approach to the sport. The coach is the best judge of the skater's progress, but parents should get to know the coach, and make sure they understand the coach's view of the skater's abilities and progress.

Parents have a further responsibility to the coach and the club. You can help your coach by getting the skater to the rink on time, paying coaching bills promptly, and by letting the coach know if your skater will not be attending a regular session. The Club is run by volunteers - consider becoming one. People are always needed to serve on the executive, play music, help with fund-raising, assist with ice-shows or competitions. "

A lot of the things were already mentioned in other posts. But this sums it up nicely, I think. Figure skating is a beautiful sport and we should enjoy our children as they learn the skills of skating as well as so many other life skills , including organization, time management, how to win, how to lose, independence, risk-taking, fitness, nutrition, respect for themselves and others, appreciation of music and dance, creativity and a great work ethic. In no time at all, they will move on to another phase of their lives (college and then the workforce) and our role as skate parents will end. I'm almost there now as my daughter is turning into quite an independent, bright and beautiful young lady who still enjoys skating, but also ballet, cheerleading, school sports and theatre arts (she is quite an actress), as well creating beautiful works of art in the kitchen. In Junior High she took Home Economics as an option, enjoyed it so much she enrolled in cooking/baking classes offered in our area and for the past year has been "cooking up a storm" in the kitchen. Her dreams are now to make a difference in a child's life as her goal is to become an orthodontist. I feel blessed.

Good point, blue111moon. I'm just so exhausted from volunteering for our club...board meetings, fundraising, competitions, ice shows, tests...that sometimes I don't think straight!!!!!

Well, when you put your skates on, come over and join us on the "Skaters" forum, and we'll give you all the help and encouragement you could wish for!

Incidentally, when does being a skating parent end, do you suppose? I'm taking my parents on holiday with me to the Mountain Cup, and woe betide them if they don't come and watch us compete, even if they don't watch much of the camp!

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Mrs Redboots
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I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

The article you posted is a wonderful summary and says what I wished I could say but couldn't put into words. Parents who are new to the sport should all get a copy. I'm going to see if I can find out who wrote it and get permission to copy it for our club. It says it all! Thanks!

Do you have any idea which club site you found the article on?

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Babyskater's Mom

Babyskates, I really don't know where I found that article but when my daughter started competitive skating and was Talent ID'ed at the age of 8, I could not get any guidance from my club or coach. I was told that I would find out things "on a need-to-know basis". I was not comfortable with that so I did a lot of research on my own. Anything I could find to help me I photocopied or downloaded. I was given some info. by a Coach Consultant hired by SkateCanada once, who came to our area and met with the parents of the skaters invited to a seminar. He may have given it to us. But I guess, if you wish to use it, you could list the Author as Unknown.

I certainly can appreciate your questions and concerns about the sport -there are so many unknowns, its so costly and time consuming - where exactly do parents fit in, other than the obvious support role? My advice - everything in moderation is good. Enjoy your skater as she reaches personal goals and any accolades she receives along the way are a bonus. Support her, really listen to her, but most of all let her know that without skating, she is still a beautiful person with so much to offer this world. Good luck!

Thanks to google.

Prince of Wales Skating Club

It's towards the bottom. This is a really nice club guidebook.

Arenagal, you're good! I'm not quite sure if I copied it from there but I thought it was from a Skate Canada site. The author states at the bottom of the document: -

""Skate Canada has published an excellent parent's guide to skating, designed mainly for the skater aiming for the competitive stream. Although a little dated, it is very useful, and was used as a source in preparing this document. "

Thanks for finding it. It has lots of good info.

I have seen entire families hanging out in the bleachers during baseball practices, softball practices and certainly soccer practices. The parents were having a good time, some more intense about their childs' future career than others, but all in all it seems that everyone felt comfortable and welcome. I cannot imagine why young skaters should be sheltered away from a parent or family member during lessons. I get impatient with this old idea that skating is some mysterious secret that cannot be understood by the masses. Parents should feel welcome at the rink and be polite to all involved but not be pushy or arraogant with anyone. A coach should provide productive lessons in a safe and pleasant environment. If the skater seeks a higher level of competitive atmosphere, with more highly trained skaters on the ice, I would still expect the parent to feel comfortable being an observor.

WeBeEducated, the good coaches will talk to parents frequently and teach them about skating. I think some lesser coaches fear that by informing their parents about skating, they will scare them away from skating or the parent will think they know enough to coach the skater.

As a parent the best thing to do is to be supportive and keep involved, but step back and realize when you're not the expert. Parents pay good money for skating lessons, if you can't trust your coach to teach properly during a lesson, you are undermining their job (consciously or not) and you need to get another coach.

My parents were the "pay and drop-off" type, but 1. I was 13 when I started skating and 2. I always told them to get lost when I was practicing. :-)

Jocelyn, a skating daughter and now adult skater

"So Mrs Brown, your daughter wants to learn how to skate ....

Well, in order to make any progress at all in athletic terms, she will need to get up at 4.30 am and come in three mornings a week before school; and you will have to get up at 4.30 am too, drive her here and sit around getting frostbite and b*tching with the other mums for an hour and a half. After a couple of years of this you will begin to suffer from "skater's mum's spreading bottom", but this will insulate you from the arctic climate.

To finance this you will need to find a minimum of 120 to 200 dollars a week for ice time, coaching fees and equipment. In no time at all, you will think nothing of driving several hundred miles to competitions and waiting around most of the day for your child to skate for a couple of minutes. Once your kid gets on the fast track, she will need to come in twice as much, ie. six days a week, and your expenses will double. You will end up planning family holidays round competitions and skating camps.

Eventually, in order for her to get enough ice time, there will be great pressure put on you to take her out of school; if you are not tough enough to resist this, she will end up on the shelf at 25 unable to get any sort of decent job outside skating. If she is a freeskater, there is a chance that by the age of 14 she will have fallen badly a number of times and given herself irreversable spinal damage. And if she overstrains her knees, she may well be having operations on her clapped-out knees before the age of 40.

There are no guarantees in skating and the goals get more and more difficult. People drop out of the sport along the way, because they just cannot achieve a particular skill at their level. And the pressures get harder and harder. Skating skills disappear quicker than morning dew, if they are not practised on a daily basis. You can spend years attaining a particular skill, only for it to disappear for ever if you don't practise it for a couple of months.

The iceskating world is very political and very insecure. I have known several people to move house long distances to be near to a particular rink, only for it to close down within a year or two later.

Because as a skating parent you are tempted to organise all her skating activities and decisions for her, she may end up unable to organise her own time and goals. Because skating takes up so much time, and unless you are tough enough to resist the pressures, she will become very one-sided, because there will be no time at all for other activities like music, other sports, etc: she may get to 20 and not know how to ride a bike, swim, read music, or plan an itinerary.

In short, skating can take over your life.

Er, Mrs Brown, where are you off to? You haven't changed your mind, have you ...."