Since we've had some heavy duty discussions on the forums lately, I thought I'd lighten things up here a bit and based on a thread I've been laughing over on FSUniverse, start a list of skating books that we would **NEVER* write.

My contribution: "The Insiders Guide to the Perfect Sitspin"

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Adult Nationals, 2009 "The Time of My Life"

"Mastering spins in 3 easy steps"

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"It’s never too late to skate at any age." - Alexei Mishin.

lol this is a fun thread, here's my books

How To End That Scratchy Toe Pick

Yes You Can! Floating Waltz Jumps to Triple Axels

"How to land a consistent loop jump?"

"How to pass Bronze Moves in 10 easy steps?" (Okay, I'm not that bad now! I might actually pass my Bronze moves test this year! WHAT A CONCEPT, huh?)

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Cheers,
jazzpants

11-04-2006: Shredded "Pre-Bronze FS for Life" Club Membership card!!!
Silver Moves is the next "Mission Impossible"
(Dare I try for Championship Adult Gold someday???)

Thank you for the support, you guys!!!

"How to look graceful on the ice"
"Bending your knees - The first rule of skating"
"Spinning for Dummies"

And for the book I am most likely to write: "How to drive your coach crazy in 3 simple steps."

Ha! Awesome idea. Here are mine:

Go Big or Go Home: Master Your Fear and Do the Big Jumps

You, Too, Can Do Lovely, Perfect Inside 3-Turns

And one that I could write:
How to Procrastinate Testing Pre-Bronze Till You're 80

Achieving Level 4 Spins --Creative Variations for the Bored Skater
(with demostrations by the author)

I have written a few things actually

"How to practice consistently"

"How to pick the music at the last second of competition"

"I hate axels"

"How to piss people off at skatingforums"

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Tim David's Website

Ha, ha! Great thread topic.
The book I'd never write would be "How to Love the Backspin"

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Ask me about becoming a bone marrow donor.
http://www.marrow.org
http://www.nmdp.org

for dancers

"European Waltz for Dummies"

"Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about the Tango...but were Afraid to Ask"

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American Waltz... Once, Twice, ???? ...

Q: How many coaches does it take to fix Jen's Dance Intro-3 Problems
A: 5 and counting...

"Disappear Purple: How to Completely Heal a Bruise Before the Next Training Session"

"If you arent flying, youre not trying: a beginners guide to spectacular falls"

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-Erinna-
aka cassarilda

My Progress Report!
"Did I mention there is only ONE rink in Melbourne?!"
"If you're not flying, you're obviously not trying!!!" - courtsey of the guy who helped me up off the ice after my last spectacular and sore fall

"Finding The Toe Picks On Forward Stroking"

"Unintended Air-Time"

"Moves In The Field For Kitchen Floor Skaters"

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Dianne
(A.O.S.S.? Got it BAD! )

Hmmm, well, jazzpants already took 2 of my ideas , let's see....


"How To Stay Off Your Toepicks In Back Crossovers"

"How To Not Flap Your Arms While Skating"

"How To Conquer Fear And Get Good Height On Your Jumps"

These are hilarious. My favorite so far is the unintentional air time. LOL.

Here are my picks:

"Lobotomies, the pros and cons for overthinkers"
"Splat-Land-Splat-Land: Consistency--Gaining and Remaining"
"Learning to make Splats part of choreography--Video Included"

And last but not least:

"Multiple uses for the Gluteus Maximus--It's not just for hot pants anymore"

have a great day everyone,
Careygram

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Careygram

January: Sure I'll compete, quick, send the application
April: I signed up to do WHAT??

Landing Your Axel Successfully
How to put the POWER in your Power Threes!
Every Little Move: A Complete Guide to Making Every Moment Count in your Free Skate

I was trying to think up something....then it hit me...my book would NEVER be...



"How To Figure Skate With Out Going Broke!"

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Why are you skating so slowly? Get out of my way!

If you skate faster, it makes everything look better!

In honor of this year and last year's placements - "Competing out of the Cellar - How to NOT come in last at major competitions"

In honor of my many it-has-a-mind-of-its-own styles - "Hair 'Dos' - no-fail hairstyles for skating competitions"

My least consistent jump - "Lutz-a Love"

"You Might Remember This -- Skating to Skating's Most Popular Music" - since I try to find odd selections to skate to.

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Champagne in 2005, 2008, 2009 - who's next out of the pre-bronze club...?

Wang chung!

"Easy Doubles for the Adult Skater"

because of my difficulty with these:

Backward 3-Turns: The Easy Bend and Glide

lol.

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~Dreams Can Come True~

Aw come on, some doubles are easy. . . How about a double espresso!

Based on more than two decades in the sport, I will never write:

"Lightning Learning: How to Learn to Skate in 30 Days or Less"

or

"Instant Axels"

AHHH!!! That's one double I can MOST definitely do!!! (I'm a coffee hound...)

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Cheers,
jazzpants

11-04-2006: Shredded "Pre-Bronze FS for Life" Club Membership card!!!
Silver Moves is the next "Mission Impossible"
(Dare I try for Championship Adult Gold someday???)

Thank you for the support, you guys!!!

Yep, I am an expert at those! In fact, I could use one now...

Now, now!!! You'll be out of the cellar by next year if all comes to plan... cuz I will be taking over the cellar next year!!! (My jumps sucks!!!)

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Cheers,
jazzpants

11-04-2006: Shredded "Pre-Bronze FS for Life" Club Membership card!!!
Silver Moves is the next "Mission Impossible"
(Dare I try for Championship Adult Gold someday???)

Thank you for the support, you guys!!!

Ok, for the three competitions when I had to skate "against the book" because I was the only entrant in my class:

"Competition Psychology: Psyching Out Your Competitors" by Ivana Skatalot

Hopefully, I will NOT be the only one skating no-test at this year's Halloween Classic......hello? anyone??? is anyone out there????

Oh, well.

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Skate@Delaware
Ah, show skating!!! I do it for the glitter!