Skating Books We Would Never Write

[Terri C]

Since we've had some heavy duty discussions on the forums lately, I thought I'd lighten things up here a bit and based on a thread I've been laughing over on FSUniverse, start a list of skating books that we would **NEVER* write.

My contribution: "The Insiders Guide to the Perfect Sitspin"

[icenut84]

"Mastering spins in 3 easy steps" :giveup:

[froggy]

lol this is a fun thread, here's my books

How To End That Scratchy Toe Pick

Yes You Can! Floating Waltz Jumps to Triple Axels

[jazzpants]

"How to land a consistent loop jump?" :frus:

"How to pass Bronze Moves in 10 easy steps?" :twisted: (Okay, I'm not that bad now! I might actually pass my Bronze moves test this year! (http://www.skatingforums.com/showthread.php?t=20531) WHAT A CONCEPT, huh?) :twisted:

[Scarlett]

"How to look graceful on the ice"
"Bending your knees - The first rule of skating"
"Spinning for Dummies"

And for the book I am most likely to write: "How to drive your coach crazy in 3 simple steps."

[nerd_on_ice]

Ha! Awesome idea. Here are mine:

Go Big or Go Home: Master Your Fear and Do the Big Jumps

You, Too, Can Do Lovely, Perfect Inside 3-Turns

And one that I could write:
How to Procrastinate Testing Pre-Bronze Till You're 80

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[doubletoe]

Achieving Level 4 Spins --Creative Variations for the Bored Skater
(with demostrations by the author)

[TimDavidSkate]

I have written a few things actually 8-)

"How to practice consistently"

"How to pick the music at the last second of competition"

"I hate axels"

"How to piss people off at skatingforums" :halo:

[mikawendy]

Ha, ha! Great thread topic.
The book I'd never write would be "How to Love the Backspin" :lol: :lol:

[jenlyon60]

for dancers

"European Waltz for Dummies"

"Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about the Tango...but were Afraid to Ask"

[cassarilda]

"Disappear Purple: How to Completely Heal a Bruise Before the Next Training Session"

"If you arent flying, youre not trying: a beginners guide to spectacular falls"

:roll: :lol:

[Rusty Blades]

"Finding The Toe Picks On Forward Stroking"

"Unintended Air-Time"

"Moves In The Field For Kitchen Floor Skaters"

[Debbie S]

Hmmm, well, jazzpants already took 2 of my ideas ;), let's see....


"How To Stay Off Your Toepicks In Back Crossovers"

"How To Not Flap Your Arms While Skating"

"How To Conquer Fear And Get Good Height On Your Jumps"

[Careygram]

:D These are hilarious. My favorite so far is the unintentional air time. LOL.

Here are my picks:

"Lobotomies, the pros and cons for overthinkers"
"Splat-Land-Splat-Land: Consistency--Gaining and Remaining"
"Learning to make Splats part of choreography--Video Included"

And last but not least:

"Multiple uses for the Gluteus Maximus--It's not just for hot pants anymore"

have a great day everyone,
Careygram

[Hannahclear]

:lol:

Landing Your Axel Successfully
How to put the POWER in your Power Threes!
Every Little Move: A Complete Guide to Making Every Moment Count in your Free Skate

[MusicSkateFan]

I was trying to think up something....then it hit me...my book would NEVER be...



"How To Figure Skate With Out Going Broke!"


:giveup:
:roll:
:frus:
:lol:
:cry:
8-)

[Mel On Ice]

In honor of this year and last year's placements - "Competing out of the Cellar - How to NOT come in last at major competitions"

In honor of my many it-has-a-mind-of-its-own styles - "Hair 'Dos' - no-fail hairstyles for skating competitions"

My least consistent jump - "Lutz-a Love"

"You Might Remember This -- Skating to Skating's Most Popular Music" - since I try to find odd selections to skate to.

[PattyP]

"Easy Doubles for the Adult Skater" :lol: :lol:

[figure_skater]

because of my difficulty with these:

Backward 3-Turns: The Easy Bend and Glide

lol. :lol:

[doubletoe]

"Easy Doubles for the Adult Skater" :lol: :lol:

Aw come on, some doubles are easy. . . How about a double espresso! :D

[blue111moon]

Based on more than two decades in the sport, I will never write:

"Lightning Learning: How to Learn to Skate in 30 Days or Less"

or

"Instant Axels"

[jazzpants]

Aw come on, some doubles are easy. . . How about a double espresso! :DAHHH!!! That's one double I can MOST definitely do!!! :twisted: (I'm a coffee hound...)

[PattyP]

Aw come on, some doubles are easy. . . How about a double espresso! :D

Yep, I am an expert at those! In fact, I could use one now...

[jazzpants]

In honor of this year and last year's placements - "Competing out of the Cellar - How to NOT come in last at major competitions"Now, now!!! You'll be out of the cellar by next year if all comes to plan... cuz I will be taking over the cellar next year!!! :twisted: :P :lol: :roll: (My jumps sucks!!!) :frus:

[Skate@Delaware]

Ok, for the three competitions when I had to skate "against the book" because I was the only entrant in my class:

"Competition Psychology: Psyching Out Your Competitors" by Ivana Skatalot

Hopefully, I will NOT be the only one skating no-test at this year's Halloween Classic......hello? anyone??? is anyone out there????

Oh, well.

[badaxel]

"Be Friends with your Axel"
"Advantages to Having a Giant Rear End"
"Throw Away that Heating Pad: Painless Skating Practices":lol:

[icedancer2]

"Skating After Fifty: Maturity Makes It So Much Easier!!!"

:frus:

[sunshinepointe]

Lol, some of these are great.

Mine:


Sunshinepointes Guide to Consistent Practice :roll:
How to Make Your Boots Last More than Six Months :frus:
The Definitive Guide To the Camel Spin: Volume 1, Getting the Chest Down
The Definitive Guide To the Camel Spin: Volume 2, KEEPING the Chest Down
Building On Ice Relationships - How Not to Sass Your Coach

and my all time favorite

The Power of Positive Thinking

[montanarose]

"Only God Can Make A Three" (with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)

Ellen, who is starting to BELIEVE that only God can make a three . . . at least a really good one :giveup:

[Paulie86]

because of my difficulty with these:

Backward 3-Turns: The Easy Bend and Glide

lol. :lol:


Hehe, I'd need that one!!!! Send me a copy when it's released! LOL

Ok, here's mine

The easy guide to tell when you need to sharpen your blades

[doubletoe]

Oh yeah, I forgot to list the second book I'll never write:

Layback Spins are for Everyone
- Beyond the myth of the "stiff back"

Ha! Don't I wish. . .

[garyc254]

"The Art of Remembering to Remove Blade Guards"

`

[TimDavidSkate]

"The Art of Remembering to Remove Blade Guards"

`


good one :lol:, thankfully I have only done that at least 3 times.... I once rushed to the ice glided a few times, and for a split second thought i didnt have my blades sharpened, then I looked down and fell :halo:

[Summerkid710]

Novice Moves for Skaters Over 30

[phoenix]

Building On Ice Relationships - How Not to Sass Your Coach



:lol: :lol:

How about:

The Cooperative Student: Making Your Coach Look Forward to Your Lessons

Judges are Your Friends: Banish the Nerves and Skate With Confidence

Easy Brackets For Everyone

[quarkiki2]

Quarkiki: The True Story of a Reformed Chicken-Weenie

'nuf said...

[Vicki]

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Backspins But Were Afraid to Ask

Yes, You Too Can Hit A Backspin Position In Your Jumps (It Might Even Make Jumps Less Cheated)

Overcome Your Fear of Laybacks

Axel: The Final Frontier

[coskater64]

Hmmmm lets see:

1. A traveller's guide: the front scratch spin
2. Ode to the outside edge: the story of a lutz
3. Walley: who is he? and where did he come from?
4. Do camels really fly? by Dr. Seuss
5. Tales of a free leg: the saga

That works....:halo:

[beachbabe]

An idiots guide to picking the right boots

Get a double loop and keep it: an easy 10 day course

footwork for dummies: never trip again

breaking in skates- no pain, no gain

dressing for sucess in theree easy steps

build your own ice rink- save a 30min trip every time

[Mrs Redboots]

The art of turning at speed

Crossing your feet on the ice: an expert's guide

Fooling your coach or how to look as though you're skating better than your partner even when you aren't.

(which latter is a book that Husband could write, alas!)

[phoenix]

If You Think it's Good Enough, It Is! A Skater's Guide to Convincing Your Coach To Let You Test :frus:

[Careygram]

I think you should get a package deal on:

"Unintended Air Time" and
"The art of remembering to remove your skate guards"

These are so funny
:lol:

[Ice T]

"So Your Technique Sucks....Now What?"

"Get Your Butt ON the Ice: A Guide to a Lower Sit Spin"

"Positive Thinking: How to Come in Last at Every Competition and Still Feel Good About Your Skating"

"The Power of Focus: How to Train Around Your Former Coaches Everyday and Still Maintain Your Sanity"

If you enjoyed these titles, you may also enjoy titles from our Crazy Coaches series, such as:

"Crazy Coaches and the Students Who Love Them"
"Crazy Coaches: A Guide to Understanding Them"
"Crazy Coaches: How to Just Plain Avoid Them"
"Crazy Coaches: A Skater's Recovery Guide"

[Terri C]

If You Think it's Good Enough, It Is! A Skater's Guide to Convincing Your Coach To Let You Test :frus:

Followed by:
If You Think It's Good Enough, It Is! A Skater's Guide to Convincing The Judges To Pass You!

[jazzpants]

"How To Figure Skate With Out Going Broke!"I got two words for that MSF: "Sugar Mama!!!" (Or "Sugar Daddy" depend on your preference...hey! This is a figure skating community 'ya know...) ;)

[Raye]

"The Golden Goose-Egg on the Back of My Head" grrrrrrr. evil mohawk, bad, bad evil mohawk.....

[flo]

How to pass a pairs test with unheard music and unknown choreography.

I took my bronze and silver tests in the same day. For reasons known only to USFSA logic, or lack there of, I had to use a different and longer cut of music for the second test. So my coach talked me through it on the ice while testing. Tests passed.

Don't try this at home.

[doubletoe]

Followed by:
If You Think It's Good Enough, It Is! A Skater's Guide to Convincing The Judges To Pass You!

I love it! Perhaps you can add a special section,
"Helping judges interpret test requirements"

[Terri C]

I love it! Perhaps you can add a special section,
"Helping judges interpret test requirements"

With the unpleaseant experiences I had trying to pass the Pre Bronze free in '97-'98, you ain't kidding!

[Terri C]

I love it! Perhaps you can add a special section,
"Helping judges interpret test requirements"

With the unpleaseant experiences I had trying to pass the Pre Bronze free in '97-'98, you ain't kidding!
On retry #2 on the Pre Bronze freestyle test (it took me 3 tries to pass!) the judge *insisted* that I needed a whole revolution jump to pass in addition to the half -rev jump (test requirements state that whether the jumps are half or whole revolution, it's the skater's choice). When she failed me and my coach went to the judge and test chair, USFSA Rulebook in hand to show the judge to get a possible re-skate for me, he was told "Oh well, judges make mistakes." :roll: :x

[NCSkater02]

"The Over-40 Skater's Guide To Fitting In" or "How Not To Always Be The Oldest On The Ice" As I usually am. I think two of the coaches are older than me--mine is 18 years younger.

"Skating Reality--Finance, Work, And Family--It Can All Fit In" Really.

"Adult Skating Fashon--Disguising Figure Flaws Without Unintentional Exposure" How to cover and NOT emphasize hips, bellies, and boobs in spandex.

[skateflo]

"How to build and maintain your own rink and hire the perfect coach without having to work a real job."

[sunshinepointe]

Thought of more, couldn't help myself

"Getting the split in the split jump"
"Yes, you too can have quiet edges and stroking"

[Rusty Blades]

"How to build and maintain your own rink and hire the perfect coach without having to work a real job."

Have you been spying on me??? 8O :mrgreen:

[TreSk8sAZ]

"Rink Politics: How to make rival judges like you"

"Competitions, clean programs, and you!"

"You, too, can do the Foxtrot mohawk!"

"Artistic Expression for Dummies"

:frus: Can anyone tell I had a *fun* competition this weekend?

[fmh]

haa i don't have any books to add, but a sports illustrated book on figure skating explains the double axel like: "Simply add on an extra revolution to the single axel" It's not that simple!:frus: