Please parents, relax!

[sk8tmum]

I spent the weekend at a competition. From what I saw, a few requests to all parents and other adults:
a) Relax. It's supposed to be fun. Please don't place the burden of your expectations, financial choices, and needs for glory on your child's shoulders.
b) Celebrate all of the successes, however small.
c) Be positive. It may not have been the best competition, but, it's just a competition - it's not a world-shattering event. There is always something to be happy about!
d) Be realistic. Your child may be improving faster, slower, or just the same as the other skaters. This will change by the next day, competition, or practice session!
e) Please don't embarrass your kid. Sobbing, crying, wailing over placements - just don't.
f) Please don't make other parents feel badly about their kids. Sure, your skater may have gotten his/her axel, 2S, spiral, whatever in a short period of time. Remember that all skaters progress at different rates - and your child may also hit a road block.
g) Don't criticize the judging or discuss conspiracy theories loudly. Judges and officials are volunteers. They like kids. They are not out to "get" your skater or any other skater. They had a reason for the placement that they gave your skater or another skater.
h) Please acknowledge the volunteers. They work hard for no pay and often little thanks. Model good manners for your kids.
i) Remember it's all about the kids, not about you. You're not there as the star of the show.
j) Don't run around loudly discussing how brilliantly your skater did. Other skaters may not have had their best competition, and you may be hurting feelings. Be quiet and discreet - celebrate in private.
k) Recognize other's financial circumstances may be different from yours. Please don't discuss loudly in front of others the expensive training, dresses, skates, whatever your skater has - others may not be equally available to afford it and it can be uncomfortable.

There are a list of other things that come to mind, but, I think this is long enough for me.

[cazzie]

Brilliant one!
Actually one of the saddest things I saw at recent competition was a kid who didn't have her best skate - left the ice absolutely distraught - only to be blanked by her father!

For skating!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tennisany1]

Thank you - wonderful advice.

[Skate@Delaware]

This is an excellent list and it should be handed out to every parent/grandparent of every competitive kid! I was at a comp and saw a child upset over her placement...the mom asked her, "well, did you skate your best?" the girl nodded that she had. The mom said to her, "then that's all that matters" and she hugged her. It was very sweet and the mom was so great to do that.

[twokidsskatemom]

Please stop thinking your child is the best,super talented, or going to the olys.Everyone has good things about their skating and things to work on.YOur child isnt super talented because at age.... they have ......
Great list!

[momof3chicks]

E??? You have seen someone wailing over their KIDS placement?? Are you kidding?

[sk8tmum]

E??? You have seen someone wailing over their KIDS placement?? Are you kidding?

Sure. And crying and wailing loudly in the stands over their kids inability to land a jump.

Or sobbing in the lobby or in the car on the way home after a parent has made a point of coming up and done the "but, my kid could land that jump at age [whatever] - she's such a natural jumper - I wonder why YOUR kid can't land it".

or, even worse, when their kid has also been subjected to said parent or said parent's kid, and has been devastated by the implications/criticism. Those last tears ... they're different ... they're because the kid has been hurt ...

My one kid is now the one "on the way up" and the one "whipping through the tests" - but, you'd never know it from us [I hope], we keep our mouths shut and say nuthin' to nobody, because we remember when we took the brunt of the "but my kid is landing/passing/doing" - and held our heads high knowing our kid was working their best, achieving what they could at that stage, and that we were proud of everything accomplished.

Don't get me wrong. There are great parents out there - but, there are also a lot of insensitive ones. Sometimes some of the comments are accidentally hurtful, and it's hard not to be pleased for your kid. But, we've always made a point (and our coach too) - of making sure that the kid steps back and is humble and low-key over achievements.

[Isk8NYC]

I have to brag in this thread: I have several private students with parents who are absolutely WONDERFUL. We have a nice little synchro team with parents that like each other as well as the kids. There's no jealousy or resentment, just kindness and courtesy, even at competitions. I love it here, lol.

Big change from what I witnessed in NYC - one particularly bad loser's family were banned from the rink for poor behavior and threats after a little in-house competition.

As a coach, I have to dial back my critiques of DDs' skating because they take what I think are suggestions as criticisms.
Sometimes it's best to just emphasize the positive. One DD skated too fast and finished early, so she threw in a spreadeagle trick (inside to outside) to use up the music. I just burst out laughing and loved the fact that she could think on her skates! I had to carefully word it so that she didn't think I was criticizing her skating too fast.

My oldest daughter felt that I was a "traitor" for recognizing others' achievements. I disagree entirely - I think you have to learn how to compliment someone even if you are a little jealous. It just stops the jealousy from eating away at everyone and causing resentment. It's good sportsmanship to not begrudge others' achievements.

Just think about what went RIGHT and swallow what went WRONG for another time.
Cheer every skate your children do - it takes guts to stand out there by yourself. That's an achievement in itself.

Thanks for some great food for thought sk8tmum!

[momof3chicks]

ICheer every skate your children do - it takes guts to stand out there by yourself. That's an achievement in itself.

Thanks for some great food for thought sk8tmum!

THAT is the truth. I am always so proud of my dd for that, I'd have never had that kind of nerve at 8 and 9 years old no less.

[isakswings]

Cheer every skate your children do - it takes guts to stand out there by yourself. That's an achievement in itself.

Thanks for some great food for thought sk8tmum!

THAT is the truth. I am always so proud of my dd for that, I'd have never had that kind of nerve at 8 and 9 years old no less.

I can't agree more!! My daughter has a competition next week. It's Winter Games so the groups are pretty big(for our area). There are 2 groups of her level and there are a total of 14 kids, so 7 in each group. Anyway, her eyes got really big when she heard the size of her group. Then she said, "Well, I just need to remember to congratulate everyone and tell them what a good job they did, even if they place higher then me!" I was pretty proud of her for saying that. Sure, it is great when our kids do well...but it sure does a mom's heart a lot of good to see the lessons my child is learning when she doesn't place or doesn't do as well as she hoped she would.

We've always told dd her placement doesn't matter to us, all that matters is how well she skates. If she skates her best, that is all we care about. We are also one of those families who can't afford the "best" of everything. Dd skates 2 private 30 minute lessons a wk as well as one group lesson(power skating/moves for 30 min) and one off ice class a wk. Sometimes we throw in an extra 15 min with her coach to work on jumps, spins or programs. Her coach is great and has helped my daughter grow tremendously. We don't have the fanciest dresses and I can't afford to take her to many out of state comps(if any...still trying to figure out Phoenix!). We feel blessed to give dd what we do. I'd love to give her more, but it just isn't possible. I don't know what we will do if her training needs to be "stepped up" because I don't think we can afford more! We'll cross that bridge should we come to it. :)

Anyway... great post. Thanks for the excellent reminder!

[twokidsskatemom]

Sure. And crying and wailing loudly in the stands over their kids inability to land a jump.

Or sobbing in the lobby or in the car on the way home after a parent has made a point of coming up and done the "but, my kid could land that jump at age [whatever] - she's such a natural jumper - I wonder why YOUR kid can't land it".

or, even worse, when their kid has also been subjected to said parent or said parent's kid, and has been devastated by the implications/criticism. Those last tears ... they're different ... they're because the kid has been hurt ...

My one kid is now the one "on the way up" and the one "whipping through the tests" - but, you'd never know it from us [I hope], we keep our mouths shut and say nuthin' to nobody, because we remember when we took the brunt of the "but my kid is landing/passing/doing" - and held our heads high knowing our kid was working their best, achieving what they could at that stage, and that we were proud of everything accomplished.

Don't get me wrong. There are great parents out there - but, there are also a lot of insensitive ones. Sometimes some of the comments are accidentally hurtful, and it's hard not to be pleased for your kid. But, we've always made a point (and our coach too) - of making sure that the kid steps back and is humble and low-key over achievements.

I agree. Its the ones that say.. my child is talented because......
Unless your child has been told by a coach that has nothing to do with them, or wins at every comp ever, your child is not better than another.Everyone has something good about their skating, and its good to find something nice about everyone.If you child is super talented they will speak for themselves in their skating WITHOUT mom saying so.

[isakswings]

I agree. Its the ones that say.. my child is talented because......
Unless your child has been told by a coach that has nothing to do with them, or wins at every comp ever, your child is not better than another.Everyone has something good about their skating, and its good to find something nice about everyone.If you child is super talented they will speak for themselves in their skating WITHOUT mom saying so.

I agree! Plus, what do we teach our children when we behave like that?? I love watching the kids in dd's club progress! It's fun! I can't say I don't have my moments, but I am SOOO careful about how I express those "moments". :) It's so important to look at the GOOD in skating. You are right, there are things all the kids are good at. Skating is such a hard sport and I am forever amazed by the talent of all the kids!

[Tennisany1]

I agree. Its the ones that say.. my child is talented because......
Unless your child has been told by a coach that has nothing to do with them, or wins at every comp ever, your child is not better than another.Everyone has something good about their skating, and its good to find something nice about everyone.If you child is super talented they will speak for themselves in their skating WITHOUT mom saying so.

I'll second this and add that at the early stages it is very hard to determine who has talent and who doesn't. Lots of kids fly through and win everything up to and including Preliminary only to find themselves stalled in Pre-Juv. Other kids start to shine in Pre Juv and Juv. Still others hang out in the background and don't find their own until Pre Novice or Novice. Unfortunately what I think happens is that kids that aren't stars by Prelim often get discouraged and given the cost of the sport, often parents start to steer them in other directions. It is such a shame because for many kids the real progress is made between 10 and 13yrs. I guess my point is that it really doesn't matter who wins the pre pre competition and it really doesn't matter if your kids has an axel by 7 or 10. What matters is if they learn to work both hard and smart, if they love what they are doing, and if they learn the basics really well. Hard working talented kids will shine without their parents telling everyone. Under promise, over deliver ... something to remember in skating.

[momof3chicks]

. Under promise, over deliver ... something to remember in skating.

LOL, this must be my dd's motto. She always claims she cannot do something before she does it. Drives her coaches mad!

[sk8ryellow]

g) Don't criticize the judging or discuss conspiracy theories loudly. Judges and officials are volunteers. They like kids. They are not out to "get" your skater or any other skater. They had a reason for the placement that they gave your skater or another skater.


Thanks for saying this!!!!! My mom could sure follow this advice! I took my Junior moves a couple months ago and one judge passed me and the other two failed me and my coach and I couldnt understand why and the judges are walking to the rink office and my mom is standing there talking and she comes to me and says really loud "Its okay the judges are stupid" not only did my coach get extremley pissed at her but the judges heard!!! I was so embarassed because the judges are actually really nice and I talk to them outside of testing also!

[wasamb]

I loved the message, sk8mum.

Sk8ryellow, I'm sorry that happened to you. It is great that you have the maturity to know how to behave. As a mom, I'm far from perfect and learn from my kids too, so maybe this is just one of those times for your mom. I hope things are better next time.

[Skate@Delaware]

It is a shame there are some parents that "act up" (just like in hockey, foot ball etc-we are not alone in our sport). I recall when my daughter entered her one and only ISI competition...she though (erroneously) because she was a very good skater at our home rink that she had her competition in the bag. When she got there and skated she was 1,000% confident she would win. She landed all her jumps and did fair on her footwork. The other girls, however, did far better on the required elements and the overall QUALITY of their skating far exceeded hers. She was upset and spent a lot of time rolling her eyes and nay-saying the other skaters. Lucky for me her coach put a sock in her mouth and made her congratulate the other skaters for a "good competition" and they were pleased with such a "good sport"....she didn't place at all.

I was very upset when her coach told me what had transpired (I was prepping for my own competition and had my own coach). but teens are teens and sometimes saying less is best but I did tell her: what did she expect, as she hardly practiced. Here it is years later and she now knows the value of hard work and having to work for something you want. All she remembers about that competition is the fun she had (because no one screamed at her).

[Mrs Redboots]

What I try and remember, when I compete, and what I try to pass on to the younger kids at the rink, is that you can't control how anybody else skates and you can't control how the judges are going to react. All you can do is go out there and enjoy having the rink to yourself for a few minutes, skate as well as you possibly can and, above all, have fun. Anything else is just gravy.

(My beloved husband always pretends he doesn't care where we place as long as we know we've skated well; on the other hand, on those rare occasions we do place well, he's over the moon, no matter how hard he pretends he isn't!).

[sk8ergalgal]

Wow. These words of wisdom sure come at a good time... I am trying to gear myself up for a weekend at a competition this weekend... Its my first one that I will be competing and acting as a coach at. I am dealing with the children who are worried and don't want to be last.. What do you say to them.. I tried to reinforce their thinking by saying you will be fine you have some very good elements etc.. I don't want to feel as a coach that I have failed them either.. I am nervous myself enough as it is.. :giveup:

[jp1andOnly]

in nd out of skating my dad used to say "dont worry about anyone else, just worry about yourself". This was brilliant when I came home with a test that maybe everyone struggled on and I told him how the class did and he would tell me he didnt care about everyone else but how I did. I remember that even now as an adult skater.

[doubletoe]

Sk8mum, I wish we could post these as rules at our competitions! Bravo!:bow: