My daughters negative thoughts are her own worse enemy m

[momof3chicks]

how do I help her to stop this? It is a personality thing to a degree as she is like this with school work as well. She is a very talented hard working girl and yet, she lets negativity impede her.

Sometimes, her coaches have to go 'back' and fix, or have her make more precise something she knows- like today, it was the 3 turn entrance to her double sal- she is missing it BECAUSE of that, not because of her jumping, and so they are trying to help her. But she hears "you are bad at this, you are not a good skater" and it is not true and they tell her so, but yet, she persists in this thinking and that THINKING actually impedes her learning- KWIM?

She just turned 9 - what could we or the coaches do to help her not feel that way?

[sk8tmum]

She's young, but, a sports psychologist is always a good option, if there is one that works with young ones in your area?

My kid had the same problem, it came when jumps went away after they were achieved (growth spurts) and a few bad competitions and test days. It took a couple of years to get the confidence back; we wished we had intervened earlier, as it was a miserable process for everyone.

[fsk8r]

I'm a great person at having negative thoughts, but I've found that getting praise from unexpected sources helps build my confidence (and banish the negative thoughts). This works such that I won't believe any praise from my coach, but if a random coach compliments something I believe the praise that my coach had already been telling me.
And negative thoughts aren't necessarily bad, it's what you do with them and whether you use them to get the motivation and determination to improve. You can't be positive about everything all the time otherwise life would be boring and there's a reason why these negativity traits in people didn't die out with the dinosaurs, they're actually good things to have.

[momof3chicks]

I'm a great person at having negative thoughts, but I've found that getting praise from unexpected sources helps build my confidence (and banish the negative thoughts). This works such that I won't believe any praise from my coach, but if a random coach compliments something I believe the praise that my coach had already been telling me.
And negative thoughts aren't necessarily bad, it's what you do with them and whether you use them to get the motivation and determination to improve. You can't be positive about everything all the time otherwise life would be boring and there's a reason why these negativity traits in people didn't die out with the dinosaurs, they're actually good things to have.

It is what she does with them that is the problem, her body language and all tells it! She impedes her ability to learn by getting too caught up and emotional in the negativity.

[fsk8r]

It is what she does with them that is the problem, her body language and all tells it! She impedes her ability to learn by getting too caught up and emotional in the negativity.

I have a little friend at the rink (she's 8 now) who when she gets frustrated bursts into tears. When I first met her, I'd have been inclined to say she had a cruel mother for making her do something that made her like this (I knew the coach well and couldn't fault him). Having got to know her better I understand that this is her way of dealing with frustration. When she's calm you can hold a rational conversation with her about the crying and she'll explain it's frustration and she and her mother (who is a darling) will try and devise coping strategies for her. They're working to some extent because there's a lot less tears on the ice, but when she's done one too many splats trying to relearn her axel from a growth spurt or doing something else that's new, they'll be back again.
Perhaps you need to talk to her when she's in a good mood and see if she understands what's going on with emotions. If she can recognise the problem in herself, she's better able to help herself deal with it.

[momof3chicks]

I have a little friend at the rink (she's 8 now) who when she gets frustrated bursts into tears. When I first met her, I'd have been inclined to say she had a cruel mother for making her do something that made her like this (I knew the coach well and couldn't fault him). Having got to know her better I understand that this is her way of dealing with frustration. When she's calm you can hold a rational conversation with her about the crying and she'll explain it's frustration and she and her mother (who is a darling) will try and devise coping strategies for her. They're working to some extent because there's a lot less tears on the ice, but when she's done one too many splats trying to relearn her axel from a growth spurt or doing something else that's new, they'll be back again.
Perhaps you need to talk to her when she's in a good mood and see if she understands what's going on with emotions. If she can recognise the problem in herself, she's better able to help herself deal with it.

I know that is what is going on with her as well. On the one hand, it is a good thing that she cares, but on the other she cares so much, it is impeding her progress. I did discuss with her today and she isn't always like that, but she has periods of that. She was falling after landing her double sal and it happened many times and yes I am sure she was frustrated. I am also hoping that maturity will help some. She is pretty young- she turned nine this month.

[sk8tmum]

You need to sort this type of negativity out early. As she grows and matures, she will regularly gain and lose jumps, spins, spirals and skating skills. It's a reality of the sport. Her coach will also "take away" jumps, by making her go back and relearn them to improve technique or refine points that are not as well done as possible.

I see way too many kids beating them up on the ice, and often eventually quitting, because they hit "the wall' when things get hard, or when gains made are lost. Figure skating is a long-term sport,and focussing on short-term gains will drive a skater crazy.

Sometimes, fortunately not from the sounds of it you, it's the parents who feed it. They get frustrated with a lack of progress, or negative progress, and they push the kid, or show that they are disappointed in the kid - who then has to carry the burden of their own and their parent's expectations.

A thought: have her watch a video from six months or a year ago. Focus on the gains made to date; discuss how proud you are of what she has done; brainstorm with her (and her coach of course) what might be causing the new challenges. With her coach's support, perhaps put the 2S to bed for a bit and work on something else - coming back to the 2S with a new perspective - ? We've used these strategies quite effectively with our other (perfectionist) kid.

[momof3chicks]

You need to sort this type of negativity out early. As she grows and matures, she will regularly gain and lose jumps, spins, spirals and skating skills. It's a reality of the sport. Her coach will also "take away" jumps, by making her go back and relearn them to improve technique or refine points that are not as well done as possible.


A thought: have her watch a video from six months or a year ago. Focus on the gains made to date; discuss how proud you are of what she has done; brainstorm with her (and her coach of course) what might be causing the new challenges. We've used these strategies quite effectively with our other (perfectionist) kid.

Very good ideas! She has certainly worked through the gain and loss of many things, jumps included, and I did try to remind her of that today. Another thing is too many coaches. Her main coach is her synchro coach and I really think that it needs to be changed. There isn't enough consistency in approach and I think drawing a line between synchro and freestyle would be advantageous for her.

[techskater]

Dave, I think this is a parent who notices a pattern of negativity with their child BEYOND just skating who would like to help their child become more confident and positive about herself before she becomes a tween and teen and has to cope with THOSE dramas. She notices a sting of negativity when things are not going perfectly.

Mom, I suggest you sit down with the coach. One of the best things that happened to me is that when I started working with my secondary coach (and pretty much every lesson with him), he told me flat out - it's OK to not be perfect here in lessons or practice. This is your time to fall and figure it all out. He reminded me that the reason I GET lessons in the first place is to learn things and when you are learning things, they won't always be perfect or even RIGHT on the first try and THAT'S OK. It's helped my outlook on the ice AND I am more positive about new things that aren't perfect immediately.

[cazzie]

Dave - I do think this is a mother who wants her child to feel good about herself more so than worrying about progress.

I have a child who lives to skate, is a perfectionist to extremes (only with skating though - not school work). If I let her do as much as she wanted on the ice she would hurt herself - and she too gets very, very negative about herself when losing jumps. (Presently in new skates and they're not going so well.....) Yes I want her to live her life and yes - at times I make her go to friend's birthday parties and miss her skating and yes - if school work isn't done she has to miss skating.... but - at times we have the same reaction.

I don't know about momof3chicks but the biggest thing I want for my daughter is confidence and feeling good about herself! No point in skating otherwise.

To momof3chicks - I would think that video progress may be a good way to go. We constantly question my daughter's goals and try to put it into perspective... (and point out that there is way more to her life than skating)but - I'm not sure that there is a great deal one can do about it. Have spoken to coach who uses (as much as possible) a praise based approach.

Good luck.

[isakswings]

To momof3chicks - I would think that video progress may be a good way to go. We constantly question my daughter's goals and try to put it into perspective... (and point out that there is way more to her life than skating)but - I'm not sure that there is a great deal one can do about it. Have spoken to coach who uses (as much as possible) a praise based approach.

Good luck.

I agree about the video progress. I post many of dd's videos up on you tube and it is more for us to look back and see the progress she has made then it is to see what others think of her skating. I have her videos set for pre-approval of comments for this reason as well. I do not want her to look at a past video and see negative comments about her skating. It serves no purpose for her at this point, esp when so many people who comment, likely know nothing about skating or the work it takes to gain these skills.

Anyway, good luck! This is such a hard, hard thing to deal with. My daughter's friend(10) deals with perfectionism and it is so very hard for her. Her parents and coach have been working with her because it affects so many areas of her skating when she is too hard on herself. She's getting better and landed some doubles yesterday! HUGS to you and your daughter!

[isakswings]

Dave, I think this is a parent who notices a pattern of negativity with their child BEYOND just skating who would like to help their child become more confident and positive about herself before she becomes a tween and teen and has to cope with THOSE dramas. She notices a sting of negativity when things are not going perfectly.

Mom, I suggest you sit down with the coach. One of the best things that happened to me is that when I started working with my secondary coach (and pretty much every lesson with him), he told me flat out - it's OK to not be perfect here in lessons or practice. This is your time to fall and figure it all out. He reminded me that the reason I GET lessons in the first place is to learn things and when you are learning things, they won't always be perfect or even RIGHT on the first try and THAT'S OK. It's helped my outlook on the ice AND I am more positive about new things that aren't perfect immediately.

I agree with the other reponses to this post. This is a mom who wants to help her daughter over-come this hurdle. She is concerned about the damage her daughter will do to her own self confidence by being concerned about being perfect. Like someone else brought up, this child is like this in school too. It is true that in this sport, some parents are very hard on their children, but this mom is not one of those parents. If you go back and read previous postings, you will see she is not like that. She is merely concerned about her daughter and wants ideas of how she can help her overcome this.

My daughter's friend struggles with perfectionism too. She is very hard on herself and gets frustrated when she isn't perfect. It's been a challenge for both her parents and her coach to teach her that it is OK to not be perfect. In my opinion, I think that is what the OP was looking for adivce on... :)

[Schmeck]

I agree about the video progress. I post many of dd's videos up on you tube and it is more for us to look back and see the progress she has made then it is to see what others think of her skating. I have her videos set for pre-approval of comments for this reason as well. I do not want her to look at a past video and see negative comments about her skating. It serves no purpose for her at this point, esp when so many people who comment, likely know nothing about skating or the work it takes to gain these skills.


Can't you jsut watch them on your computer or tv without making them public? What's the point of putting them up on youtube, where her peers at school can see them and possibly give her a hard time about them?

[twokidsskatemom]

Can't you jsut watch them on your computer or tv without making them public? What's the point of putting them up on youtube, where her peers at school can see them and possibly give her a hard time about them?

Why would that be an issue?My kids are both on youtube so others can watch them and none of their friends would give them a hard time about them. If they did, then that isnt a friend is it?I just posted regionals, they like watching the progress they made.They also know what they still need to work on!

Anyway back to the OP, skating really is a bunch of ups and downs.She just needs to remember that is normal, and everybody falls!!Jumps come and go.....

[Schmeck]

But everyone has access to youtube, not just her friends... Just be prepared for the mean kids at school who get wind of it - the middle school crowd sees youtube as the place to highlight the lovely expression 'fail'. I'd never put anything about my daughters on youtube, as I've seen kids tear others apart when they upload something they feel proud about. There are kids who see that as a reason to tear them apart. It's not right, but it's happening.

If a child has an issue about feeling negative about a subject, the last place to put it is on the internet.

[twokidsskatemom]

But everyone has access to youtube, not just her friends... Just be prepared for the mean kids at school who get wind of it - the middle school crowd sees youtube as the place to highlight the lovely expression 'fail'. I'd never put anything about my daughters on youtube, as I've seen kids tear others apart when they upload something they feel proud about. There are kids who see that as a reason to tear them apart. It's not right, but it's happening.

If a child has an issue about feeling negative about a subject, the last place to put it is on the internet.
Then I think we will agree to disagree then.We homeschool but even my kids know there are meanies out there.Its a part of life, no matter if its skating,basketball, art, dance,or whatever they do.You cant not deal with it, nor can you always protect them.If someone made fun of them for whatever reason, life still goes on.Its not a 10 in the grand scheme of things.I dont think the ops daughter is negitive about skating, just dealing with frustration.She has to know that is normal, and there wil always be those better than she is, and those that strugle with just the basics.
imo anyway

[isakswings]

Can't you jsut watch them on your computer or tv without making them public? What's the point of putting them up on youtube, where her peers at school can see them and possibly give her a hard time about them?

I also put them up for family and friends who live out of state. Some of my earlier videos were from my old digital camera and it was easier to veiw them on youtube. Make more sense? Plus, I use it as a filing system for me. Plus, I don't think her friends would do that. Besides, I don't think it's bad to see progress. That's just me tho. Oh and my daughter is not negative about her skating and loves seeing her videos up! :) If she asked me to take them down, I would. So, if anything ever became and issue, I'd address it.

[Schmeck]

Thanks for taking the time to explain why - that does make a little more sense.

It's just that I work in our local school system, and see (and deal) with this first hand - I'm happy to report that the kids do outgrow that middle school mentality, and by the junior/senior year they seem to get along much better.

[momof3chicks]

Dave - I do think this is a mother who wants her child to feel good about herself more so than worrying about progress.


I don't know about momof3chicks but the biggest thing I want for my daughter is confidence and feeling good about herself! No point in skating otherwise.


Good luck.

Thank you! I am not living my dream through her! That is ridiculous. I simply want her to see and appreciate her own strengths- and like I said, she is like this with school too and really doesn't give herself enough credit for being a good capable girl.

[rsk8d]

There is a great book out there called the Inner Champion: A Mental Training Guide for Figure Skaters. Check it our here (http://http://www.sk8strong.com/catalog/item/6311350/7256776.htm)

or the book and motivational CD here (http://http://www.sk8strong.com/catalog/item/6311350/7256779.htm)

[BuggieMom]

I must also recommend "Skating Out of your Mind" by Cal Sutliff. We have both this book and the Inner Champion book, and I think she got more out of the Cal Sutliff book. You can find his site here (http://http://www.calsutliff.com/products/skating/praise.html)

Cal has a whole part of his book on "losing" a jump (not that this is what is going on with your dd NOW, but it relates)...have her look at this as a transition phase...her beginning 2sal will not, and should not look like her Novice 2sal or her Senior 2sal. There are different steps to, and transitions for, every jump, spin and move out there. Going back and fixing something doesn't mean you are a bad skater, it is just the next step in achieving the next level of this particular jump. When she comes out on the other side of this transition, her 2sal will look totally different, and exactly as it should at that particular level. It will happen again, have no doubt, but always remind her that this is the proper sequence of events for her jumps. No skater ever went through their entire career with the same 2sal they started with...(ETA...this strategy is out of the book, not my own idea, I take no credit)

My dd has the same problem with negativity. You can't really "stop" it, but you can help her recognize it for what it is, and turn it to her advantage. We have our good days and our bad days. As a mom, your "job" (among others!) is to read up on this stuff and keep those coping strategies close at hand to help her when she forgets...and she will forget. We have had many tearful "therapy sessions" by the boards when I have tried to help her think her way through these times, not just "react" to them. Yep, I sound like a mean mom for forcing her to face them, but she needs to face them.

It will get better!

[twokidsskatemom]

Cal has a whole part of his book on "losing" a jump (not that this is what is going on with your dd NOW, but it relates)...have her look at this as a transition phase...her beginning 2sal will not, and should not look like her Novice 2sal or her Senior 2sal. There are different steps to, and transitions for, every jump, spin and move out there. Going back and fixing something doesn't mean you are a bad skater, it is just the next step in achieving the next level of this particular jump. When she comes out on the other side of this transition, her 2sal will look totally different, and exactly as it should at that particular level. It will happen again, have no doubt, but always remind her that this is the proper sequence of events for her jumps. No skater ever went through

That is a perfect way to look at it! My daughter axle in pre pre doesnt look her axle in pre juv.Totally different.Skaters really need to know that its always a work in progress!I hear people say.. well so and so jumps are cheated. EVERYONE starts out with a little jumps, then goes to cheated jumps before they end up with clean big jumps.Its a part of skating that NOBODY talks about.

[momof3chicks]

I must also recommend "Skating Out of your Mind" by Cal Sutliff. We have both this book and the Inner Champion book, and I think she got more out of the Cal Sutliff book. You can find his site here (http://http://www.calsutliff.com/products/skating/praise.html)

Cal has a whole part of his book on "losing" a jump (not that this is what is going on with your dd NOW, but it relates)...have her look at this as a transition phase...her beginning 2sal will not, and should not look like her Novice 2sal or her Senior 2sal. There are different steps to, and transitions for, every jump, spin and move out there. Going back and fixing something doesn't mean you are a bad skater, it is just the next step in achieving the next level of this particular jump. When she comes out on the other side of this transition, her 2sal will look totally different, and exactly as it should at that particular level. It will happen again, have no doubt, but always remind her that this is the proper sequence of events for her jumps. No skater ever went through their entire career with the same 2sal they started with...(ETA...this strategy is out of the book, not my own idea, I take no credit)

My dd has the same problem with negativity. You can't really "stop" it, but you can help her recognize it for what it is, and turn it to her advantage. We have our good days and our bad days. As a mom, your "job" (among others!) is to read up on this stuff and keep those coping strategies close at hand to help her when she forgets...and she will forget. We have had many tearful "therapy sessions" by the boards when I have tried to help her think her way through these times, not just "react" to them. Yep, I sound like a mean mom for forcing her to face them, but she needs to face them.

It will get better!

Thank you! This helps alot. She likes me to read skating stuff with her some evenings, so maybe this will be a good book for that.