Skating Moms

[Inside Edge]

In another thread, someone mentioned that they were a little worried about AP and the mom thing. Since I am not involved in skating on a personal level, I began to wonder about is the norm for a parent's involvement. Do most skater have a parent present at their practices at all times? Is being a skating Mom a full time job? At what age should a skater start going to the rink by themselves? If I recall correctly, Tara's mom went with her to every practice. It doesn't sound like Sarah's mom does.

Drawing from my own life (non-skating) experiences, I think that there is something to be gained from independence. I wonder if too much smothering could lead to problems down the road.

[Artistic Skaters]

Originally posted by Inside Edge
Is being a skating Mom a full time job?
For the grounded & reasonable skating parents, being a skating mom can't be their full time job because they are too busy actually working two full time paying jobs to generate income for their kids to skate. :)

[NiceIce]

My opinion is that any mom of a skater who is older than 12 needs to
attend practice about once or twice a week only.
Those moms who feel the "need" to be there every minute are fabricating reasons to justify it.

[Lee]

I spent a lot of time at the rink up until BD was about 14 or 15 -- only to make sure she was keeping up her end of the bargain by actually working and not holding up the boards.

There were a couple years where she tried to use rink time as social hour. Once she got over that, she was fine and went on to complete her Gold FS and Diamond dances (already had Gold otherstuff).

Lots of parents end up spending time at the rink with kids who can't drive themselves yet -- and if they're coming in from out of town, there's often not too many places for the parent to go.

I think what happens depends on the parent and the situation. Some parents cause no grief by being at the rink all the time; others you hate to see walk into the lobby, let alone the stands.

[Susan]

I loudly second Lee's sentiments. Some parents are no bother in the rink all the time others just make you crinch!

[JD]

We have a little one so we unfortunately spend more time at the rink than we like. This year though, her coach picks her up one day a week for skating, plus we travel one day out of town, so we are also in the rink then. I will be quite happy when she is old enough for me to spend less time freezing at the rink. (smile) and even when I am there, I am inevitably socializing with other moms, as opposed to pestering my daughter. Less time at the rink would be helpful, as we are busily making the money for this. But there are two extremes of parents I've noticed-those who do the drop off at the arena doors and are never seen all season, and those who you wish would go home instead of being armchair coaches. :) I hope most of us are somewhere in the moderate middle...

[AxelAnnie22]

I suspect there is a difference between going to the rink to interfer, and going to the rink to "run interference".

I would imagine most moms are there. How else would the kids get there?

Sasha's mom went the the So Cal rink. She sat in the coffee shop and watched, and (the day I was there) talked to two vendors, and answered the coaches questions regarding two different requests for Sasha to skate at various exhibitions. I would call that running interference.

Sarah has a coach who picks her up each day, and drives her (2 hours?) to her skating rink, replacing the need for her mom to drive her, and given the distance, as well as her fight against cancer, I can see why she is not there.

Both my youngest daughters rode competively. I watched their lessons often, even after they could drive. I think it is part of a parent's job to check in (unannounced and often LOL!). Not only is it important to SEE what is happening, but it is important to just be available to talk.....when asked, of course

:D

[Trillian]

Originally posted by Artistic Skaters
For the grounded & reasonable skating parents, being a skating mom can't be their full time job because they are too busy actually working two full time paying jobs to generate income for their kids to skate. :)

From talking to people who work at rinks I've heard plenty of criticism of an opposite type of skating parent who should be worth mentioning--those who use the rink as a babysitter. Someone who knew one national level skater when she was in her early teens recently told me that she was always the first skater dropped off in the morning and the last one to leave at night, with no sign of her parents in between. Yes, a skater that age can probably take care of herself, but when she's basically being dumped at the rink all day, that can't be a good thing either. The question isn't just "How much time is too much at the rink?", but also "How much time is enough?" It's not a case of not going to an extreme, but figuring out how to balance between two equally problematic extremes.

[serpentine]

as a skater whose parents often left her at the rink on her own, i am glad that my parents recognized that i had the maturity to use my time wisely on the ice. also, at the same time, i recognized my family's situation which in a sense prevented either of my parents from attending a ton of practices. that is not to say that my parents did not drop by occasionally (and usually unannounced) during my practices, but they recognized my need for and thus permitted me some independence.
many skaters were irritated and bothered by the fact that my parents trusted me enough that they did not have to watch over and pressure me every moment of my practice session. in fact, the hassles i faced from these skaters, and sometimes the crude commentary woven into conversations between their parents, were probably the worst memories i have of my time as a skater. I guess this could only have been prevented if a parent of mine had been there more often. Yet, I would not have been happy to have them babysit me from the sides and I learned to cope with this type of conflict, and fight the necessary battles. Hence, i think one should think twice before making judgements as to how come parents are or are not present at the rink, and should evaluate their own situations--if their kids need a parent present at the rink day in and day out, maybe they are not mature enough to pursue a sport such as this that requires mental toughness and a lot of concentration for the tasks at hand--focussed and uninterrupted practice!

just my $0.02.

[viennese]

My mom was like serpentine's -- she generally didn't come to my practices once I'd gotten to a certain age. I may have been a bit younger, though, when I started going to the rink by myself. Fortunately, it was close enough that I could ride my bike.

I remember some skating moms and a few dads who were in the bleachers ALL the time, either watching intently or just hanging out, chatting with friends, reading or doing work. There were one or two who made it kind of oppressive for everyone by constantly by criticizing their own kids, or staring/glaring at the rest of us, or making supposedly constructive remarks

I actually preferred it that my parents didn't make a big deal of coming to my competitions. I loved it, though, when they came to shows and exhibitions. I felt intense competition pressure anyway, and it basically killed my desire to continue competing when my mother said something like, "Let's see how all this hard work and money is paying off" and I was crushed when she went on and on about how good other skaters were, or how pretty they were.

Later on in my teens, when I switched to other sports, I more or less laid down the law and said I didn't want her at hockey games or swim meets. I softened it by saying it made me nervous, but in fact I was furious and depressed if she'd say anything other than, "you looked good out there" or "tell me about how it felt" or "I'm glad you're having such a great time with this sport."

[Inside Edge]

serpentine - I can understand your worst memories. They are similar to mine in that the worst thing about having both parents work is having to endure the comments made by insecure non-working moms. They always seemed to imply that my Mom was a bad mom. I want to be clear that I am not slamming all non-working Moms - - most are great. Everyone should just realize that what works for one family may not work for another.

Thanks to everyone for their responses.

[Chico]

First off, a woman who stays home to raise her children IS working. Being a full time parent AND doing a good job is hard work. Enough said.

Adult skater perspective on skaing moms - Being supportive and showing an interest in a childs skating is a good thing. Getting to know fellow parents, coaches, and skating peers is a good thing. - Skating parents who become "coaches", "judges" of fellow skaters and coaches are NOT. I have seen moms become screaming maniacs at their children over crazy things. I have heard, sometimes from the parent themselves, excuses for lack of education, poor behavior, etc. on their childs part because of skating. Hmm Skating is a sport, and should be FUN. Not, is some of these cases an obsession or excuse. The child should be skating for their spirit not their parents. There are times when this is not always clear with some parents.



Chico

[Mistyeyed]

Originally posted by Chico
First off, a woman who stays home to raise her children IS working. Being a full time parent AND doing a good job is hard work. Enough said.

Adult skater perspective on skaing moms - Being supportive and showing an interest in a childs skating is a good thing. Getting to know fellow parents, coaches, and skating peers is a good thing. - Skating parents who become "coaches", "judges" of fellow skaters and coaches are NOT. I have seen moms become screaming maniacs at their children over crazy things. I have heard, sometimes from the parent themselves, excuses for lack of education, poor behavior, etc. on their childs part because of skating. Hmm Skating is a sport, and should be FUN. Not, is some of these cases an obsession or excuse. The child should be skating for their spirit not their parents. There are times when this is not always clear with some parents.



Chico



Yes Chico and I am not talking about you in this but SOME moms use staying at home and attending their kids activities as good excuses to manipulate the whole show. I have seen it before. Those that think just because they are able they can, they don't have to work outside the home, they take charge and boy do I mean they take charge, almost to the extreme of making the working moms feel that by working they are missing out and are of no use whatsoever. I do see this as a very fine line SAH moms vs. WORKING moms. But the best moms know when to hang on and when to back off!

[Chico]

Didn't think you were talking to me. I do feel strongly that staying home doesn't mean your not working OR that a "working" mom isn't a good parent becuase she works outside the home. As for this topic, being a controling person doesn't come with parenthood. This behavior has nothing to do with parenthood, but the attitude behind the person. The skating parent from heck can show up in all walks of life. Parenthood is not even required for the job.

Chico

[janet]

I do attend most of my daughters practices because she is only nine. IF I do leave the rink I always make sure there is an adult (either her coach or another parent) who will be responsible for her while she is there.

I have a challenge with the parents who drop their kids as young as 8 off or leave the rink without asking another parent to be responsible for them. Since it is a very large skating school housed in a huge complex - there are 8 rinks- there are many many people around, and you never know what could happen. Working or not working or having other kids to tend to is not the issue- it is easy to ask someone else to keep an eye on your child if you aren't there.

As for the interfering parents fortunatley at our rink there is a policy of no parents coaching from the boards. And most parents watch from the Mezzanine area. THat eliminates a bunch of parents (NOT just moms) yelling at their kids or interfering while they are on the ice. Of course that doesn't stop the parents who want to scream at their kids in the dressing room. Luckily there are only a few like that, and it doesn't happen very often.

Jan

[loveskating]

When my child was little, her coach told me that if at all possible, I should attend her lessons. She felt that the little kids do better when a parent is there (she had lots of students at different levels and ages). She was a wonderful person in every way, so I totally respected and trusted her and tried to do as she said.

I felt I should NEVER interfere with a lesson...if I ever felt like doing so, I used to go watch the elite skaters do their 3 jumps in the other rink! However, I made sure that the coach we chose was one who would get along with my very specific child, her characteristics. I believe that I was sometimes able to give the pro an overview of what my child might have meant by saying something. Her coach choreographed a pivot out of a spiral for one program, and she didn't believe she could do it, was very upset. Knowing this, I told her coach, who just explained that of course, if by the time the competition was near she couldn't do it, they would take it out of the program...but she did it. That's the sort of thing a parent can help with...communications.

I believe I was clear at all times that I was doing this, which was a very great sacrifice for me, to support the love and passion my kid had for skating. I never felt I was "investing" in a skating career, rather that I was 'investing' in character training for my child and showing her that her desires and feelings mattered to me, that they were important, all in the hope that in setting that example, in choosing freinds etc. in life, she would gauge to some extent whether they were loving and supportive of her needs.

However, as the skating progresses, even for someone at the lower levels of the sport, its impossible to be there all the time...especially not if you are working 4 nights a week overtime to pay the bills!!!

[ice mommy]

Some interesting comments here. For myself, since the trek to the rink would take more than 1 1/2 hrs each way on public transit, I found myself giving up my job so that my daughter could train at a suitable facility. The upside of this is that my daughter and I have bonded in a way we wouldn't have otherwise. In addition, keeping an eye on what the coach is doing *and charging for* isn't a bad notion. It shocked me to realize how many coaches billed for more than they actually did with a skater, and how many spent time talking with a skater and called it a billable lesson.

[rack]

May I interrupt with a (slightly off topic) question?

Does anybody know if parents of synchronized skaters sit in on practices?

I have my reasons for asking!:lol:

[JDC1]

Yes, actually at Fairfax they do. There is a synchro team of young girls that practice and the place is jammed with moms and dads when I get there to skate at the public session. I've over heard conversations and some parents do stay there during the practice.

I've seen parents coaching their children on the week-ends and let me tell you it's not a good idea. The children don't like it they get sullen, one in particular, this woman is a coach, and she publicly berates, her rather talented and beautiful 8 year old kid, for not listening. Another mother coaches her kid and she's terrilbe. The kids 3 turns are sloppy, she doesn't tell her to watch her arms........I could go on. I think that parents who want to be and can be involved should be careful not to cross the line.

As for "working" versus "non working" moms perhaps some acronym like "woth" for working outside the home and "wah" working at home. I doubt anyone means anything derogatory when they say "non" working.

[Lee]

My daughter and I are at the opposite end of the spectrum -- if a coach can't be with her for a comp she WANTS me to be her 'coach' -- more like moral support than anything. I'd rather NOT 'coach' her (I get far too nervous for her for our own good), but rather than see her go completely without that support at a comp, I'll do it.

However, going to events coachless became more the norm than not over the past few years, and I always made a point of checking with her coach to see what the warm-up routine was like, what 'reminders' and mental kickstarts she needed -- all those kinds of things. Daughter is now 18 and going coachless this year as she takes on some coaching herself. Guess who's going to be sitting at the boards at any events she competes in this year? Wish me luck -- the nerves don't get any better as she gets older...:P

[pattern99]

wow... I've seen some CRAZY mothers in my 7 years of skating.. eeek! Although every coach I've had has said that they wish every parent was like my mom. Simply put:

-My mom was involved and when I was younger (up until last summer) came and watched my practices everyday due to a bad accident I had 3 years ago. She wouldn't leave because of the distance involved and usually just sat and watched. The best part was, she's smile through the glass when she knew I'd landed this or that...and naturally, not having ANY idea what the hell I'd just done! To this day, she still can't tell a loop from an axel or a sit from a layback. Her philosphy was, "Hey, I'm paying the coach to do their job, so I need to step back and let them do their jobs correctly." Occasionally she'd come out to the ice to see what I had landed or to tell me something was pretty...but the norm...everything was saved for the car ride home. And just for the record, my mom didn't work (though now she does) and usually brought a book to read or talked to a few of the other parents. She liked to talk to the skate moms because she said it was humorous to see what type of INTERESTING things they could come up with. oh so true. Now days, I either drive myself or get dropped off with my training pal, Joel and then she picks me up on her way from other errans and stuff. For the most part, I feel like the luckiest person in the world because my mom has been such great support throughout my skating career. She knew when to step in (while I was fighting with my coaches) and when to step back.... mainly, she knew just how to let me lose and follow my dreams. So thanks mom.

*patt99*

[pinkjellybean]

My mom never interfered with coaching eventhough shewould go to all of my practices and I think that's the area some parents cross into skating mom land... My practices were never an obsessions, if I skated in the morning or afternoon while she was working my coach drove me to school or got me from school and took me to skating. If my mom left to run errands (especially as my practices grew longer and I would teach afterwards) I know she always made sure someone was around incase of an accident but I think that's common sense... and she didn't want to just ship me off either.

As I got older and used the car more often I drove myself... The funny thing (or maybe not so funny) is that because she was never pushy I wanted her there even when I could drive myself (she didn't quite want to sit on the cold hard benches everyday though, hehe)... my mom talked with my coaches to see how I was doing since she often speaks of knowing nothing about skating... but they talked relative to the timelines and goals my coaches and I had so that she knew what was happening from my coaches perspective...

I know other parents take it too far and get overly involved or not involved enough. I liked having my mom help with the competitions or carnivals at our club but she was never over the top or always in my face, and her involvement didn't have to always be where I was so she could babysit me.. After seeing some of the kids shipped off, jumping out of the car or waiting for a car...or the others who never get a moments peace (my mom always watched from behind the glass, she didn't come and try to coach beside my coach) I'm grateful I never had a bad skating mom...

I know my coaches always loved her because she never tried to tell them how to do their job, she saw her job as a supporter and motivator. I love having her at practices because shedoesn't watch me like a hawk or anything but I know that afterwards if I talk about something she will know what I'm referring to... and she'll know how things have gone. Now that I train and live away from home I realize even more how lucky I was she was always there and eventhough she's not at all my practices she's always so supportive... in the past we've had two run ins with bad coaches and she was a great support. Thankfully there was no way she was going to make me stay with the coaches because of their reputation or name. My welfare and love of the sport was always at the forefront of her conern and I've seen many parents lose sight of that... My friends mom left her with one of those coaches and she ended up quitting because of him. She ended up coming back to skating now, away from home because there's no pressure from her parents and she skates because she loves it :)

[cuteness]

My mom was one those crazed moms. She always had to be there to make sure I wasn't chatting at the boards or goofing around and not practicing intently every second. :roll: She would scream my name and wave her hands around like a mad woman if I was standing around. She did push me a lot, but she was just overbearing sometimes. Constantly on my case, and I think she was competitive enough for the both of us...

[adrianchew]

There are no skating dads? :?:

[Yazmeen]

Adrian: Yes, there are skating Dads, and I know one of the "Dad's from rhymes with WELL"--to give you an idea of how obsessed he is, he busts his hump until he finds a rink open on July 4th to get Freestyle time for his daughter...God forbid, she'd ever take a day off...

His kid is very talented, but her jumps are cheated and poor because she is pushed to compete higher and higher by Daddy Dearest. He has switched her from club to club to position her for better shots at all levels of competition, from State Games to Regionals. In one past competition, she wasn't ready to compete her Freestyle program, and she conveniently "forgot" her skates the day of the program. Dad, to put it mildly, was less than pleased. At the same comp, she medaled in elements, but Dad couldn't be bothered to let her stick around to collect the well deserved medal.

The pity is, she is quite talented, and would probably be quite happy if she could just skate and have fun--but to Dad, medals are the only sign of progress.

I also work with Dads who are totally lovely people who support their kids regardless of outcome. Several of them also skate. One of my favorites embarasses the DAYLIGHTS out of his teenage daughter because he takes private lessons with her coach, but he is darn good. We skate at about the same level and love to commiserate about difficult skills. As with most things, its depends on the person. Some are great, and some leave you stunned.