I have to start this one...especially after my primary coach said this one...

Coach: You have any M&M's??? Could I have some M&M's???
Me: I don't have any M&M's... you want me to get you some M&M's???
Coach: (Laugh) I was wondering if you were hold any M&M's in your hand.
Me: No...no M&M's... nothing in my hand...
Coach: Then why are you clenching your hand like you have something in your hand.

AH!!! He's trying to tell me to OPEN MY HANDS again!!!

(I told him I just have to put that saying on the net...it's definitely a goodie!!!)

Cheers,
jazzpants

I sometimes develop a quirky arm position during my loop jump.....coach refers to it as my "Statue of Liberty Loop"....my left arm flying up over my head. I'm not even aware that I'm doing it!

I have one for clenched hands as well,

"You don't need a hammer or a screwdriver for skating"

Took me ages to work out what he was talking about.

You guys have funny coaches.!! Mine are very young and like to laugh but they're not full of wise cracks yet, I think they need to be more seasoned.

I have a standard line I used, it takes me longest to really "grasp" some of the mohawk or step sequences so I always say, "Okay someone help the blonde girl" and that usually get's a laugh.

Call it the "Boitano" Loop position (as opposed to the "Boitano Lutz" position.") That will get a laugh out of your coach!

Cheers,
jazzpants

Good idea! I think I'll make the "Tano Loop" my signature jump!

Geez, I think my former coach was NOTORIOUS (and still is!) for his sayings...

These are my personal favs!!

- STROKE NOW! DIE LATER!! (said after a student PRETENDED to have an asthma attack to get out of stroking after her program.. MY FAV SAYING!!!)

- Don't try, DO! (Um... double axel anyone?)

- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRGHHHHHHH!!! :: bangs skates against boards :: (sumthing to do with not landing the DANG jump....)

- humph... females...

- FPSA!! (female power strikes again... um..can we say duh?)

- Her: OMG, I almost sat on his banana (her husbands, of course!

- Her: Yeah, I'd like to see you stuff a rooster the wrong way! (has to do with a story told by another coach who tried to stuff a thanksgiving day turkey the wrong way! )

- LAND THE DANG JUMP!!! (gee, if only it were that easy! I'd like to see your OLD self do a double axel... yeah, point made! lol)

and his all time, most famous SAYING!!!

- PPPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ( usually causing him to turn almost purple in the process. Done during programs...before a big competition.)

I got some better ones...but I can't post'em... too damn funny tho!!!
enjoy!!

*patt99*

PS> NR if ur reading this... MUAHAHHA! L/Y!

Former Coach: What nationality are you?
Me: Um, American?
Former Coach: Know what you are? You're Russian (rushin' )!

Since then, I've been a rather slow skater....

__________________
This space has been put on hiatus for retuning....

I always get (after complaining of rear end pain from a fall) "didn't hurt me a bit". Another personal favorite "again". And then when I complain about "again" he changes it to "one more". Haha. thinks he's a comedien. I always tell him I"m going to make him ex-lax brownies and that if I'd wanted another husband I'd move to Utah. We have a great time, can you tell?

__________________
Careygram

January: Sure I'll compete, quick, send the application
April: I signed up to do WHAT??

wow!! You really gotta love coaches ya know! Where else would we provide ourselves with this type of entertainment?? Oh and BTW, my first coach, Tracey Damigella used to use the "Russian" (rushin') thing all the time... grrr...I know the feeling!

But still... my former coach can prolly beat them all out with his nutzy sayings...I can't even remember them all.
But for sure, every female is refered to as "ding-a-ling" and he recently (ok, last summer) started this habit where every sentence started with "yo!"...hmm... a middle aged (almost senior citizen..MUAHAHAA ) man walking around and saying "yo"... right... Oh and don't forget about the NEOPS (negative influences of other people..) cuz well... he likes to think he's Jodi Victor...
Alrighty.. when he blushes, he always uses the excuse that the sunshine in the rink gave him a sunburn (yeah, we don't have any windows..'oops'

Now I couldn't let this go without mentioning his manerisms...
1) Must be an old school thing, but he likes to walk outside on the cement without guards while balancing on his toe-picks.. strange

2) Gotta love the way he stands at the end of the ice and stands perfectly still with his hands clasped... I actually sat and watched him for a min. one day... nothing moved except his eyes!! it's funny!!

3) Got one of those FAMOUS jackets... you know...hideousy ugly... yuck!! This one looked like the Michelin Tire Man... Viking Funeral anyone? (Luckily...we fixed that problem!!

4) Snow balls anyone?? wow, endless hours of throwing snow at each other... not! Only every other lesson..

So what type of "different" manerisms do your coaches have?? What makes'em famous at your rink??

Don't worry, I gotta add a few others bout the other coaches I've had... it'd take too long!! Enjoy!

My coach was definitely watching me on the Wed. morning session (no lesson though.) He went zipping by on back crossovers and yell "M&M's" as he passes by me!!! This one doesn't miss a thing.

Oh, and my secondary coach had a zinger for my two footed landing.

"You land that loop two footed again and I'm gonna put guards on your free leg!!!"

Needless to say... the people who know this coach roared when I told them what she told me.

Most time she just says: "CHICKEN!!!" (And she's right! I *AM* a chicken on loops! Boc boc boc...)

Cheers,
jazzpants

lol, Jazzpants!! I actually saw a coach do that to one of his students at a competition in LP last year!!!! It looks SOOOO weird. She was a pre-novice Canadian skater. I swear...skating coaches really are delusional. I suppose all that coffee gets to you after awhile. One of my coaches screamed out in the middle of my short program during practice one day, "TRASHY!!! YOU MUST BE MORE TRASHY!!!" At 6 in the morning, all 2 skaters that were out there, were hobbled over the boards laughing!!! What made it worse was that she has a really heavy Austrian accent...lordy.

Gotta love the coaches right???

*patt99*

"I saw you land your axel--you popped up just like a jack-in-the-box!"

"I'm going to get you to land that jump on one foot even if it kills you!" Now there's an incentive.

Former coach, after I'd two-footed a jump landing:

"It's a good thing you don't have a third foot, because you'd put that d*** thing down too!"

More from my secondary coach:

"Frankstein arms!!!" (or "Frankie")
"You two foot that loop again and I'm gonna get <fellow skater> to hit you."
"You two foot that loop again and I'm gonna throw snow at you." (And proceeds to get snow from her blades and form snow balls too. The first two I did fine. The third jump I two footed the landing again and she aims it at me...but misses.)

And my all time favorite:

"Stop scrunching on that landing like you're sitting on the toilet!!!"

Cheers,
jazzpants

Too funny. =-)

I could write a novel after most lessons. Some of the funniest I can't type here.

"Who taught you THAT? It sure wasn't the h*** me!"

"This is figure skating. This is not male catching. Suck your cute butt in."

"That's ugly, stop it. THAT'S UGLY, STOP IT!"

"The ice isn't going anywhere stop looking at it."

"Did you think that was good? Well, let me tell you it wasn't."

After working on something with my coach and not doing "blank" right. "What happened to "blank"? Me, "I didn't get to it on my list of things to remember."(You know, keep your head up, after remembering hands, feet, check, etc.)Coach, "Better put it at the top of the list this time!"

Chico

__________________
"I truly believe, when God created skating, he patted himself on the back."

Our team captain (not a coach, but she does know what she's talking about) told my husband to bend his knees more and stick his bottom out less. Why does it take her to tell him this so it sinks in when his coach, my coach, our coach (only 2 people!) and I have all been telling him it for YEARS?

__________________
Mrs Redboots
~~~~~~~~
I love my computer because my friends live in it!
Ice dancers have lovely big curves!

Here's what my daughter hears, but always well placed, and made fun:

Her female coach:

Spaghetti arms!!!! [ok, we have problems with arms going everywhere]

You are going to land this XXX if it kills me [fill in the blank]

Nice butt !!![joke for the two of them, often loudly during her somewhat interesting positioning in a sit spin...]

Pokey Puppy....

Success starts in your head....


Her male coach:

She has all the posture of a limp noodle....[despite the ballet]

Ballet fingers!!!

My coach on motivation: Don't do it for yourself, do it for me!

CHico, I swear, our coaches must be sooo simular. THe best jokes I can't repeat! wow!!!

hmmm.... lets see....

"Man, if my jump looked like that I'd run off the ice screaming bloody murder"

Male Coach- Why didn't you land that double axel??
Me- I TRIED!
Male Coach- No, you didn't. It's an easy jump. Or are you too female to process more than one command at a time?? here puppy!! (slaps hand on theigh)
Me- Fine, you think you're so damn high and mighty, well then go do that damn jump yourself.
Male Coach- I don't HAVE to do it anymore. I already DID it...therefor, it's your turn to suffer and you WILL go try another one
Me- But you always sed that trying isn't good enough eh? Oh I know... after standing in this ice rink for 8 hours your brain is deprived of oxygen. Maybe if you weren't sitting on it, there wouldn't be a problem.
Male Coach- Go do the jump
Me- NO!
Male Coach- Go do the fricken jump before I have a coronary!!!
Me- My dream, coming true!
Ends with me trying to unsuccessfully strangle him. Lol! gotta love'em.

He has provided me with countless hours of entertainment!! And his wife is just as bad... oh brother. Now the homesickness sets in...

Lol!
*patt99*

JD, since you brought up ballet... I got another oldie from my secondary coach...

Mistress Coach (MC): Have you take ballet before?

Me: (thinking a while...I've taken ballet but only for a few months...) No.... (see Note below...)

MC: Figures!!! God, we got to get you into a ballet class quick!!!

Note: I'm embarrassed to admit that I did take ballet...because I was probably the slowest student in the ballet class. I do not have any GRACE to speak of... nor the flexibility or the nice slim body that most of the ballet student has. I gave it up when my sciatica hit me a couple of years back and I was not able to do any ballet, or skating... or anything else outside of swimming!

Cheers,
jazzpants

I bought my coach a t-shirt that she will often wear when coaching her adult friends....(me and my dance partner...) It says "I see dumb people"....When we mess up, she can just show us the shirt.....

She was commenting on the other thread here about gold adult level requiring axels.....she says, "They want to see you take off from a forward edge.....then SPLAT!"

Other comments...."You look like Big Bird out there, ready to take off"...
(My wild arms no doubt) And of course the usual, "What the he** was that?!" and my favorite while doing back 3-turns..."I could use your rear end for a table!"

I must say mine has the tiny body of a ballerina and the legs...and god knows, she has a Russian ballet instructor at the skating school who loves her and thinks she is just great....and the pics we have of her from the studio do not at all resemble the posture, let alone arms, of the girl we see on the ice.... all the money spent on ballet very very rarely shows up on the ice[ unless it is during her show numbers]......her ballet instructor is threatening to get out there with her....hehehe...kind of makes you wonder where this training disappears to doesn't it???

patern 99,

Your coach does sound like mine somedays. Saying that, if he ever made those female comments to me I'd wack him in the noodle with my skate guards. The poop. You know what worked with me and my coach on skills? We made a bargain once, if I did blank, I could get blank. Boy, this worked like a champ. Is there something YOU want in skating? Use this as your bargaining tool on that 2 axel. To think I'm proud of myself when I land a single axel........ How close is your 2 axel? Coaches saying on fear. "That's being a chicken s***".

Chico

__________________
"I truly believe, when God created skating, he patted himself on the back."

Lol Chico! Yes, he sure got slapped alot!! Actually, my deal with him on my double axel was that I had to land 2 clean ones on one foot. He had to see them, then he had to crawl out to center ice and kiss the red dot in the middle. Still struggling with my dbl axl thanks to an old injury that flared up again

But in all honesty, some of the best times I had were with those two coaches... I do recall snow ball fights and water bottle spraying at each other... hmmm.... yes, coaches really are nuts. His advice to me on my dbl axl, "Land the damn jump" which was usually followed by some sort of imature hissy fit by him... aww shucks...miss'em both bundles. Man, miami really blows when you're a figure skater. ummm...dbl axl is clean...but 2 footed on account of my chicken ****ing and a very painful ankle injury.... URGH!

*patt99*

PS> Rubin's rule!!!