OK I'm posting about something difficult which is making me really angry.

For the last 18 months we have picked up a much older girl at my daughters school and taken her from rink to school and pm school to rink 1 day a week.

Our family situations are v v different. I work full time, my youngest skates, my hisband is dying of cancer and we live 6 miles from school and 30 miles from rink. The other family, dad works, but mum is at home, they live about 3 miles from school and about 15 miles from rink. Other family have only taken my daughter twice in all this time and even when my husband was in hospital didn't offer and expected me to do the pick ups even though they knew I was tkaing time out of work and hospital visits to do it.

Well I have reached the end of my tether. I don't mind doing all of this but the girl is rude, to me and to my daughter, she is horrible to my daughter and makes comments about her skating, her clothes and says she is being fussy/picky/panicking (there is 7 years between them).

I have finally had enough and want to tell the mother that we won't take the girl anymore. However, I am sort of friendly with the mother and the girls have the same coach. Rink policitcs is so awful and I don't want to end up with bad feeling or me being seen to be being mean.

The mother has witnessed the girls rudeness twice in the last 2 days and not said a word.

Would I be totally out of step to pull the mother aside and say something along the lines of "sorry but we won't be taking x to the rink anymore because of the way she speaks to us" then try to build bridges with the mother? I am sure she will just resent it and then there will be bad feeling, but I really can't bear it any longer!!!

Hi ukmum

Does this older skater's mother know your family background, that you work full time, and your husband is dying of cancer in hospital? Perhaps if you explain the situation to her, she will be more understanding.

As regards to her daughter's rudeness, well you can pull the mother aside and said to her that this is her last chance to do something about her daughter's bad attitude, and if her daughter is not improving in her attitude, and keeps on the rude attitude, then you won't take her to the rink anymore; rather than straightaway that you won't take her daughter to the rink anymore.

The mother may not have said a thing, if she is not aware of the seriousness of the situation.

Try to resolve the issue amicably, by talking nicely to the mother first, as it is always better to have a friend than an enemy.

Good luck with sorting the situation out.

londonicechamp

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry about your husband's illness.

I don't doubt the girl is being rude, but it's not worth the argument/loss of friendship. You're under a lot of stress and probably feeling overwhelmed. You deserve a break.

This would be the opportunity to ASK the other family to split the driving duties 50/50 going forward, if you feel you can trust them to get her there/back safely. Be honest: you have a lot on your plate and need some assistance from others. That will give the other mother an opportunity to see how the girls interact.

If you really want a complete break, simply tell the other mother that you need a break from driving both girls. Having both girls together is awkward due to the age gap and you'd like some "alone time" with your daughter in the car to measure how she's handling her father's illness, etc.

I wouldn't bring up the other girl's mouth at this time. You're angry and upset, you might say something you'll regret and lose the friendship. You really need friends at this time.

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Hi Icechamp - have you switched from the Uk forum or are you on both?

Sadly the mother knows the whole situation at home. My v brave little girl (9) told her friends and it is common knowledge as that is the way she wanted it.

The mother has actually been there for the last 2/3 times she has been very rude (it happens everytime we see the girls, but of course usually her mother isn't there because we taKe her)!!

On Sautrday at the xmas show I had decided to talk to the mother tomorrew and sort of give an early warning, but then there was another incident last night where the girl butted in during the show and screamed at my daughter to stop panicking she had ages etc and to stop being a baby.

My daughter wasn't being a baby (if she was I would have dealt with it) I just happened to be helping an older girl with a costume and said "this one's tricky, I wonder how x got on with it. The girs screamed at me that I was being stupid and that she had ages to change. Then backstage when I had finished helping someone, my daughter was struggling with the quick change and no one was free to help so I helped her. Thats when the older girl came over and screamed at my daughter. I couldn't do anything as they were both going on etc.

This has really tipped me over the edge on the fury scale. I have too much going on to be a doormat to this stroppy selfish 16year old. her mother is very nice, but completly ineffectual - example the girl injured herself and was told by dr's not to skate. The girl created, and her mother said "but what can I do" and took her skating everyday anyway - even when she was apparently too injured to go to school. I can't be a doormat just because she is for her daughter.

Really sorry but I am angry and I think with just cause. This has been going on for ages and clearly she has been doing it to her mother since she could talk. I might just see if I can change the day my daughter skates.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this all. What a way to make a tough time tougher.
I'd just approach her and tell her that you will no longer be able to give her daughter rides because of conflict between the two girls (or if you want to be brave, say her daughter's attitude towards you). (I think the "alone time" suggestion is a good one too)

If she's a friend, she'll try to make it right. If she's not, then you probably didn't want to have her as one anyway.

Rink politics- well, the moms will talk, and if the girl is the brat you say she is, they'll see you in the right. Besides, if you keep giving her rides, won't they just say you're a pushover?


(Another suggestion- and one I used in high school when an annoying girl took advantage of ME for rights, was do the "i'll give the ride if you start paying" approach. It still sucks just as much, but at least you aren't footing the bill for someone who doesn't split the duties)

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Sorry Isk8nyc I think I was typing when you posted so missed it.

Thank you, as a family most of the time we are doing Ok and for a fiar portion of the time better than that. I have asked numerous times but usually for some reason she can't/won't. her assumption is that i will do it, even when she is taking her son there anyway she doesn't offer and in fact doesn't even mention that she will be taking him (he only goes to school a mile from their school). Only twice has she done the run in all this time.

it is upsetting my daughter, and she can't bear to be near her. (she gets on well with the son who is nearly the same age).

I have since found out that several other people have had the same thing with rudeness/selfishness.

I don't want an argument or bad feeling but even without my family situation it isn't fair on us and it isn't fair on the mother either. I personally think she is so used to being treated badly that she just doesn't see it when it is done to others. Her husiband treats her the same way .

Sorry for my rant but this is so difficult.

You could change the lesson days, but it sounds like they'd rearrange their schedule as well. Get out of it gracefully - discussing it with the mother will just require more pain and anger from you. You have better things to do with your time and energy.

Don't burn any bridges - just find a quiet exit. Does your school/rink have a holiday break coming up? If so, tell the mother AND THE DAUGHTER that, after the break, you won't be able to drive the daughter to the rink anymore and they'll have to make other arrangements.

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Hi ukmum

I am on both, as I have some skating friends from the UK forum as well.

I know that you are angry with this other girl at this point, but then you do really need friends at this point, more so than ever.

I do understand the awkwardness and difficulty of your situation. (((hugs))) Maybe if you really cannot bear it anymore, you should really just tell this other 16 year old girl's mother that you need some alone time with your daughter. You can also try the 'you start paying' approach.

The 16 year old girl's mom may just behaved the way she is coz of how her husband treated her.

I once was hurt by my friend (non-skating) when she criticised me for putting church first thus the failing of my exams (I was brought up in a Christian family and go to church on Sundays) and that my husband only married me coz of money (my late dad was a very wealthy businessman). This hurt me so much that I cut off my friendship completely with this friend of mine. We eventually did mend the break in friendship but then that took me some guts and also only happened after about 4 months.

Hi ukmum

I think that you should follow Isk8NYC's suggestion. That is a good one.

londonicechamp

Thanks folks

Do you think I am being unreasonable?

We are on Christmas break now and I would have seen them tomorrow but lessons now cancelled due to snow. I probably won't see them now until the first day she will expect us to take the girl.

Mum has even rearranged girls school leaving times to fit in with ours so that we take hr (little one finish earlier).

I guess I will let it lie over Christmas and tackle it when I see her. Whilst I don't want to do it when I am this angry I don't want to repeat the past and lie down and take it all yet againbecause I have forgotten just how horriblke it is.

Huge thanks folks.

Have a merry, safe and enjoyable Christmas

This sounds like really good advice. Rinks are hot beds of gossip so best to not burn any bridges. I think I'd go down the route of saying that it's inconvenient to give lifts any more and that you need some family time in the car. Is the drive such that you could claim that it's becoming inconvienent to give the girl a lift home?

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband and I hope that you are able to spend time together as a family over Christmas and are able to enjoy that time together.

Huge thanks for your good wishes.

Its hard to claim that it's inconvenient as the journey for me is the same if I take my daughter from school to the rink or rink to school as they go to the same rink and same school. The only horrible bit is having the girl with us. It does however mean that I have to leave work 2 hours earlier than if her mother took them sometimes so on an average day I do it I get to work at 10am and have to leave by 2.15 then make the time up at the weekend or evenings. I am suppossed to work 8.30 - 5pm but have some flexibility due to my husbands illness but I still have to get the job done.

Do you split the driving already? I didn't get that impression from your post.

This isn't an excuse for the girl's behavior, but I've found that if I give my kids a drink and snack after school on the way to the rink, they get along well and there are no arguments. I think their hunger/thirst make them a little mean, if you know what I mean.

I'd call the mother now and ask her to find another way for her daughter to get to/from the rink once vacation is over. Just say it's too much for you with all you have going on in your busy life and don't back down. You deserve the break, lol. Evaluate the situation later in the Spring.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

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Frankly I don't think you owe any huge explanation. You have been more than kind all this time and are getting nothing but aggravation for it.

SO!! Just do what the others have mentioned....would like some alone time w/ daughter, and need to make this change for your family. Period. No other explanation/excuses needed. You need to put your family first--you owe this to you and your daughter--you owe them nothing.

Good luck!! I'm so so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this!!

Thanks again folks

The only spilt with the driving has been between me and my husband when he has been well enough because he wants to see her skate as ,uch as he can before it is too late.

Funnily enough I have 4 missed calls on my mobile from the mother in the last hour so maybe it is to apologise, on the other hand as my friend said, maybe she wants me to have them for the day!

You have gotten lots of good advice. I will add another suggestion. If you feel you need to say something other than what others have already posted, you might add that the girls need a break from each other. Sounds like they don't get along and the stress is not good for them either. Whatever you choose, bow out gracefully. You need peace at this time, not more stress and obligations.

Best wishes to you and your family this Christmas.

Kay

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"My life is very stressful right now and I'd like to concentrate on the family time I have while driving with my daughter in private. I'm really sorry but I'm not able to drive your daughter anymore". And then STOP TALKING ..... I sense that you might continue to elaborate and say more than you would have wanted to.

That's perfect. (((HUGS))) Sorry for all your going through right now!

On a completely different track from this thread. But you might like to think about videoing your daughter skate so that when your husband isn't well enough to come down to the rink he can still see what she's doing. I'm sure your daughter would like to know that her dad is still able to see her skate and he'll still feel part of it.

Funnily enough this is what we have just decided to do. We made our first film tonight. It has not just her but we are also filming bits of her skating friends. A couple of them wanted to be filmed wishing him merry christmas etc. The little group of them have said that that are going to make a film each week and include messages for him. Don't know why e didn't think of it before!!!

I think this is perfect...just perfect! You have gone WAY above and beyond to accomodate these people. I would not want to burn bridges either BUT (personal opinion here) they are totally taking advantage of you. It's ok for you to say NO. It is your right!!!

Sorry too for all you are going through...many ((((Hugs)))).

Sell whatever you are driving and buy a 2 seat convertible. Problem solved!

Pardon my humor, there's plenty of good advice here. I hate making enemies too, but when you're right you're right and you just can't afford to worry about it (for the sake of your sanity). The mother will probably get over it, and everyone else will surely understand if they've seen how awful the girl is.

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What she said!!
And don't back down because you feel sorry for this woman because her husband and daughter treat her like a dishrag. When I first started prosecuting domestic violence cases years ago and was totally frustrated, one of our judges told me, "You just can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped." Until someone makes up their mind they're ready to stand up for themselves there is very little anyone else can do in that situation.

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Well I can't thank you folks enough!! I plucked up my courage and said that I was sory but that we wouldn't be bringing x to the rink anymore. She didn't even ask why, just said that it fitted well as the girl would be doing exams soon. Not even a thank you for all the times we did it but hey ho.

I had decide that if she asked I would tell her politely and calmly why but she didn't even ask. She didn't even ask if my husband was ok which I would have thought would be an obvious question as to why we couldn;t do it.

We all feel so relieved and I can't thank you enough for the very sound advice.

She is just plain out rude. Glad it went well and now you can concentrate on your husband and daughter with out the stress of the bratty girl. Best wishes to you and your family.