Here's a thread JUST for those of you to share those hilarious jabs that your coaches makes about your skating that makes you want to kill him/her but can't b/c you're laughing so hard...

I'll start with a few of mine (mostly from my primary coach):

1)
"Do you have any M&M???"
"No, why?"
"I was gonna say that that if you have any that it should go in your mouth...not in your hand!!!" (Complaining about my clinching my fist instead of letting my hand relax...)

2)
"I should stick toothpicks inside your gloves so that it'll hurt when you close your hand."

3)
Coach: "Are you looking for spare change?"
Me: "No!'
Coach: Then stop looking down on the ice!!!

4)
"Hey! Now that CoP is saying that doing a backspin on BO edge is a Level 1 a BI edge is considered to be a Level 3, maybe the judges will give you extra points on your backspin on your Bronze FS test after all!!!" (His jab on me b/c I start off on a BO edge but immediately fall onto the BI edge on my backspin.) And then he went as far as actually doing it himself... and then I declared my primary coach as LOCO and quickly skated away...

5)
"HEY! Less talking! More skating!!! Move it!!!" (I was saying hello to an on ice buddy I haven't see in a LOOOONG time, but it was 2 minutes before the ice cut...")

6)
"WOW!!! She finally got the power 3's on that side! Maybe next week we'll even get some POWER out of her!!!" (Commenting that I got my LFO3 side done right... but was slow as a slug!!!)

and my all time favorite where I just want to kill him but didn't b/c I'm laughing so hard...

7)
"Maybe you should go have a baby with your husband so we can open up those HIPS!!!" (Complaining about my closed hip...)

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Cheers,
jazzpants

11-04-2006: Shredded "Pre-Bronze FS for Life" Club Membership card!!!
Silver Moves is the next "Mission Impossible"
(Dare I try for Championship Adult Gold someday???)

Thank you for the support, you guys!!!

Lol, Jazzpants!! Great thread!

1. I was recently told I looked like I was on Quaaludes when I did a certain element. (Which then brought me to mention, during lesson, that at my dad's college, they gave out Quaaludes at the campus health clinic! He went to school in the 50's, and I doubt they do this anymore! If they did, it'd be an even more popular school than it is!)

2. Another great one was "Now what's with this lame-a$$ entry into your spin? Now I mean lame-a$$ in the nicest way." Tee-hee.

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Very funny, jazz!

There have been many directed at me. I wish I could remember them all.

1. First pairs coach, responding to my statement that I just can't do the death spiral: "Can't means lazy!"

2. Current pairs coach, upon viewing the touch-down of the axel lift, said something like, "There are a million ways of ending a lift ... let's not make 'ugly' one of them."

3. Many coaches have echoed this sentiment: "Steve, how is it that you can bring your leg to your ear or above your head, but you can't do a simple crossover?"

4. Singles coach jokingly told me: "We really need to work on your arm movements. It would be good if they could distract the judges from looking at your feet."

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Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.
"Do what you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life."
-Haha, I've *arrived*! I am listed as a reference on Wikipedia.

I always tell my beginners not to look down at the ice. "Nothing there but hockey player spit and no one wants to see that!" It's especially effective after they pick up some snow and put it in their mouth !!!!

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1) My coach told me she was going to take her sons weights and put them on my hands so they wouldnt fly anywhere.... so the next day she took her gloves and stuck them on my hands and if they fell off it would mean i wasn't keeping my arms from flying everywhere and of course I was doing the european and i kept doing 3 turns and the gloves would fly off!

1. "If you skate that way in competition, you better find another door to get off the ice." (I was looking for that other door at AN on Satuday night )

2. "Is your weight up again? I can tell." I HATE that one...

3. "That's a true camel spin, complete with the hump..." Referring to the lack of stretch in my position, when my butt is higher than my leg.

4. "Bend your knees! Don't stick out your bootie"

There are a ton more, just can't think of them now.

• "Oi, buddha butt!"
• "I said that there was hope, I DIDN'T say that there was potential!"
• "You look like a whale trying to get out of the sea"
• "You're spinning so fast that I can count your eyelashes"
• "Go towards the barrier .... I said GO TOWARDS THE BARRIER ...... HELLOOOOOO ...... THE BARRIER IS THAT WHITE THING AT THE SIDE OF THE RINK"
• "No, not that left, the other left"
• "You Donkey"
• "Did you find what you were looking for?" (on the ice)
• "Breakfast, let's see your breakfast" (meaning get your leg up on the spiral ... gross, I know )
• "Will you please stop looking at your feet they're not going to leave the end of your legs"
• Similar to Jazzpants' "have a baby" one was being told to "flash" (actually it was a slightly more gross expression than that but I wouldn't want to use it on a public board!)
• "You plonker"

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The best whisper is a click

Let's see, I have a few:
When I bail on a spin (sits especially)
Jill (coach): Terri, what am I gonna say??
Terri : Uh, ride the edge going in??
Jill: Who has told you this (reminding me of the umpteen coaches that have commented to me on this!)

This past week, while doing back power perimeter crossovers with secondary coach: "Turtles move faster than you!" She then proceeded to chase me around the ice. Now this was 4:30 on a weekday afternoon- prime freestyle time at my rink.

And the last one- this was yesterday morning on lesson:
"Terri- you have the pattern wrong (back power perimeter crossover)"
After a few minutes of working on said pattern - "Adults are so moves retarded"(she was working with one earlier on the forward power crossover move from the Adult Gold test)

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Adult Nationals, 2009 "The Time of My Life"

Oh, another one from a former secondary coach:

Coach: Everytime you two foot that landing on a loop you owe me a quarter!

After two footing a half dozen more loops...

Coach: At the rate we're going, I can afford to send my kids to college!!!

Same coach, different student who's trying for an axel....

Try #1: That... looks like a dead carcass...
Try #2: That... is a UFO... (Unidentified Flying Object)

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Cheers,
jazzpants

11-04-2006: Shredded "Pre-Bronze FS for Life" Club Membership card!!!
Silver Moves is the next "Mission Impossible"
(Dare I try for Championship Adult Gold someday???)

Thank you for the support, you guys!!!

good thinking!

it sounds kind of like my coach.only my coach says stuff like:
"I'm going to stick a rocket in your butt and light it if you don't start moving faster!"

"your slower than molasses in april!"

"move it! you old grandma"
~cutie

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Great thread

Mine definitly are:
1) The time my coach drew a giant L on my left hand and R on my right so that when she said "ok right foot" I knew which was the right one (this is after about 9 years worth of me getting it wrong)

2) The all time classic. Suze is on the ice right before competition and coach asks
"NOW, what am I going to tell you?"
Suze answers (for about the 50 000th time) "Don't bite my lip, no blood at this competition, SMILE, pull in your arms, chin up, have fun....."
Coaches answer "ok then.......NO BLOOD!"

3) Suze jumps well for a change and coach asks "NOw did that feel different?"
Suze's answer "um no"

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Hurrah for Desert Skaters! YAY for Jeff Buttle and Virtue and Moire!

Here's a few choice quips that I've heard.

1. Regarding my camel spin: "You look like a poodle peeing!"
2. Regarding my toe-pushing: "Nice push beginner-boy!"
3. Regarding my scratching on my toe-picks" "Look, you're an adult so I feel that I can say this to you. Get the F--k off your toe-picks. Thank you."

There are many more but they tend to be a little off-color.

Frank

My in-line coach says when I fall...."I've already swept that part of the floor!"

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Why are you skating so slowly? Get out of my way!

If you skate faster, it makes everything look better!

LOL, yes I have the same 'problem' MOST of her quotes are far too risque or rude for on here. She used to video me and I couldn't always hear the comments until I played the video back .... let's just say that I had to be careful who I watched them in front of!

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The best whisper is a click

(still PML at this thread)

When I do something and think that astonishingly I got it right for once, but can't work out how to repeat the experience, I have asked in all innocence "Wow! What did I do right??" and been rewarded with the answer "Umm, I don't know..."

hhhhhhhm, not actually got any quotes, but have been called a cabbage and a limp piece of lettuce (with particular reference to my back camel) along with many other unprintable things. My coach now is nice tho!

So this tells me where my coach has been getting her remarks.

I usually get things like, "don't fall", very helpful advice there.
"Could you pull in your arms and legs together?" to which I usually reply, NO.
"Might I think about jumping out?" once again NO

"My feet are still attached so I don't need to check on them"
"Look up, there's nothing on the ice I haven't seen"

A few jokes about my height, marveling at my ability to bouce, and laughing about the fact that I have incredibly soft knees whenever I don't need them. You'll never see them in a dance, but you will see them in my back camel.

Of course, my coach is very kind most of the time, and really pretty funny overall.

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I've gotten a few.

"The ice isn't going to melt on you, so look up."

"Your other left"

My coach is actually going to start making me wear 2 different color gloves because I always get my hands confused, especially when I do crossovers or 3 turns, I never remember which arm is in front.

"I'm going to make you start walking with your knees bent so you don't fall over every time you bend them."

"Come on, SQUEEEEEZE your tushy."

"It's ok to put your foot down if you lose your balance. It's not ok to fall on your butt."

"That had to be one of the most graceful falls I've ever seen."

On an upright spin, I had trouble pulling everything in tight to get more revolutions, so I got told to "Squeeze your poo in"...

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My first coach, while trying to get me to stop 2-footing a lutz: "It's a good thing you don't have a third foot, because you'd put that d*** thing down too."

My pairs coach, while we were doing a catch-camel pair spin where we faced into each other a little too much: "That looks like something I've seen in the Joy of Sex, volume II."

my coach's not so sublt jab at me: "Oh for God's sake, will you just land that flip already?"

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Champagne in 2005, 2008, 2009 - who's next out of the pre-bronze club...?

Wang chung!

"Let me pull those feathers out of your shoulder" after opening up early on a double sal attempt.

"Maybe we could get you a detachable left foot" after two-footing yet another axel attempt.

"Don't fall. Falling is bad." from the first pairs coach.

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I need a detachable left foot!

Great thread; I've actually heard a few of those mentioned from former coaches of mine:]

My coach now says:

1) Regarding my axel entrances "You're like an old Pentium computer processing an input command; just keeps thinking and thinking before anything happens" (Is much funnier in his Russian accent)

2) Regarding my overall slowness on the ice "You remind me of a Koala bear" and then he proceeds to mimic the slow languid movements of a Koala climbing a tree:]

He's got lots more; all on a theme of me being too slow!:]

My coach likes to give me either or questions. Like "would you rather drop your right shoulder on the double loop, or keep your shoulders straight?" To which I reply drop the shoulder, of course, because why else would I be doing it?

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lol, my coach always chides me on doing things too fast. Which results in me messing things up. She keeps having to remind me to slow down, so I don't kill myself when I come out of a spin or attempt a flip.