My 10 year old is just not that motivated...oh she SAYS she is, but her actions say otherwise. She is going to be 11 in the summer.

Husband and I have started to take a harder line with her on it because frankly, this sport is TOO expensive to give a half hearted effort. She skates on a synchro team and likes that but she isn't much a freestyle skater.

I think she thinks she should be, because her sister is, but she just isn't and further she doesn't put in (or seem to want to) the time and effort to be good at sychro AND freestlye (her sister DOES).

Right now, she takes one ice dance lesson and two other lessons a week but barely practices. And even when she does supposedly practice- she really doesn't put much into it- stalls, comes off the ice, barely moves, socializes etc.

I'd like to cut back her lessons and tell her synchro only, but being a middle child, she already feels like nothing in her world is fair (not true). IF she shows me she can do the appropriate amount of practice with the appropriate amount of effort, then maybe I'd consider more lessons again.

And today, we had to fight about tying her own skates- she just barely tries, so I let her fuss and moan and whatever and walked away. She is old enough right???

You need to read this post: http://icemom.blogspot.com/2010/04/h...of-figure.html

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-Jessi
What I need is a montage...
Visit my skating journal or my Youtube videos (updated with 2 new videos Sept 26, 2009)

I saw it. It was odd as I was just thinking it the day she posted it!

If I had had my 2 kids walk away from skating when they were going through an adolescent rebellion (or 2or 3), the sport would be short of one incipient judge and evaluator and a top notch LTS assistant, who is now full-bore on to achieve her tests and qualifications, plus one other skater who is now on track to head to Nationals.

The issue you need to determine is WHY your daughter isn't working hard enough - and is that just your perception, or is it your coach's perception as well?

Also, you have regularly posted up your joy and amazement at your younger daughter's achievements. Any sibling rivalry going on? We have two very disparate skaters, and we had a jealousy/resentment/annoyance factor going on due to a VERY mistaken misperception by our older child that her achievements were less important and respected as they were not as "impressive". We sorted that out quite quickly, emphasizing that we do not compare our children and that we celebrate success of all levels.

As a teacher, I see way too many kids quitting sports at this age for a variety of reasons, including peer pressure, parental expectations, puberty, MSN-addiction. That is a problem. Kids who are active and engaged in sports are healthier and tend to be more successful in school and elsewhere. Of my daughter's group, I would say 85% have backed away from sports, and you can see the difference in their lifestyle and general health; yes, some have done this for good and positive reasons, to focus on music or school or volunteering or church, but, some seem to have not replaced their sports with anything that is positive in their lives.

Talk to your kid and ask her why she doesn't want to skate. Make sure that it is a real, solid reason. BTW? One of the reasons my DD wanted to quit was because of guilt over how expensive the sport was, and how her achievements weren't that great (in her eyes) - she wanted us to stop wasting our money on her and spend it more on ourselves and on her "more successful" sibling. Which was interesting to hear ... And the skate tying ... my one kid misses me tying her skates. Because that was our time to chat and socialize and exchange positive "way to go's" before she goes on the ice, i.e. we could be head to head and chatting. The other one ... 'cause of laziness and it was easier to have me tie them ... two different kids, two different reasons.

I know the answers to SOME of this.

Yes, it is also her coaches perception she isn't working hard enough, he and I had a discussion about it the other day. Her words and her actions don't match- she SAYS she wants it, but her actions say otherwise (dawdling, socializing, avoiding working on things that are hard or that she needs to work on). So if I say WHY don't you want to skate, she says I do- but she doesn't ACT like she does if you KWIM.

There may be sibling rivarly, but we have ALWAYS acknowledged and applauded her accomplishments (like the moves tests) and we started her on ice dance lessons as it is clearly better fit for her, but she doesn't practice THAT stuff either.

I agree on the quitting problem and what happens when they don't have a positive outlet, she is at risk for that in my and her dad's opinion which is why we haven't pulled the plug yet.

On the skate tying, I do think for her it is laziness - she doesn't like to tie her own shoes either!

Kid at my rink continues to skate whinily and like that cuz "her parents say she has to do a sport, and at least skating is only 6 months a year"... She actually keeps telling the parents that she likes the skating too... Just saying.

I think that confidence might be the major issue here. I know that a lot of times I have big plans to practice and do this and that, then I get to the rink, something happens, and I become completely intimidated and suddenly all my ambition goes away. I know there are days where it looks like I don't want to be there at all, but that is the complete opposite! Maybe with her sisters accomplishments she feels set-back already and just needs a confidence booster and it may just take awhile to figure out exactly how to deal with the issue. Maybe she should practice with a friend or sister? Run through moves, etc. Have her show her sister some of the beginning dance patterns, etc. If she really is not putting the effort into practice maybe cut her lessons down and then she will be able to motivate/find her own way to become confident so she can get those extra lessons?

Back in the days of disco, I was that ten-year old. As I recall, I never meant to quit skating. I was bored and frustrated with figures, hated how freezing cold I’d get, and felt that they took forever when all I really wanted to do was skate. According to my pre-teen reasoning, I had learned enough to truly enjoy myself when skating recreationally and I would’ve done anything to get out of those figures classes. Obviously, all I needed to stay with figure skating was something new to work on, something novel, something fun. No one ever explained to me the pleasures of deferred gratification or the rewards of setting and accomplishing goals. It didn’t take long for other interests to take over, and, sad to say, I didn’t really figure skate again for decades. When I returned, my skills were pathetic and I had to relearn almost everything. Yet at the same time, those childhood memories of skating kept me motivated to stay with it and work hard. No one was more surprised than my mother, who told me she thought I hated skating because I had quit all those years ago. I said, “No, Mom, it was because I was so tired of being cold!” My point is, this stupid reason seemed like at game changer when I was ten, I told nobody about my discomfort and how it affected my attitude, and people assumed I had just developed a bad attitude out of nowhere.

Your daughter’s experience presents you with a frustrating paradox—you can’t force her to enjoy skating but you don’t want her to quit. As some other posters have pointed out, it is so difficult to know what is on our kids’ minds. Your daughter may not even be able to articulate her ambivalence and probably doesn’t understand it herself. We have an 11 year-old at our rink who started acting similar this year, just going through the motions. After much cajoling, she admitted to me that she was pretty insecure about her skating since she is so fearful of the axel. Worse, this very pretty little girl thinks she’s ugly and goofy. Her off-ice anxieties are clearly affecting her skating, but to the world at large she looks bored and lazy.

I hope you can find a happy resolution to this situation. Keep us posted!

Oh we don't really mind if she quits, we want her to do something, but it doesn't have to be skating.

Would you mind if your younger daughter quit? I'm not asking to be snarky, but I think you may be underestimating the affect of a more motivated/talented younger sibling. I suspect she realizes that you don't mind if she quits but would be disappointed if her sister quit. That alone gives her quite a bit of information on which draw conclusions that may only be logical to an 11 year old! I have two daughters I think about the same ages as yours. The older quit skating after Can Skate (LTS.) She said she didn't like it, but I know it was because she was tired of her younger sister skating circles around her. It is extremely difficult to be the older sibling when the younger one is seen by all (at least in their eyes all) as being more talented / harder working or whatever.

I don't have an answer for you but I do think that cutting down on lessons may be seen by your dd as not valuing her skating as much as her sisters. I also think encouraging her to practice with her sister is a recipe for disaster. She will compare herself to her sister even if you don't. You could look at other activities for her but you will have to be very subtle. Do you have a break in June before your summer skating starts? Could you look into other camps and ask both kids if they would like to try something new for a week or two? Could her coach change things up a bit for her? Perhaps she could work on an interpretive program? She could choose some cool music with lyrics - something her sister doesn't have.

The only other comment I have is that it could just be because she is eleven. My mom swears that eleven is the absolutely worse age for girls. Her hormones are raging, the world hates her, she is ugly, has no friends, you favour everyone over her, her teacher hates her, her hair is a mess, all her friends are more developed than her ..... have I missed anything?

Good luck!

I only have one daughter. She stopped trying & working at it, would come to the rink but spend less than 1/2 hour on the ice. I gave her every opportunity to quit, but she kept coming for another 6 months before finally quitting. She never gave me a good reason why she kept coming all that time. I guess it made life easier for me cos I skated, but it was clear to me she wanted to stop.

If she's just not that into it, I guess your daughter will eventually quit. And hopefully find the thing she shines at. In the meantime, I personally think you have to be patient.

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Katz

Saved by Synchro!
I was over it, now I'm into it again !

momof3chicks, could your older daughter honestly enjoy skating but just be afraid to try harder because of the talent in the younger? If she makes less effort, then she has a reason to be less successful than the younger one. Just an idea...

I was thinking something similar. My daughter will be 12 next month. She seems to enjoy skating but at times will be very insecure about herself and her skating abilities. She will some days come off the ice to tell me the silliest things and seems to hem and haw while she is out there practicing. It frustrates me at times and I sometimes think maybe we need to take a break. However.... then there will be weeks when she doesn't skate for a few days and all she wants to do is to go skating! Based on that alone, I know she does not want to quit. Plus, every now and again, she will hear a song and say: "Oooohh... that would make a good showcase song!" Plus, she tells me she wants to participate in the next comp and can't wait to skate her new program! I think the ages these girls are at can sometimes play into how they think and feel.

Maybe in your case, your middle daughter feels intimidated by her younger sister's success yet she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to tell you that. Is there another activity your middle daughter has shown interest in that would make her realize how special and talented she is too? I am sure you tell her how special she is...but you know kids... they draw their own conclusions!

Could you talk to your daughter and tell her how you are feeling and ask her what she would like to do? Maybe have her put more of a focus on syncro? OR you have said she ia really good at moves. Maybe focus on those instead? There is a skater in my daughter's club who stopped competing(she is 12) and now focuses on moves and participating in the ice shows. She skates twice a week. Just a thought!

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skating mom to 3 angels on earth and 1 in heaven

My daughter went through a phase similar to the one your describing. I call it a "phase" because she's now extremely motivated and ironically, improving everyday. However, during the "phase" it didn't seem like just a phase - almost more like her trying to throw away something she enjoyed because of reasons I still haven't figured out.

During this phase, I would ask her if she wanted to keep skating, if she enjoyed it, if she knew what she wanted to accomplish, etc..... Probably all the same questions you've been asking. We'd fight about the silliest of things, all the while we'd keep going to the rink, repeating the same ill things over and over again. UNTIL......

I took myself out of the situation. I realized I was the one upset because she wasn't practicing hard enough. I realized I was the one upset because she wasn't jumping when I thought she should be jumping, spinning when I thought she should be spinning, and improving when I thought she should be improving.

I started to drop her off and come back when she was done. Most of my time I sat in the car, outside reading books! The entire twilight series to be exact (LOL). when I picked her up I wouldn't ask about skating. I didn't care!!! (okay I cared and wanted so badly to know everything she did, but I refrained). We talked about school, friends, dance (she dances at a studio), TV Shows, etc....Anything except skating. If she brought it up, I'd listen but I wouldn't dwell and I'd continue on with something else. If she told me she landed a jump she'd been working on for awhile, my response was "oh great" and then I'd move on! YES....it was soooooo hard to refrain from being interested but I knew this is what she needed.

I detached myself from her skating so she'd be able to decide if this is what she wanted to do for herself, not for me. With time, it became evident that she wanted to skate for herself. Instead of me showing her instant gratification when she did something well, or showing displeasure when she did something badly (like socializing instead of skating) - she began to own her skating experience. It was up to her to let me in and she did. She began to ask me to watch again, she asked me questions about her skating, and she began once again to really love the sport.

This took the better of 2-3 months but looking back, it was worth every minute!

I was never the "skating parent from hell" but I was too overly involved in her sport. Now, she loves it when I watch her practice. We eventually had a discussion about skating (on a good day - never discuss skating on a bad day, lol) and I told her that she didn't have to ever be the best at anything but I did expect her to give 100% to whatever she does.

I hope this helps a little - if she's really not into the sport, she'll let you know....you can't decide that for her. Yes, it's an expensive sport and yes, a very big black hole. However, in the end, it's all worth it. Oh, and don't forget, Synchro and ice dance are just as important as freestyle. In fact, Synchro is the only discipline that one can receive a college scholarship for. Just because a skater doesn't have the motivation and drive to fling themselves across the ice falling and bruising every inch of their bodies over and over again (insert sarcasm there), doesn't mean they can't be successful in the sport of figure skating.

One more thing.....yes, she's old enough to tie her own skates.

Congratulations. Your daughter has a keeper for a mother!

Maybe give her the choice - "You just don't seem like you like freestyle. Do you want to keep doing it, or take a break and just do synchro?" I wouldn't mention her sister's actions in any capacity, especially if you say she has an issue with fairness.

OT, but LOL, I read this at the arena too, it doesn't require much concentration, but is a good distraction from watching the skating.

Thanks for the post, I'm trying something similar and it's good to find support. I also find it helps to chat with parents that talk about things other than skating.

Thanks Tennisany1! That really means a lot!

This happened a couple of years ago and I think it's the first time I've shared that part of our skating experience with anyone. It's hard to admit the mistakes we make as parents but I'm probably not alone.

I know I've made a lot of mistakes. It's been a learning experience for all of us. The rewards come subtley though. Like when my daughter got in the car the other day and said "it wasn't a good day but not everyday is a good one". Or when she walked over to a little girl a couple of weeks ago and told her she thought she was a hard worker (it definitely made that girls day). Or last summer at a competition when she hung out all day with one of her competitors that she'd just met. Those are the rewards in this sport. Not the ribbons or trophies. If she quits tomorrow and decides to take up ping-pong at least I know the lessons she's learned will transfer because of the person she's become. If she doesn't quit tomorrow and keeps skating maybe, I hope, one day some other skater will remember her as being a nice friend. That's all I want. If that happens, I've done my job!

Oh and for the newer parents to skating - about my word "perspective"; the above paragraph took years to figure out! Getting to that point was riddled with mistakes.

I had a conversation with a mum this morning about this same thing. She's studying for her degree finals at the moment and sits and studies upstairs and her kid comes find her at the agreed time. She was saying how she's not sure what she's going to do after finals as she's spent so long studying down the rink for the last few years.

oh and one more thing.....so as not to come across as a perfect parent....my daughter recently took her novice moves test. From what I had heard - it's a doozie! Anyway, she's still very young and was testing with teenagers that had been skating for years and years. Anyway - I was so stressed out about her not passing and being upset - having a meltdown, etc... I really wanted to just drop her off and pick her up when it was over. Did she pass, yes - she did but more importantly - I handled my stress and nerves very well - I was quite proud of myself for that !!! Not only is she learning...I'm learning too! Up next, competition - at least her program is only 2 + minutes....If I can hold my breath for a novice moves test, her FS program will be a breeze! HAHAHAHA

Yeah, admittedly I would be dissappointed if the younger one quit. But on the other hand, I would be dissappointed if the other quit too, but I wouldn't be mad at her (like she thinks). Really I want her to be happy and LIKE what she is doing.

I agree the age is really hard.

A good idea at that, as she IS a perfectionist and hates to fail. I have been trying to help her have Different by putting her in ice dance.

We have talked about this, and I do think this is where she will end up eventually, but it seems she needs to come to it herself.

Thank you, this does help. I admire your ability to detach like that. I am going to give this some thought. I have been making her tie her skates, and walking away when she makes a big fuss. I think I am going to talk with her coach about this- that it is between him and her, and not me, and see how it goes. I agree about synchro, totally, and have told her that numerous times.

I know what you mean!! dd9 is taking intermediate moves in a few weeks, also one of the younger doing it. I get so nervous for her.