View Full Version : Skater's excuses and sarcasm
Aussie Willy
03-22-2003, 04:42 AM
Just for fun, what are some of the reasons for not skating well or a good mannered insult?
There is always the opportunity to blame the ice or your skates. However my particular favourite sarcastic remark is:
"That spin travelled so far you need a passport for it".
Or the coach comments:
"Gee I don't think I ever mentioned that before!" (in relation to sticking my butt out during (fill in appropriate) dance)
Can't think of any others at the moment so if you have them please pass them on.
KathySkates
03-22-2003, 05:32 AM
Oh I have a great one!
"Split falling leaf! Harumpf! Looks like the whole damn tree fell!"
LOL! My coach is a riot!
skaternum
03-22-2003, 05:59 AM
One from my old coach, after I two-footed a jump:
"It's a good thing you don't have a third foot, because you'd put that d*** thing down too!"
Elsy2
03-22-2003, 08:50 AM
This is going to be a good thread ;)
My favorite......."You're butt is sticking out so far I could use it as a table!"
MissIndigo
03-22-2003, 11:18 AM
"You just did a sourcow!!!" - from my primary coach. That's her term for a salchow that wasn't properly checked. Hee hee, I like it.
"Don't bring your brain out here!!" - from another coach at my rink. She seems to think I think too much! Maybe I do.:oops:
Mrs Redboots
03-22-2003, 01:29 PM
"For a moment there I thought I was watching wrestling on the telly!" Our coach when we'd done a particularly bad Swing Dance.....
Kelli
03-22-2003, 01:43 PM
After doing forward crossrolls from the juv mif test (hadn't had a moves lesson in 5 months). "Well, they're fixable."
Reasons for not skating well? I'm a college student living on campus, and I have a lesson at 7am on Sunday mornings. Do I really need any more of an excuse?
jazzpants
03-22-2003, 02:42 PM
"Do you have any M&M's" from a couple of people, but particularly my coach regarding my clenching my fist when I skate.
"That's it!!! I'm gonna put sticks in your gloves so you won't close your hand!" (Hand clenching again.)
One former FS coach said "If you two foot the landing again, you owe a dollar." I kept doing that and she said "Geez, I probably could afford college for my kids at this rate!!!" :P
Me: "I'm tired!" (as I was able to start a lesson.)
Same former FS Coach: "You're tired!!! Too bad!!!"
A fellow skater regarding a travelling scratch spin: "Don't forget your luggage!!!" :P (She knows who she is if she's reading this!!!)
My arm position on my loop: "What are you? A Harley mama???"
"Did you lose something on the ice???" (on my looking down after coming out of a spin...)
1lutz2klutz
03-22-2003, 04:33 PM
"Is that a sit spin, or is the toilet too cold to sit down on?"
jp1andOnly
03-22-2003, 05:04 PM
For those dreaded camel spins
"oh look...you're peeing on the fire hydrant" :oops:
pinkjellybean
03-22-2003, 05:50 PM
Originally posted by jp1andOnly
For those dreaded camel spins
"oh look...you're peeing on the fire hydrant" :oops:
Hmmm... how many times have I heard that one :)
and when I was learning sit spins and my legs weren't close enough together I was told "they aren't even in the same zip code"
everytime i fall: "You dropped something!" and then there's "How does the ice look?" (for my head being down)
Skatingsarah
03-22-2003, 07:28 PM
Thats funny jp1andonly!
My coach says "looks like your peeing on a fire hydrant" for my laybacks ;)
On my extremly hyper days..
"Kill it before it multiplies!"
While popping a jump with my legs not crossed
"I could drive my car through your legs"
After having a tough first session
"Try to stand up next session... Oh wait you weren't purposly 'trying" to fall."
Reason for not skating well..
"I'm physically handicap from the hips down today"
After warming up single loop, double loop. She says..
"Okay triple"
I say loop??
"No triple bunnyhop!!"
I'll think of some more
Chico
03-22-2003, 07:54 PM
My favorite funny, "This is figure skating NOT male catching, rotate your hips under!"
Chico
Figureskates
03-23-2003, 01:48 AM
This past Thursday..
"When are you going to throw the walker away?"
Aussie Willy
03-23-2003, 06:13 AM
:lol: Thanks everyone for the contributions. Keep them coming.
The one I get when I am trying a back catchfoot spin from a friend:
"You look like a dog cocking it's leg".
Kathyskates - are you trying to emulate Polly Pooperak?
Mrs Redboots
03-23-2003, 07:03 AM
One coach (not ours), last week, while we were having our lesson, yelled at her pupil: "You aren't bringing your feet together! And nor are you, Annabel!" as she spotted me making the same mistake..... And I won't tell you what my husband's coach said about what he does with his arms as he starts his solo dances, as it wouldn't be kind!
KathySkates
03-23-2003, 07:15 AM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Aussie Willy
:lol: Thanks everyone for the contributions. Keep them coming.
The one I get when I am trying a back catchfoot spin from a friend:
"You look like a dog cocking it's leg".
Kathyskates - are you trying to emulate Polly Pooperak? [/QUOTE
I'm not sure! I don't know enough about Polly to be really sure!
Aussie Willy
03-23-2003, 08:36 PM
Kathyskates - the imaginary skater known as Polly Pooperak is well known for her falling tree (as opposed to her falling leaf). She jumps from the barrier and does a bellywhacker on the ice.
"Your shoulders were so far ahead of your hips (on that double) they've already crossed the international date line"
becca
03-23-2003, 11:12 PM
During on off-ice class
me: my elbow is bleeding on the carpet
coach: put a towel under it. this is new carpet
After a particularly bad jump comment from a Russian coach -That looked like an aeroflot landing. Is that figure skating or dance?
KathySkates
03-24-2003, 04:10 PM
Originally posted by Aussie Willy
Kathyskates - the imaginary skater known as Polly Pooperak is well known for her falling tree (as opposed to her falling leaf). She jumps from the barrier and does a bellywhacker on the ice.
LOL Willy! That does sound like me. Although the falling leaf that I did for my coach that time was decent if not spectacular. He just has to have a snide remark!
Figureskates
03-25-2003, 06:02 AM
Coach yesterday during waltz eight practice on the back outside edge..
"Scratch those toepicks one more time and I am going to file those suckers off!"
LWalsh
03-25-2003, 09:00 AM
OK I've got one form this morning during a lesson where i was working on Axels.
"what you're doing is a glorified Waltz jump...without the glory"
jazzpants
03-25-2003, 11:15 AM
Originally posted by Figureskates
Coach yesterday during waltz eight practice on the back outside edge..
"Scratch those toepicks one more time and I am going to file those suckers off!"
That reminds of one my coach gave me when I'm scratching my toe picks while stroking...
"I should put you on hockey skates! Then you won't be so tempted to go on your toe picks." :P
backspin
03-28-2003, 02:43 PM
I have a class of rather rambunctious girls. Once I was going over some things they'd done wrong on an exercise. After I finished w/ the first point they all took off skating to repeat the exercise & I heard myself yelling, "Come back here! I'm not finished yelling at you yet!"
My other favorite is from an off-ice dance coach, yelling at a student in mid-dance: "Stop! Stop right there! I could throw a cat, AND a dog, FIGHTING through your legs & you'd never even know it! Now do it again & keep your legs TOGETHER!!"
Madame Saccoche
03-29-2003, 02:04 PM
Aliens have stolen my axle...really:twisted:
rinsk
03-30-2003, 03:33 PM
"You skated that swing rocker like a butcher." (eastern European coach's way of saying I'm butchering the Westminister Waltz again).
"Your (Romantica helicopter/Westminister mohawk/Rhumba choctaw/whatever else you want to use...) is constipated this morning."
"I can't do (fill in the blank) today 'cause I'm a chicken. See? (flaps arms in chicken-like impersonation as proof)."
"I'm not sticking my butt out. My pants just make it look that way. But don't worry, it doesn't show in my test dress, so why fix anything?"
lilpairsk8ter
04-03-2003, 01:57 PM
My coach makes fun of where i hold my arms beacuse i pair skated with a guy for 4 years who was 5'11 and im 4"8. so im used to holding my arms extremly high to match his so now that im not pairs skating any more my arms look really funny. It literally looks like im trying to fly away.
garyc254
04-03-2003, 04:51 PM
A few I've saved from the past. You may recognize your own here.
on forward crossovers "stop looking around, you're not walking on Broadway"
on axel takeoff "you act as if you're going into space"
on axel landing with toe tapping "you're not in Swan Lake/Nutcracker"
on spiral position(head resting on arm looking sideways) "you're not supposed to fall asleep"
on sitspin (before we changed the arm position) "you look like you're relaxing on a sofa"
just after running into a little girl and going flying "you never been so fast before, why did you have to lose all that speed falling?"
"Split falling leaf? Harumpf! Looks like the whole DAMN tree fell!!"
"WHAT'S THE MATTER YOU? YOU THINK YOU CAN DO JES THIS PART OF THE PATTERN CLEAN, YA? I GONNA KEEL YOU! I GONNA KEEL YOU!!!!!"
"That's ok. I don't expect miracles."
"Let me tell you someting. Vy alvays you running vith such a big speed. You don need to make such a big speed."
"Ha! I can FART higher than that!"
"Hold on, let me get the ulcer medication" (frequent response when I've just demonstrated that I can do something perfectly adequately but can't do it on pattern)
"If you do that again I'll have to beat you with my guards" (usually reponse to the same kind of thing, or when I've gotten something right on like the eight millionth try; now when I do that I race to the boards and grab his guards first).
"You look like a dog on a hydrant" about a scratch spin with the free leg turned in instead of out.
"What, exactly, did you think you were doing there?" (when I messed up my changes of edge)
"I was standing here thinking I don't remember that being in the program before".....when I forgot an entire section of a program.
"I feel like I'm driving a Greyhound bus! Driving the bus, driving the bus, for God's sake SKATE!!"....to an older woman at my rink taking dance lessons
"This is not brain surgery".....said when I have an unexpected blonde moment.
"Sharp heads!! I want to see sharp heads!!".....anyone that has ever skated on a synchronized team has probably heard this.
KathySkates
04-04-2003, 03:17 PM
Originally posted by garyc254
A few I've saved from the past. You may recognize your own here.
"WHAT'S THE MATTER YOU? YOU THINK YOU CAN DO JES THIS PART OF THE PATTERN CLEAN, YA? I GONNA KEEL YOU! I GONNA KEEL YOU!!!!!"
LOL Gary! That's my wonderful Russian dance coach! I had forgotten all about that! Update: I FINALLY learned the dutch waltz and passed the baby dance test. Now he's helping me with the Adult Gold Moves. You should hear the comments when I do what I call the "evil threes"!
LOL. But I love every minute of it!
love2sk8
04-04-2003, 11:12 PM
From russian coach...
You luke like tertul vhen you do seet-speen like zhis. No, cahmelle...BACK STRRRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!
she used to always compare us to animals:( :P
Elsy2
04-05-2003, 07:45 AM
Must be a Russian "thing".....:lol: One Russian coach at our rink was reported to say..."You skate like dead horse!"
mikawendy
04-05-2003, 06:42 PM
Originally posted by lilpairsk8ter
My coach makes fun of where i hold my arms beacuse i pair skated with a guy for 4 years who was 5'11 and im 4"8. so im used to holding my arms extremly high to match his so now that im not pairs skating any more my arms look really funny. It literally looks like im trying to fly away.
At least you have an excuse for why your arms are that way!! Mine are pretty high too, and my instructor laughs at me and says it looks like I'm trying to hold myself up with them. I think it's because when I'm doing something hard, I'm subconsciously afraid of falling and my body must think that if I raise my arms, then I wont' fall (which isn't true, of course...) :D
rinsk
04-05-2003, 09:43 PM
"What are you doing with those arms? Driving a motorcycle?" (scary thing is to get the exact some comment from 2 different coaches...).
On my horrible camel:
"...No, what you're doing is like a glorified arabesque...bring your shoulders down..."
Coach: You're banned from practising your doubles until further notice (or something to that extent).
Us: *shocked silence*
jazzpants
08-27-2003, 07:52 PM
While saying hello to an old skating buddy, primary coach sneaks up behind me and says in his half-serious coach tone: "Jazzpants!!! Less talking, More skating!!!" (He's cracking down on me alright...) :lol:
StarshineXavier
08-27-2003, 11:35 PM
I have a tendency to talk to others when I'm at skating, and the one day my coach came past me and a few others and said to us, "Ladies, this is an arena, not the Russian Tea Room. Please put your cups away and get back to work." I laughed really hard at that one.
TashaKat
08-28-2003, 02:11 AM
"That sit spin was SO fast that I could count every eyelash"
"Your jumps were SO good yesterday, today you look like a whale trying to get out of the sea"
"Take it towards the barrier, I said TAKE IT TOWARDS THE BARRIER ..... THE BARRIER IS THAT BIG WHITE THING AT THE SIDE OF THE RINK"
"You donkey"
"That spin was SO fast that I could hardly see you move"
"Well, yes, there's hope ..... please note that I DIDN'T say that there was potential!"
This is a 'Danielleism' (my 15 year old niece), she hasn't met Madame but I rather suspect that they'd get on well!
"Aunty Lynne, you're disturbing me, either that or you're just disturbed"
dorvalskater1
11-04-2003, 08:41 PM
A few comments that I have used when teaching....There's no money on the ice, (and when they look blank, I reply: Your head is down...look up!).
When the kids are all in the middle or by the boards talking. I skate up and ask why I wasn't invited to the tea party.
When a kid trips on toe picks (and laughs about it or seems ok and needs a laugh) : The line tripped you huh? OR Have a nice trip?
Lol! This is a great thread!
My coach says (on dances)
"Nobody wants to see your b**t"
" OrOr if your legs were any straighter you would be walking on stilts"
Oh and nice one jp1andonly!!
Jess-ka
11-04-2003, 09:04 PM
warming up for a show " i can jump higher then you and I DON'T even have my skates on"
my off ice trainer when i totally baff something "i going to pretend i no see that"
when i used to jump, coach"are you a special olympian?"
me"no"
"then stop jumping like one"
after and attempt a a dble loop " i know i broke(bent at the middle)"
"so drink some glue maybe it fix you"
"you have to pee on the ceiling" my mom trying to help with how i should hold my hips when i dance
"you must to open you legs"
"oh gosh no one has ever said that to me before!!:o" learning some jumpy 3turn move thing with my dance coach for a show
oh gosh there is so much more i used to have the nickname loser b/c i left my skates at another rink...45 minutes away...twice, so when i would fall he would be like "need any help loser"
TashaKat
11-05-2003, 02:40 AM
"Oi, Buddha butt" ...... guess I shouldn't wear shorts in future!
Jess-ka
11-05-2003, 08:26 AM
i remembered some more...
"when you do that could you come up with your back not your butt"
"stop sticking you butt out""but i thought the judges might like a closer look....i think it's pretty"
"i can't help it, it's a ghetto booty, it has a mind of it s own" (in reference to another 'why are you sticking your butt out" my nickname is now GB1...ghettobooty1 b/c we have another ghetto booty at our rink and she is GB2 lol:lol: )
Tapper
11-05-2003, 09:50 AM
This is probably the funniest series of posts I've ever read. Though I'm not a skater, I can relate to the situation of the hapless being at the mercy of the witty coach. :lol: I think a collection like this would make a great little book... something like a "Chicken Soup for the Coached."
Also, it's a great educational tool. In a very humorous way you reveal the trememdous amount of work it takes to become a figure skater... even just to remember to uncleanch the fist.
It's also fun to hear from the coaches who find themselves suddenly amazed and amused by the stuff that comes out of their mouths.
Well, you all have great spirit and wonderful resilience! And great senses of humor!
icyboid
11-05-2003, 10:02 PM
These are priceless.:lol:
I remember I had a bad tendency to leave my legs loose and bent in the air, so my coach would say:
"You're not Tony Hawk!" or "Pretend you have to pee!"
She also hates cheated jumps, so she'd say:
"TARABLE! TARABLE!"
in response to my tendency to pre-rotate about 1/2 turn and pretty much take off forward on a toepick during a salchow.
Or in preparation for an outside Ina Bauer:
"Ok, this time pretend that there's a limbo bar heading toward you at 60 mph and will knock your block off if you don't bend back!"
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