Testing opinions needed

[ibreakhearts66]

Here's the situation. A while ago, probably back in December, I submitted my papers to test novice moves on March 12 and Intermediate free on March 20th. At the time, those were VERY reasonable goals.

But a lot has changed since then. For starters, school has started again. That by itself is pretty draining. I'm also struggling quite badly with depression and, as a classic depression symptom, I just don't have the motivation to do the things I used to love. I can still feel the passion in there somewhere, but it can't overpower the apathy.

So here's the issue. I have only skated a few times in the past few weeks and would obviously not be ready to take these tests if I only skate twice between now and then. Part of me thinks I should just pull the papers already and give up.

Of course, though, there's still that competitive instinct, the drive that's telling me I HAVE to try. I know I'll be furious with myself if I pull my papers but I just don't know if I have it in me physically or emotionally to commit to the practice.

Taking into consideration the circumstances, what do you guys think? Take the easy way out and not go for the tests or try to drag myself to the rink even though I'm seriously lacking in motivation? It's too late to get my fees back (although I suppose depression IS an illness and might make me eligible for a refund with doctor's proof). I guess when typed out, it looks like the obvious thing to do would be to TRY to skate, but it's just not something I FEEL like doing right now. At the same time, I figure once I come out of this depression, which I WILL...I hope, I WILL care about skating again and I will really have done myself a service if I pass the tests.

For what it's worth, I do think it is POSSIBLE to get my moves to pass IF I can find the motivation necessary to really train. The biggest problem with my FS would be stamina, but seeing as how I just more or less committed to spending an hour and a half running the track twice a week with a soccer friend coming back from an ACL injury as well as possibly actually playing soccer, I think I can get my stamina back pretty quickly as long as I get myself to skate.

Those of you who have suffered from depression can probably better understand why there's a dilemma at all. For those of you who haven't, I just want to explain that my lack of practice doesn't stem from laziness or even from poor time management with regards to school, but from an internal black hole that sucks away all of my passion, motivation and energy.

[Isk8NYC]

1. Go to the doctor

You'd need to get a note from the doctor saying that you're too ill to take the test. You'd have to actually GO to the doctor to get the note since you're not undergoing treatment currently AFAIK. I don't know if s/he'd write the cause as "depression" on the note, but it's a pretty good idea to see a doctor anyway if you're struggling with depression. Whether or not you want to reveal that to the skating club is up to you. Most people would not hand in a note with a diagnosis like that, just saying.

2. Go to the Rink

Get a friend/relative to bring a video camera to the rink or just set up a tripod rinkside (with permission) to record your running through the moves and freeskate test.

If nothing else, you'll get some much-needed exercise, which is good for depression and your body/mind.

3. Evaluate your skating

If your moves look really crappy, take the medical excuse route.
If your freeskate elements are failing, take the medical excuse route.

If your skating is iffy, send a copy of the video to your coach and get his/her opinion.
You can decide together about which test(s) to proceed with and which to bail on.
You might be able to pull off the moves test if you were close on them before you cutback on skating.
The freestyle will be more difficult.

4. Get into a routine

Get in the habit of sleeping the same hours each day. Eat properly.

Exercise every day, even if you can't get to the rink, go for a short walk. It just takes 20 minutes a day - you can carve that out of your schedule. Do an exercise video. Run the stairs to/from classes.

Get to the rink - try to find sessions that work, even if it means taking your school books and working at a snack bar table in between sessions. Spending a long day at the rink helps build endurance and morale better than an in-and-out 30 minute freestyle.

[IceSk8r725]

I completely understand where you are coming form. I have suffered from depression for many years, and in the past few years was shocked when I couldn't muster up the energy to skate. Even while on medication, some days I still have some symptoms sneak up unexpectedly. I think, that if you think you will have the stamina, and any chance at passing that you should try to train your best and take the tests. Especially since you already feel that may be the best thing to do- why not go for it? Sometimes forcing yourself to get to the rink one day will actually help you feel better, as I know from experience. You could try to get a doctors note depending on how comfortable you are with sharing your diagnosis. I had a difficult time even writing anonymously on this board that I suffer from depression, so I might be very different from you! Good luck with whatever you decide!

[RachelSk8er]

I second the get to a doctor/counselor suggestion, that's first and foremost most important.

If you can scratch your tests without losing the money you paid for them, and you feel that's best, do it. If scratching means you forefit the test fees you've paid (all clubs have different rules about this), you might as well go out and try. Sometimes you can surprise yourself and skate well when you have no pressure or expectation to pass.

[sk8lady]

If you have not been to a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, to have your depression diagnosed and treated, you should do it TOMORROW. First thing. Clinical depression is an illness and medication will help you.

If you can MAKE yourself go to the rink and start practicing you should do it. Not only will the exercise physically make you feel better, the less time you spend sitting around letting the wheels in your head turn and make you feel worse the better off you will be.

If you start feeling down about your skating abilities, remind yourself that it's probably because of your depression.

Good luck.

[LilJen]

I, too, have had bouts of depression over the years, and it is a nasty, mean illness that saps all your joy and interest in everything.

I agree with everyone else who says, regardless of the decision you make about skating, GO TO THE DOCTOR. Or a counselor, or a therapist, or whatever. Find someone who can help you. It's the hardest thing to do when you haven't the physical or mental energy to even pick up the phone or ask a friend for a recommendation, but it is so important to get the help you need and not just drown in depression and let it zap you.

If you do decide to go through with the testing, is there someone at the rink who could come skating with you, or who could call you each day to say, "hey, did you practice" and who would follow up? Kind of a gentle "tough love" person/encourager who will help you meet the goals you set back in December, even when you feel like crap? That might help.

[ibreakhearts66]

Thank you all for the opinions.

I just want to start by saying I AM seeing a psychiatrist and doing therapy. It's just not particularly helping...yet.

And also thanks to you that suggested that listing depression on the doctor's note might not be the best idea. Honestly, it hadn't really crossed my mind as I've grown up in an environment where mental illness is not taboo. I certainly have other ailments/illnesses that are absolutely valid reasons to withdraw from the tests, should I decide to do so.

I made it to the rink today and talked to my coaches. We've decided (they both know my situation) to just play it by ear and see A) if I am able to get myself to the rink and B) if that amount of practice will suffice.

Thanks again for the kind words and advice!

[Kat12]

Good luck!

How do you feel when you DO go to practice? Do you feel better, or worse? I know sometimes when you're down, forcing yourself to get out of the house just makes you feel better. And some people feel better after exercise as well (I'm not really one of them, but my partner is. In fact I just packed him off to the gym as he was in a funk tonight).

If you know it's made you feel better in the past, then making yourself go even when you don't want to might be a good idea. If it makes you feel worse... that's another story altogether.

[Mrs Redboots]

Depression is a horrid illness; I suffered from it for many years. Look after yourself, and do try to go to the rink when you can - make an appointment to meet a friend there, if you haven't got a lesson. Only you and your coach can decide about the tests, though - it's a matter of weighing whether not passing would make things worse, or whether having that deadline would help you go and work on them! Don't forget, the exercise in itself will help you feel better, the way it always does.

I do hope you get well soon. Depression really mings, as the young say!

[doubletoe]

For me, the big question would be this: How would you feel if you took the test and did poorly? Would that make your depression worse? If so, then hold off until you feel more ready.

On the other hand, if doing poorly on the test would *not* depress you further, then I think you should go for it because you've already paid for it and it would at least give you valuable feedback. That specific feedback might get you more focused on getting your elements to passing level.

Either way, (((BIG HUG)))! Hope to see you on the ice sometime soon. :)

[kayskate]

I second doubletoes' advice. Think about how you feel. If you don't feel like testing, maybe you shouldn't esp if you don't feel up to it. Sometimes just going to a cold rink to practice is depressing. Listen to your body. It sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to test b/c you have paid for it. If you hadn't paid, would you want to test? You have a lot going on w school and therapy. Maybe if you want to skate just to see how you're doing go to the rink. See how you feel after you skate. Are you depressed b/c your performance isn't what you want or what it usually is b/c of your situation or do you feel encouraged? Only you can self-evaluate. You might discuss this situation w your counselor. BTW, depression meds can take 3+ wks to start helping your condition.

Kay

[ibreakhearts66]

For me, the big question would be this: How would you feel if you took the test and did poorly? Would that make your depression worse? If so, then hold off until you feel more ready.

On the other hand, if doing poorly on the test would *not* depress you further, then I think you should go for it because you've already paid for it and it would at least give you valuable feedback. That specific feedback might get you more focused on getting your elements to passing level.

Either way, (((BIG HUG)))! Hope to see you on the ice sometime soon. :)

I don't think I would be particularly disappointed if I failed the test, especially considering the situation, but I also would not want to go out and completely screw up every move, you know? So doing poorly in terms of not passing wouldn't really upset me (I don't think, at least), but skating so badly that I feel like an idiot might. I'm hoping that I can practice in the next few days under normal circumstances (ie, not sleep deprived, already exhausted/sore from ballet and over-caffeinated) to get some sort of idea of where I'm at.

I second doubletoes' advice. Think about how you feel. If you don't feel like testing, maybe you shouldn't esp if you don't feel up to it. Sometimes just going to a cold rink to practice is depressing. Listen to your body. It sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to test b/c you have paid for it. If you hadn't paid, would you want to test? You have a lot going on w school and therapy. Maybe if you want to skate just to see how you're doing go to the rink. See how you feel after you skate. Are you depressed b/c your performance isn't what you want or what it usually is b/c of your situation or do you feel encouraged? Only you can self-evaluate. You might discuss this situation w your counselor. BTW, depression meds can take 3+ wks to start helping your condition.

Kay

Thanks, those are definitely things for me to consider. Right now I'm definitely putting pressure on myself because I already paid. However, I know that testing just so that I don't feel like I'm wasting my money is NOT worth pushing myself to mental and physical exhaustion. I generally feel pretty good after I skate, but it's hard to remember that good feeling when I'm tired, sore, overwhelmed, whatever.

I'm going to wait until I can have a "normal" practice before I decide. Hopefully I CAN have one of those soon! And my normal, I just mean the shape I'm in before I skate, instead of skating after an hour and a half of class, another hour and a half of ballet and no food :frus:

[ibreakhearts66]

I decided to cancel my tests and hang up my skates for now. My heart just isn't in it. Thanks for all of the support, guys.

[LilJen]

Hang in there and take VERY good care of yourself. ((hugs))

[Mrs Redboots]

**Sends hugs and chocolate**. You'll be back - six weeks, six months, six years from now, who knows? The ice will still be there.