Advice needed about talking to coach

[Deb in Oz]

Hi All,

I'm after some advice on how to talk to my coach as I am not happy with how things are going. I have been with her nearly a year now, and find her disorganised (not knowing where we are up to or where we're going!). I feel I am not progressing at all and am losing my once terrific motivation. I feel talked down to and discouraged (I am middle aged, not a 12 year old!) Things have become particularly difficult since I changed from figures to dance as this is not her main area of expertise. I have been doing the Dutch waltz for weeks!

I feel I should change coaches but as we are a small club this would be awkward. I would see her at every practice.... She is a nice lady - I don't want to offend her or deal unfairly either. Any ideas?

[dbny]

This is really a tough one. IMO, you should get away from her as fast as possible, primarily because of her making you feel talked down to. That has happened to me, and it really sapped my confidence. The longer you put it off, the more dissatisfied you will become, and the harder it will be to make the break. The repercussions will also be worse. If you can switch to a dance specialist, you could put that as your entire motivation, and it would help her save face. Especially if it's someone who can partner you. Be sure to tell her how much you value the time you've spent with her... pile on the compliments, but don't be insincere. I also had to be around my old coach constantly after firing her, and I know it helped that I was able to tell her how much I really did appreciate her guidance in the years I was with her.

[katz in boots]

If you can switch to a dance specialist, you could put that as your entire motivation, and it would help her save face. Especially if it's someone who can partner you. Be sure to tell her how much you value the time you've spent with her... pile on the compliments, but don't be insincere. I also had to be around my old coach constantly after firing her, and I know it helped that I was able to tell her how much I really did appreciate her guidance in the years I was with her.

ITA with dbny. It is hard at the smaller skating communities where you see the person all the time. Switching to a dance specialist would be a face-saving way for you & current coach.

Otherwise I suggest you come up with something which is at least 1/2 way honest so that she gets some feedback about her coaching. It's okay to appreciate all that has been done, but also to let her know you feel it's time for a different approach.

[phoenix]

ITA w/ the others---though I feel I should warn you that it's not unusual to spend weeks & weeks on each dance---as long as you're getting feedback on corrections, which maybe you aren't. But dance is very particular & detail oriented, & we do spend endless hours perfecting things.

[herniated]

ITA w/ the others---though I feel I should warn you that it's not unusual to spend weeks & weeks on each dance---as long as you're getting feedback on corrections, which maybe you aren't. But dance is very particular & detail oriented, & we do spend endless hours perfecting things.

I agree also on how to 'break up' with your coach. And with phoenix regarding the time spent on the dances.

[teresa]

From personal experience it is not good to work with someone who makes you feel bad. I loved skating when I started with this coach and almost quit when I finally changed. My self worth as a skater was in pretty poor shape and it took a long time to find it again. Don't let this happen to you. Changing coaches in a small rink is hard. Been there. Be kind to the old and always be polite but move on. Switching coaches happen, just handle it well. If you want a dance coach instead of freestyle this is a great opening. Skating should be fun, it's for you and you need to make the journey positive. Good luck!

teresa

[sk8ryellow]

I haven't had this problem before but I see it as you are paying for her to teach you not to be disorganized and not positive. Why keep wasting your money becuase your afraid to talk to her. Thats like throwing your money down the toilet.

[dbny]

I haven't had this problem before but I see it as you are paying for her to teach you not to be disorganized and not positive. Why keep wasting your money becuase your afraid to talk to her. Thats like throwing your money down the toilet.

The OP does have an excellent point, however, in that she will constantly be thrown into contact with this coach at the rink. If she does not manage to leave on good terms, there is no telling how uncomfortable she might feel at the rink in the future. People do talk! After I left my coach, I found that she was talking about what had happened to other coaches. Fortunately for me, according to the grapevine, she only made herself look bad.

[teresa]

Yep, folks do talk. Be honest with a new coach but keep things to yourself otherwise. Seriously, is it anyone elses business? Over time the truth usually comes to light in one way or another. I was asked at first, people are curious. but I just said it was between me and my old coach. You have to love skating more than the discomfort that will occur for a while. My experience is that it gets easier over time.

teresa

[katz in boots]

Yep, folks do talk. Be honest with a new coach but keep things to yourself otherwise. Seriously, is it anyone elses business? Over time the truth usually comes to light in one way or another. I was asked at first, people are curious. but I just said it was between me and my old coach. You have to love skating more than the discomfort that will occur for a while. My experience is that it gets easier over time.

teresa

I am wondering what happens after you've changed. Inevitably at a smaller rink (but probably at larger ones too), people are going to ask why you changed. People want to know, especially if they value your opinion. Are you meant to just keep it to yourself, gloss over any answer without sayin anything? Share it only with closest, trusted individuals? Or be open & honest? Very tricky, I imagine.

[Skittl1321]

This is such a silly way to avoid conflict, but is there a session you can skate on that you know you she can't coach on? Then avoid your normal session for 3 or 4 months while you get established with your new coach. A "work schedule" change is unavoidable and not personal....

[doubletoe]

The fact that your focus has changed to dance should provide you with a good enough excuse to switch to a coach whose main field of expertise is dance. Another thing you can do is to do half figures, half dance for awhile, staying with your current coach for figures, but getting a new coach for dance. Then phase out the figures coach.

[teresa]

katz in boots,

People did ask why I changed. I made the choice not to share. The coach student relationship is unique and special and built upon trust. I felt that I needed to be respectful of the relationship and keep our differences to myself. I also felt that because we share the ice often that we needed to treat each other with respect. I was honest with both my old as well as new coach. Everyone else didn't neet the information. And, to be honest, a few parents and skaters who are at the rink often knew, "They talked without me saying a word." Occasionally I heard untrue statements and I just said, "I saw things differently." Usually these were parents of my old coach. Obviously my coach shared feelings. Hurt sorta, but I just let it go. I tried to remind myself that they were upset.

Teresa

[Deb in Oz]

Hmmm. Thanks for all the advice. I have begun by cutting back my lesson time, as I need to save some $$, and will be on the hunt for a dance/alternative coach at another session. The bonus is that there are more adult skaters at this other session, and as I am one of only 3 skaters over 25 in my current one, I think she will understand when I eventually make a permanent switch away.

Deb

[kayskate]

Changing focus to dance is a good enough reason. I did this myself once. I actually switched rinks at the time too. I hated to leave my FS coach, but the rink did not offer a session anymore that worked for me and I had hit the glass ceiling as far as jumps were concerned.

In another instance, I was working w a coach on FS and wanted to test MITF. She recommended I work w someone else for MITF b/c it was not her area. She was an older coach who never tested moves herself and was not teaching them. So some coaches will actually make the recommendation if they feel they are out of their element w what you want to learn.

Kay

[jskater49]

ITA w/ the others---though I feel I should warn you that it's not unusual to spend weeks & weeks on each dance---as long as you're getting feedback on corrections, which maybe you aren't. But dance is very particular & detail oriented, & we do spend endless hours perfecting things.

Yea but you shouldn't have to spend weeks and weeks on ONLY that dance - you can work on other dances.

j

[Deb in Oz]

Yes, I understand that it can take weeks to perfect a dance, and my coach pulls me up on lots of things (which I know need work). One frustrating aspect is that she has been "going to get the music" for a couple of months now.... I would really like to have a couple of dances going, just for interest, as well as a few of the basic steps (other than cross-rolls and 3 turns!). She tells me she will do this, but so far hasn't come through. I feel I'm getting nowhere.
Deb

[jskater49]

Yes, I understand that it can take weeks to perfect a dance, and my coach pulls me up on lots of things (which I know need work). One frustrating aspect is that she has been "going to get the music" for a couple of months now.... I would really like to have a couple of dances going, just for interest, as well as a few of the basic steps (other than cross-rolls and 3 turns!). She tells me she will do this, but so far hasn't come through. I feel I'm getting nowhere.
Deb

You are working on 3 turns for dance and you are only doing the Dutch Waltz? - there is no 3 turn in dance until the Willow Waltz I believe...You should be working on Swing Rolls, chasses, progressives and mohawks.

[dbny]

I am wondering what happens after you've changed. Inevitably at a smaller rink (but probably at larger ones too), people are going to ask why you changed. People want to know, especially if they value your opinion. Are you meant to just keep it to yourself, gloss over any answer without sayin anything? Share it only with closest, trusted individuals? Or be open & honest? Very tricky, I imagine.

When I left my old coach, I didn't find another coach for a year and a half. It was a traumatic break and there wasn't anyone at the same rink that I felt comfortable with who also had the time. I also wasn't sure for a long time what I wanted in a coach at that point. If anyone asked, I simply said that I wasn't taking lessons for the time being. I had only told one person at that rink what had really happened (called her in tears and hysterical), and I know she told one or two other coaches, because of a comment one of them made to me (a good, kind comment).

(replying to Deb in Oz)You are working on 3 turns for dance and you are only doing the Dutch Waltz? - there is no 3 turn in dance until the Willow Waltz I believe...You should be working on Swing Rolls, chasses, progressives and mohawks.

ITA.

[Lsk8]

I feel I should change coaches but as we are a small club this would be awkward. I would see her at every practice.... She is a nice lady - I don't want to offend her or deal unfairly either.

One frustrating aspect is that she has been "going to get the music" for a couple of months now.... She tells me she will do this, but so far hasn't come through. I feel I'm getting nowhere.
Deb

This sounds very familiar. I thought about changing coaches for quite a while (more than a year). I had lots of reasons to not change--"we've worked to gether for so long" "I appreciate all she has taught me" "it is more convinient to keep this coach than change (which would involve traveling about an hour away for the lessons), the costs would go up if I change, yada yada. And of course I wanted to avoid something which I felt could be confrontational.

But, I was not progressing, and though I had passed the silver MIF and definitely made it known that my goal was to pass the gold test, she had yet to look in the book at what the gold moves were. What made me take the move was that our club had a group class with an excellent coach and I know immediately I would learn a lot from that coach. So finally I took the giant step--I do not regret it AT ALL!!. Though I do have to travel and my lessons do cost more, it is worth it. I have progressed a lot. I'll take my gold MIF test this summer and my jumps and spins have improved also. I wish I had changed a year (or more) earlier.

Fortunately, I still have a friendly relationship with my former coach, who I see at the rink regularly (and we both teach at the club LTS program). You can maintain a friendly relationship also, just say hello at the rink and "good to see you" or whatever. You are not the first student to move on to a new coach, she can handle it. (If she can't handle it that speaks volumes also)

You need to decide what will most help you meet your skating goals. that is what really counts.

My advice--just do it. --Linda

[Deb in Oz]

Thanks, you're all so supportive! I feel more confident about making the move now...