Easily frustrated- what can I do?

[momof3chicks]

My 9 yo dd took skating up again after a year or more hiatus. In this time, her 8 year old sister has become quite the skating dynamo- she is working on her axel and starting doubles.

The 9 yo whines and fusses alot during practice time, does not want to practice any old skills, and stomps, pouts and cries when it is not easy. She is learning FS 3 skills so alot of time it isn't easy. She is also preparing for pre-pre MIF.

She skates on a beginner synchro team and really likes that, but she does have to keep building her individual skills- she wants to skate on her sisters team next season which will be at least preliminary, but most likely pre-juvenile and possibly even juvenile.

The daily fussing is driving me crazy considering the money being expended. Suggestions? Or maybe skating just isn't for her! I don't care if she skates, she SAYS she wants to, but she seems miserable (except in team practice)

[herniated]

I feel your pain. I am a mom but my DS does not skate, he does other sports. And there have been times when he has had to stop playing because of lack of interest. For example he was in karate and he liked the idea of earning the new belts but He hated class. There was a LOT of time per week invested in this and money but he barely went through the motions in class. So.. he stopped. Basically I stopped it. He wound playing baseball instead and loved it.

If it were my child I'd explain that if she wants to advance to be on her sister's synchro team then she has to practice her skills - New AND old ones. And sometimes learning new things is HARD and more effort is needed. Of course I'd explain in a way a child could understand. I could not handle the crying and stomping stuff. I'd probably take her off the ice bring her to a quiet location in the rink (so as not to publicly humiliate her) and lay it on the line. Basically if she did not stop the crying and stomping there will be NO more skating - at all. You are spending a lot of money and time to make your child happy and she is not appreciating it at all.

On the other hand maybe let her continue with the beginner synchro.. and when she sees the other children move up she may realize that she has to put in the work or maybe she'll lose interest. The choice is really up to You!! She obviously does not want to work on the hard stuff. But this could be a good life lesson for you to work with her on. That anything that we get in life that's good, a promotion at work or a raise or medals in a competition take work and effort and sometimes it's not fun.

Sorry if I seem to be up on a soap box. So, sorry but this is a big thing that I've been working hard to instill in my child.. that you don't get anything for nothing. Believe me I make my mistakes with him.

Hope this helps. Please, I hope I didn't insult you.

[Clarice]

Gosh, this is tough. I don't suppose any of us will have any magic answers for you. I remember when my daughter went through a stage like this.

Try not to engage when she's whining or complaining. Have a book or knitting or something to absorb your attention; answer her if she talks to you, but in a noncommittal sort of way - don't get drawn into arguing or cajoling if you can help it. She'll learn the skills or she won't. If she wants to be on the higher level team badly enough, she'll do what's necessary. Try not to think of the money spent as being "wasted" if she isn't practicing the way she should on a given day. She's learning how to deal with frustration, and that's a valuable thing, too.

Of course, you don't have to keep spending and spending if she's obviously not progressing. That's the time to have a meeting with your skater and the coach to discuss goals, and whether she should take another "break".

If she doesn't figure out how to handle the frustration and learn the skills, she won't make the more advanced team and she'll learn a life lesson. It might be "if I don't work, I don't get the results I want", and it might be "I really don't like skating enough to work at it; I think I'll try something else". Whatever it is, it will be valuable.

Good luck to you!

[dbny]

ITA with the other posters. Can you lay out a practice plan for her, or maybe ask her coach to do it? If she has a specific plan to follow it may make it easier to practice old skills, the more difficult FS 3 elements, and the Pre-preliminary MIF.

[jskater49]

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The 9 yo whines and fusses alot during practice time, does not want to practice any old skills, and stomps, pouts and cries when it is not easy. She is learning FS 3 skills so alot of time it isn't easy. She is also preparing for pre-pre MIF.



When my daughter behaved like that I told her it was time to get off the ice. It worked when she was 11. It worked when she was 17.

Joelle

[CoachPA]

If it were my child I'd explain that if she wants to advance to be on her sister's synchro team then she has to practice her skills - New AND old ones. And sometimes learning new things is HARD and more effort is needed. Of course I'd explain in a way a child could understand.

Can you perhaps sit down with her and the synchro coach and have the coach explain this? It may mean more to your daughter if the coach, who is ultimately making the decision as to whether your daughter moves up to a higher level team, tells her this. Maybe hearing the consequences of not practicing and the benefits of working hard straight from the coach will affect her motivation.

Also, is it possible to set some one-on-one time up with the synchro coach and your daughter? I've done this a few times with our synchro skaters to reinforce techniques, go over footwork steps, practice individual elements (like back lunges, twizzles, etc.).

When my daughter behaved like that I told her it was time to get off the ice. It worked when she was 11. It worked when she was 17.

Exactly. This must be a common issue for 9 year olds, as I have been experiencing this with one naturally talented little girl I work with.

She recently began to learn her Pre-Juvenile MIF and on the first day was not grasping the five-step mohawk sequence. Long story short, the last ten minutes of her lesson were spent cryng, pouting, stomping, and whining. I let her try to calm down several times, but it was impossible to get anything through to her because she was so upset. Needless to say, her lesson was so unproductive that I finally said that we were done for the day, which was the best thing I could have done for her since she loves to skate and have lessons. At that point she saw that acting out like that equals no lessons that day.

I got off the ice and explained to her mother (who finds this type of behavior, especially on the ice, unacceptable). When the mother asked her daughter why she was acting like that, her daughter said that she was just frustrated. Still, kids need to learn that this type of behavior is not okay and that there are other ways to handle frustration.

Before ending this girl's lesson, I explained to her that she was the only kid on the ice acting that way. I also told her that now that she was on her "big girl" moves (Pre-Juv), she could no longer act this way. She just looked at me totally shocked. (She's the youngest of four girls, all of whom skate, so she's used to be catered to as the "baby" of the family.)

Our next lesson, I started off by telling her that we were not going to have tears and pout, but rather take our time and work through things productively. I told her that frustration is common, but that she had to remember that she was just learning the moves, so she doesn't have to do everything perfect the first time, which is what frustrated her to begin with. She just nodded, but I haven't had an issue with this type of behavior since putting my foot down.

[momof3chicks]

Can you perhaps sit down with her and the synchro coach and have the coach explain this? It may mean more to your daughter if the coach, who is ultimately making the decision as to whether your daughter moves up to a higher level team, tells her this. Maybe hearing the consequences of not practicing and the benefits of working hard straight from the coach will affect her motivation.

Also, is it possible to set some one-on-one time up with the synchro coach and your daughter? I've done this a few times with our synchro skaters to reinforce techniques, go over footwork steps, practice individual elements (like back lunges, twizzles, etc.).





Exactly. This must be a common issue for 9 year olds, as I have been experiencing this with one naturally talented little girl I work with.

She recently began to learn her Pre-Juvenile MIF and on the first day was not grasping the five-step mohawk sequence. Long story short, the last ten minutes of her lesson were spent cryng, pouting, stomping, and whining. I let her try to calm down several times, but it was impossible to get anything through to her because she was so upset. Needless to say, her lesson was so unproductive that I finally said that we were done for the day, which was the best thing I could have done for her since she loves to skate and have lessons. At that point she saw that acting out like that equals no lessons that day.

I got off the ice and explained to her mother (who finds this type of behavior, especially on the ice, unacceptable). When the mother asked her daughter why she was acting like that, her daughter said that she was just frustrated. Still, kids need to learn that this type of behavior is not okay and that there are other ways to handle frustration.

Before ending this girl's lesson, I explained to her that she was the only kid on the ice acting that way. I also told her that now that she was on her "big girl" moves (Pre-Juv), she could no longer act this way. She just looked at me totally shocked. (She's the youngest of four girls, all of whom skate, so she's used to be catered to as the "baby" of the family.)

Our next lesson, I started off by telling her that we were not going to have tears and pout, but rather take our time and work through things productively. I told her that frustration is common, but that she had to remember that she was just learning the moves, so she doesn't have to do everything perfect the first time, which is what frustrated her to begin with. She just nodded, but I haven't had an issue with this type of behavior since putting my foot down.

I can see my 9 yo doing that as well. My 8 yo is working on the pre-juv MIFs and though she sometimes struggles, never gets that upset about it- must be a personality thing i guess.

Her private coach is the synchro coach- but I agree that a discussion between the two (perhaps off the ice) is in order.

THANKS

[AgnesNitt]

I am not a parent or a skating coach, however, I spent many years in the military training people in complex tasks. What Clarice recommends :

Try not to engage when she's whining or complaining. Have a book or knitting or something to absorb your attention; answer her if she talks to you, but in a noncommittal sort of way - don't get drawn into arguing or cajoling if you can help it.

is an excellent technique. To put it in the words of behavior modification, "Never reinforce a behavior of which you disapprove". Positive reinforcement--paying attention to them--reinforces the behavior. Negative reinforcement (for example taking a child off the ice and going home, getting angry) can reinforce the behavior because at least you're paying attention to the child which may be what they want. You want to not reinforce the behavior either way by blanking it out. Time and time again I've used this 'blanking' technique on adults. When they sulk or whine I just stand there, my face perfectly polite, yet perfectly blank, uninterested in their complaints. I just let it wash over me, then we move on. It really works. It may take a few go rounds but you can fade the behavior easily if you're willing to hold on to your calm.

The best book on behavior modification I ever used as a trainer is "Don't Shoot The Dog." (Misleading title) I recommend it for every parent or coach.

[jskater49]

I am not a parent or a skating coach, however, I spent many years in the military training people in complex tasks. What Clarice recommends :


is an excellent technique. To put it in the words of behavior modification, "Never reinforce a behavior of which you disapprove". Positive reinforcement--paying attention to them--reinforces the behavior. Negative reinforcement (for example taking a child off the ice and going home, getting angry) can reinforce the behavior because at least you're paying attention to the child which may be what they want..

Yea that works too...but I want to say that my way of telling her it was time to get off the ice was not angry, it did not reinforce negative behavior...I would simply say "If you are getting upset, it's time to get off the ice" There was no scene. I wasn't angry, in fact, most of the time I was actually sympathetic and was telling her that if she was upset, no one was having fun, she wasn't getting anywhere and it was time to stop. I never dragged her off the ice. It was always her choice. But she only had two choices, get off or go back to work. Continuing to whine was not an option. Occasionally she would stop skating but mostly she would just sigh and go back to work.

j

[katz in boots]

My 9 yo dd took skating up again after a year or more hiatus. In this time, her 8 year old sister has become quite the skating dynamo- she is working on her axel and starting doubles.

you know, I wonder whether this is the most important part of the problem.

Imagine coming back after a year off to find your little sister had surpassed you. Little sisters aren't meant to be better at things than you. You can tell yourself that you can catch up, but then you try something and it's hard, you don't get it straight away, and you get scared that you might not be able to get it. Which will make you look even worse than little sister.

Of course you don't want to be seen practising the old, lower-level skills, you want to be seen as equal to little sister. And of course you want to be in her synchro team, cos that means you are equal to her. And it isn't working, you so you get scared you can't get as good as her. You don't want to quit cos everyone will think it's cos little sister is better. You get upset with yourself, and that translates to petulant behaviour on the ice. And no-one understands cos you can't admit this to anyone, so no-one can help you.

I may be way off beam here, it's just a thought....

[kayskate]

you know, I wonder whether this is the most important part of the problem.

Imagine coming back after a year off to find your little sister had surpassed you.

This is a really good point. Sounds like keeping up w sis is the reason the older girl may want to keep skating but not practicing old skills. It also sounds to me like skating is just not her thing. She "wants" to do it b/c sis is doing it. Doesn't seem she especially likes it or has much talent for it.

She needs to find something that she does like where she can excel as her own person rather than in competition w her sister.

I have taught kids who are not particularly committed to skating, though some may claim to "like it". They become easily frustrated, whine and complain. I presently have one student who does not want to do anything but swizzle b/c she is very good at swizzles. When I try to show her something else, she says she can't do it; although she is doing just fine for a first or second try. Some kids (and adults) have unrealistic expectations. being good at something takes work, as may other posters have said on this topic. However, if the kid does not like the activity enough to work at it, she should try something else.

Kay

[momof3chicks]

you know, I wonder whether this is the most important part of the problem.

Imagine coming back after a year off to find your little sister had surpassed you. Little sisters aren't meant to be better at things than you. You can tell yourself that you can catch up, but then you try something and it's hard, you don't get it straight away, and you get scared that you might not be able to get it. Which will make you look even worse than little sister.

Of course you don't want to be seen practising the old, lower-level skills, you want to be seen as equal to little sister. And of course you want to be in her synchro team, cos that means you are equal to her. And it isn't working, you so you get scared you can't get as good as her. You don't want to quit cos everyone will think it's cos little sister is better. You get upset with yourself, and that translates to petulant behaviour on the ice. And no-one understands cos you can't admit this to anyone, so no-one can help you.

I may be way off beam here, it's just a thought....

I am certain it IS part of the problem, however, this particular DD tends to exhibit similar behavior in other things she's tried that are challenging to her- so it is partly her personality I guess, and yes, partly the sister. It was actually worse when they both skated for the same amount of time- little sis was STILL better at it and moving more quickly, that really chapped her. At least now she can say well I took over a year off.