Bullying

[sk8parent]

I thought I would ask this on the skaters page because you may have first hand info for me... Just found out my son who is 9 has been harassed at school for over a year now. I only found out about because his sister is being harassed about her brother too. It came down to a boy grabbing him and shaking him and repeating are you gay?? are you gay???? My reaction to those words is (who really cares about what gender you are) My heart goes out to those who are and are ridiculed because of it... I finally convinced him (my son) he would not be in trouble if we went and talked to the school about what happened. It turned out to be much bigger then I thought... I feel so bad, at one point there was 25 kids in the office with suspensions given out to some. I think he is very relieved now, but we both know this will not be the end....
How have you, I am asking any guys out there dealt with any situations and protected yourselves... ?????
Why is it alright for a girl to be in something artsy and not a boy?--- If you think about it figure skating could be labeled an extreme sport Who else jumps high in the air with no protection on with something as hard as ice under them ... ???
Sorry I am venting here...
Any responses are welcome. Thanks

[Sessy]

Jevgeni Plushenko was bullied too, in interviews he says he used to dive into a heap of snow head-first and do other stupid stunts to prove figure skaters were hardcore... He also played soccer.

[Clarice]

I'm so sorry that has happened to your son - if it was my boy, I'd be heartsick. If the school would cooperate, perhaps a field trip might be in order? If your son's class had a skating party, with a group lesson included, he could help instruct and demonstrate his more advanced skills. The others might have more respect when they realize how difficult skating is. Kids can definitely be cruel, and there are no easy answers, but perhaps an exercise like this might help with this class. The bigger issue, of course, is that a person's sexuality is really none of anybody else's business, and is certainly not grounds for bullying or discrimination. I hope the school will address the problem in a more educational way than just handing out suspensions.

[onlyhappyonice]

I think it's utterly pathetic, and very ignorant of these children. You make a good point about the danger of skating. Put those kids on ice and make them attempt any kind of jump and see how well they do.

If you ask me, professional footballers who all get naked together after a game are slightly more likely to be arse bandits than a male skater.

A more appropriate point is.... what does it matter, we live in the 21st century and being gay is still seen as abnormal, wheras it was the done thing in greece in 1st century A.D. I fail to believe we havn't moved on since then.

My son will be told by myself from day 1 if he takes it up he will get stick from other uneducated and ignorant people and that he will have my backing should he ever feel the need to put the beat down on anyone that dares take the piss out of him.

[sk8tmum]

Oh lord, welcome to my world; DS was tagged with the gay thing, physically assaulted, harassed etc. Got so bad that he nearly became school-phobic.

How did we deal with it? lots of things were tried.


He's now a green belt in Aikido, so he can defend himself if needs be.
Switched schools; new school has zero tolerance for bullying, but, you walk a fine line between being seen as a tattle-tale and being proactive. It's hard, because kids can be sneaky and they can bully in subtle ways that may go under the radar, or, without witnesses and you get into he said/she said. With administration support, a whole bunch of kids got 'educated' about the consequences of bullying; parents were shocked to find out it was happening, and frankly, the home consequences were often much harder than the school consequences.
Girls we found were almost worse than the boys; they were more likely to gang up on him and were more vicious. Boys backed down when they realized that DS could now, if he wanted to, seriously hurt them, and when they realized that he was actually quite athletic and physically fit (winning gym contests in pushups, etc).
We worked with the school to "put it out there" how athletic the sport is; he stopped trying to keep what he did "quiet" because that made it seem as if he was ashamed of it; brought in medals; etc. His dad also shows up regularly as a show of 'guy' support, so that no-one thinks he is ashamed of having a son who figure skates (don't laugh, a couple of parents tried out that line on him - I'm not sure they've recovered yet from the directive feedback they got from my very articulate husband).

We keep him in "guy sports" in the off-season, so that he gets to hang out with the boys and they see how fit, athletic and basically stinky-boy he is.

Our coach has been very forthright with him, and us, about this type of behaviour, because it is common, unfortunately. We all regularly check in with him to see if bullying is occurring; he kept it quiet for quite a while at one point, now he knows to come to us immediately.

We make sure that all of his skating attire is masculine, that his programs and music are masculine, and that he dresses at school in fashionable - and masculine - clothes. It may be protective coloration, but, anything to make his life easier (he's in Grade 6 now).

There was a thread about boys in skating elsewhere, good ideas there.

Now, in our case, he's not trending towards being gay, so we have no problem with presenting and fostering this very masculine picture, and it does indeed help, as the girls are now finding that skaters butt and upper body development quite attractive, especially packaged in Abercrombie jeans and t-shirts. But, I can see it being far more difficult for a boy who is, indeed, gay and is being harassed on this front (which so often happens in school, regardless).

Oh, and yes, his sister got teased about her must-be-gay little brother. She took care of that on her own, because she's a strong kid with good friends ... but, it was unpleasant and upsetting for her, and for us.

[sk8tmum]

oh, and yeah: a flying camel, axel, or double jump done in front of a group of kids: drops the 'figure skating is for losers and wimps' thing.

[Skittl1321]

There have been good suggestions on how to help your son but you also need to discuss this with administrators at the school. Many schools, as previously mentioned have zero tolerance for bullying but physically shaking someone is assault. Some states consider this sort of behavior about sexual preference (whether it is a true accusation or not) to be either sexual harassment or a hate crime.

The way you describe this- it's gone beyond bullying. Because the kids are 9- they probably don't see it that way, but they need to understand the difference between teasing, and potentially illegal actions- and that what they are doing is NOT teasing (and even still, teasing isn't nice).
The school should step in.

[badaxel]

I would like to second the idea of working with the school. I teach 5th grade, and I'm constantly sorting these kinds of things out. You should definitely talk with the teacher. There are many anti- bullying programs and things out there, some more effective than others. What I've found is that, often the bully's parents are not aware of what's going on. ONce they find out, the situation changes very quickly.

On the flip side, there are always kids who are different from their peers. I've noticed that some get picked on, and others don't. I think the difference is a strong core group of friends. Even just one or two close friends can insulate a kid from being a target. The kids who are annoying and bothering other kids are the ones who tend to get picked on.

Feel free to PM me if you want to know a little more about what I see from the teacher's POV.

[sk8parent]

I do want to clarify the children involved were all 2-4 years older than my son... I guess they weren't taught any better. Actually we had one boy come over with his parents and apologize even though he wasn't directly saying or doing the bullying he was well aware of what was happening and his parents said that was just as bad. My hats are off to them! (parents)
As all this happened yesterday I feel it could not have happened on a better day because this morning was his day to work on the ice with many other teen guys... he also has a new lesson with one of his hero's tonight so this has been a happy distraction for him.
Another ??? would a guy be upset if we asked him what it was like growing up as a guy figure skater.:?:
My boy is all boy, but has quite a dramatic artistic side to him. He dresses like a guy and wants to grow up and marry a woman... at school he doesn't have many friends but he is a kind well behaved boy.

I have thought what if we could get some sort of presentation of guy athletes who skate....have like a video screen set up show their routine... show some off ice, do a ??? and answer session. But who knows how much that would cost...but they do that with other sports. McDonalds actually came to our school and focused on 3 Olympians (not in skating of course)
Why is it the only sports that seem to get funding are Hockey and soccer????
He will be taking a month off from skating soon and he is thinking about doing trampoline.....another different thing. Hmmmm

[onlyhappyonice]

I think the fact that a lot of boxers do a form of ballet to work on staying light and flexible in the ring speaks absolute volumes ;)

[smelltheice]

The sports funding issue is directly related to the amount of TV time that sports get. Success breeds success and hockey gets lots or air time and soccer (football in the UK) gets monumental amounts of air time across europe. It is the richest team sport in the world as far as money goes.

I have to say that I rarely experienced any kind of prejudice from others about the fact that I figure skated. Granted I was 23 when I did start but I was also in the military and you would expect from those with a militaristic way of thinking that skating was less than macho. I only had bad comments from 2 people and the rest were not bothered. Boys that skate are in the minority here too but I haven't heard of a bad case of bullying because of their skating but I do think that it does sometimes come down to the parents and their own upbringing passing down to the kids perception of what is right and wrong for a guy to do.

[kander]

When I was a kid I don't think anybody knew I skated. Even if they did I don't think they would have hassled me. Things were a lot more innocent in those days.

I don't recommend this, but one way to deal with school bullies is to take them head on. After a fight they will respect you and leave you alone. Kids pick on other kids they perceive as weak. Maybe sign up for karate classes? At least he could defend himself.

Kevin

[onlyhappyonice]

As much as it may be a very animal point of view, just tell him to put them through the floor ;)