The Other Parent

[Rob Dean]

I'm just wondering whether anyone else is in a rink parent/non-rink parent situation, and whether I'm missing any useful ideas...

The situation is this: My son has been skating (since starting LTS) about four years, pretty seriously for the past two and a few months. He's retrying Novice Moves on the 21st and probably his first pre-silver dance or two, and has passed pre-juv freestyle. Since he got serious (more or less) in December '05, I figure he's had something like 200 moves/freestyle lessons (2+ yrs at 2/wk...), 50+ ice dance lessons, had a trial dance partnership for six months and a try-out or two since then, skated 500 practice sessions, done 17 tests on 10(?) occasions (and passed everything tried except this latest novice moves test), and been in three competitions. My wife has been to the competitions, and I more or less twisted her arm to get her to come to the latest test session (which was the first time she'd ever seen him with his dance coach), but I don't think that she'd been to more than 3 practice sessions or seen more than 1 lesson (with his moves/freestyle coach) since December '05.* I've mentioned that watching practice seems generally to be part of the parent expectation in this sport, and gotten copies of the USFSA guides for parents.

It seems somewhat unfortunate to me that she doesn't have much connection with the activity that seems most central to son's life these days. Is it worth pressing the issue? Since I'm skating myself it's not that I mind being at the rink...

Rob

*Might I also mention that she has never seen me ice dancing either, after something like 180 lessons, six tests and a competition.

[Clarice]

I don't think that this situation is particularly unusual. My daughter and I both skate, and while my husband has come to see us perform in shows, he hardly ever comes to competitions or test sessions. On the other hand, I rarely go to his dog agility trials, either. At my rink, most of the time it's mothers who are watching practices - for most of the kids, I've never even seen their fathers. I don't necessarily interpret it as lack of interest, though.

[Kim to the Max]

For me, when I was younger (up until I could drive myself to the rink :) ), my mom took me...only because her work schedule corresponded better to the ice time schedule. My dad was around and he always volunteered to help at the competition my club held (hauling stuff, usually...the club president and secretary and their daughter, a coach I was close to, were very surprised to hear that he had passed away a few years ago because of all that he did for them). He came to competitions and while he didn't always enjoy sitting in the cold rink and didn't watch me practice, he still wanted me to be happy...hence why he agreed to pay for all of it :lol:

Where he drew the line was when I wanted to watch skating on TV and he had control of the remote control... :roll:

But, maybe your son can tell his mother that it would mean a lot to him if she would come and watch him do X, Y, or Z...sometimes I found that either my dad or my mom didn't think I wanted them there (especially as I got older)...

[twokidsskatemom]

I am at the rink every day.
That said, my husband always comes to tests, comps, recitals, and even comes to practice sessions when he can. He knows this is our life for now, is very supportive of both kids,knows I barter my time for ice, and would never miss any thing inportant.
maybe she doesnt think he wants him there? have you talked to her about how inportant this is to him?

[icedancer2]

I don't think it's that unusual from the observations I've made around the rinks in my area. Usually one parent is more involved than the other, although sometimes both parents seem to be around.

I've also noticed at competitions that sometimes the Basic Skills and LTS kids have large entourages of friends, parents and grandparents to watch them compete. By the time the child is Juvenile through Senior, there is usually just one parent there to watch, and they sit with the parents of the other kids. It's like they are the cheering section for all of the kids.

It sounds like your wife isn't opposed to skating, it's just something she's not that interested in?

[jp1andOnly]

my mom used to take my brother and I..my dad never went. My mom used to pay for our skating out of her own money. I quit and my brother was doing very well. My dad wasn't into figure skating. Then my brother went to a competition and did well, then another and another. By the time my brother was competing in senior men's (and many years before that), my dad was the one supporting him all the way.

Honestly, dont push the situation. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your son

[littlekateskate]

I agree that its not that unusual. My dh never watches dd skate. He sometimes cant even make her competitions. I myself just truly love every second of watching her. But he hates it. He prefers to see her skate like once every six months. Otherwise he says he cant see a difference.

Its truly just personality i think. And for alot of the Serious competitiors at our rink. I sometimes have never seen the "other parent" Not even for shows and compeitions. And then there are the REALLY Serious skaters who live here with host families. And they really never see their skaters skate. THey may meet them at nationals and that is about it :)

[Rob Dean]

My wife isn't opposed to the skating. As you can imagine by the numbers this makes a pretty good dent in the budget, and we have discussed that and she has agreed to taking the necessary measures. I've certainly also observed that most skaters have one more involved parent, though at our usual two rinks, there are quite a few of the regulars whose other parent I at least know by sight.

I guess what bothers me about it is that, as best I can tell, my wife thinks that she is involved on the one hand, and that my son used to talk about how he wished that she could see him and doesn't any more.

I do enjoy the time with him myself, though. I like to think that we have better communications than many 14-year-olds enjoy with their parents as a result of all the time we're together. I do know that we end up with a lot of "in-jokes" that we can't share outside the rink--like the bad Russian accent he uses when he feels a compulsion to give me coaching advice.:)

Rob

[Virtualsk8r]

Sometimes parents, and partners - resent the time spent at the rink, either knowingly or unwittingly. Perhaps your wife needs to be included specifically for a day or practice or competition. Take out the family calendar and ask her which competitions in the near future are good for her...and hold her to it. Say that although she may find it 'boring' etc.....you and your son really love to see her bright shiny face in the stands and perform better with her watching! Plan a special dinner out - even if it is Mc'D's (skating budget food!). Deliberately include her in your plans, at least once a week. I bet this will get her to the rink - at least once in a while.

That said - one parent usually is in charge of rink duty because of time commitments or scheduling. However, on test day or competitions, usually both parents show up if possible. There are a few parents that you don't want at the rink -- I've banned a couple of high-pressure fathers because they just screw up the skaters with their criticism.

Kids adapt though and will get to the point where they don't want the other parent there-- sort of a jinx -- because they have never been there before. And that is sad.

I have one skater whose parents don't watch even when they don't dump and drive....they sit on the other side of the lobby knitting or working on a laptop ....and never venture to the stands even when the poor skaters music is being played. But, hey look out when the report cards from a competition come out......the mother is then an expert on what the skater needs to get those level 4's and lets the kid know what I should be paying more attention to.......right!!

[Mrs Redboots]

Thinking about it, the only families I know where both parents are involved are where the parents themselves skate. Other times, the other parent will come to competitions - some, especially the dads, are very good at helping out at competition - even if you never see them at any other time.

[Helen88]

My mum always drives me to the rink, but if she knows I'll be skating for more than an hour she'll drop me off, go home, and pick me up at the end of the session. My dad I don't think has ever seen me have a lesson, and I don't think he's ever watched my skate really. He's perfectly supportive, but he just doesn't understand it. Take the first time I landed my waltz jump. It was small, shaky, and from standstill, but I was absolutely buzzing, my mum was pretty excited for me, but my dad didn't really understand all the fuss. 'But it's my first JUMP!!' - 'Oh. That's nice. So what's for dinner...?'.

My point - the other parent could be perfectly supportive, yet not really understand it.

[deannathegeek]

Rob-
I'm pretty much in the same situation as you. My kids and I all skate, but my husband won't go near the ice. He's never been to a practice session for our daughter, and has only seen her compete once (unless you count him watching the DVDs). It's just not his thing. I get upset sometimes, but I just keep in mind he has his own hobby that I never really get into (medeival battle reenactments). The kids find his hobby fascinating, but are really too small to really participate.

My advice is, videotape some of your son's practices and show them to her later-she may be more interested than you think, but may have different priorities.

[jskater49]

When my son played Little League it was just miserable for me. I think baseball is SOOOOO boring. I hate to admit it, because even though it was my precious boy playing I was SOOOO BORED watching him play. I hate to admit I was glad when he quit. Honestly if he'd kept it up I can't say I would have going to all of his games. ALthough if he expressed disappointment if I didn't I would have done it.

Maybe skating just bores her to tears? Hard for people like us to imagine...

j

[Lmarletto]

I know a lot of families where one parent is much more involved in the skating than the other, but it's usually for logistical reasons - one parent travels a lot or other children need to be taken other places. Not showing any interest at all in something your child loves does seem a little odd to me and not very smart for the parent of a teenager.

Even though my husband handles almost all my son's hockey practices and games, I make a point to attend all the home games. The years where he played on teams that lost most of their games, that was a chore for me but I felt obligated to go and cheer. Now that he's a moody teenager, I love having opportunities to see him enjoying himself.

Even though I handle almost all my daughter's skating lessons, my husband attends every competition and any tests that he can get away from work for. I think he's glad he doesn't have to watch every single practice, but he ends up taking her once every couple of months or so when I have a conflict and he does enjoy that.

[BatikatII]

I skate and daughter skates and son used to skate but husband will rarely venture to the rink. On the very rare occasion that he has taken daughter he will sit in the cafe or even outside in the car. He is not keen on socialising with other skate parents (though maybe I have put him off with some of the tales of rink 'politics'). He absolutely refuses to even comtemplate trying skating himself.

Even when the kids were skating pairs together and went to the National championships he didnt' come. I think he came with me to one pairs competition but said he didn't enjoy it as he worried about them getting hurt.
Actually I remember he did come to another team competition too but out of 7 years that's only twice!

He's never been to a test session and only once came to a competition I was in.

We do an ice panto every year and even though daughter and I were both performing in it (she had quite a major role) he didn't come. I was disappointed but it just bores him rigid. He did say he'd have come if son went along too but son had other plans that day.

Still, he doesn't seem to begrudge the money for it so can't complain too much.:lol:

[Skate@Delaware]

My husband used to skate until he broke his foot; now he doesn't go to the rink. The boy does hockey but hasn't done that in a few months due to school obligations.

I won't let my husband come to my competitions anymore-he makes me too nervous (he keeps talking). He isn't conducive to a calming pre-comp environment.

I know several of the girls have only one parent show up, or sometimes they carpool.

[Rob Dean]

Not showing any interest at all in something your child loves does seem a little odd to me and not very smart for the parent of a teenager.

That's more or less the area which concerns me. I shouldn't have mentioned my own skating in the first message, as I don't really expect her to be interested in anything that I'm doing.

I went ahead and carefully discussed it with my son, who said that he particularly disliked making his mother uncomfortable, and that she had seemed pretty uncomfortable any time she was at the rink. (Especially the one time in November this past year when we insisted that once she should put on some skates and try it. (She never mentioned the occasion to us again afterward.) Given that not having one parent around isn't all that unusual and that my son isn't looking for her right now, I think that we will not press the issue at this time.

Rob

[isakswings]

My daughter has been skating since October '06. My husband came to a few lessons in the begining and attended both ice show preformances last yr. He was supportive of her interest, but due to his work schedule, he could not be there all the time.

Fast forward to today. My 7 y/o son took up ice hockey in Oct. 07. He has been taking the learn to skate hockey lessons and is now learning how to play the game. He will likely be in a "learn to play", program this summer and will probably end up on a team in the fall.

In the begining, it was the same situation as it was with my daughter. Husband was working a lot and could not come to the rink often. He saw a few lessons, but not very many. That all changed in December. His work schedule opened up some and now he is there for every class and all of my daughter's private lessons(just one a week). He has also taking up skating AND we've been skating as a family as often as we possibly can. He is taking the LTS hockey classes with my 7 y/o(who BTW, out skates his dad now!) and has taken a couple of private lessons with my 7 y/o. I am also taking the adult LTS classes, so in our case, out of 5 family members, 4 of us are in lessons! We spend quite a bit of time skating. My 12 y/o also skates but does not take any lessons. He takes acting classes. :-)

My daughter's friend skates and her brother plays ice hockey. Her mom is at nearly every practice for both her son and her daughter. Her dad comes to competitions and also comes to ice shows. He is supportive of his daughter, but is not at every lesson. He does know what is going on with her skating, but he is unable to be at all of her lessons. Sometimes it is due to work and other times it is because he is coaching his son's team. So, I think sometimes it isn't that the other parent isn't involved, but has other things he/she has to do that takes them away from being a spectator.

Edited to add:

I ran track in HS. I was on the team for 2 years. During those 2 years, my mother didn't attend one track meet. She knew when I had a meet, but never made the effort to attend. My dad lived out of state, but I am sure had he lived closer, he would have come. I also sang in the school chior for all 4 yrs of high school. She was pretty good about attending those concerts, but she also missed several preformances too. In fact, as I got older, I had to find my own way to and from my concerts and meets. Thank goodness our district ran busses after school hours, or I would have had to walk home many times. Given my own experience as a child, I try very hard to go to as many of my kids activities as humanly possible. To this day, I wish my mother had been more supportive of my interests!