How to encourage a child without becoming the dreaded 'Skating Mom'

[deannathegeek]

I love my little girl, and am so very proud of her. She started skating when she turned 4, and excelled at it immediately. She did her first competition when she was 4 1/2 and came in second, and did well at all her subsequent competitions. She picks up on everything very quickly. She stopped skating when she started Kindergarten because she wanted to try new things-she participates in Jump Rope for Heart and the Diabetes walk at school, does school plays, and will be doing soccer this fall. But when I take her to public skate with me, she continues to improve. She's only passed Basic 3, but this past weekend she taught herself how to do a lunge just by watching the other girls at the rink. Ditto a couple month ago with one-foot spins. She's got natural athletic ability (from her dad) and I hate seeing her not working at figure skating like she used to.

I'm not trying to brag or anything, though that's probably how it's coming accross. I just want to know if there's any way I can really encourage her to get back into skating without turning into one of those 'Skating Moms'. You know, the kind that forces their child to eat, breathe, sleep, and live figure skating and not let her be the little kid that she is. Any advice from seasoned skating parents and/or coaches?

[dbny]

You could ask her if she wants to take group lessons once a week. If she wants to skate, just be her supporter, her cheerleader, and no more. If she does not want to skate any more than once in a while, I wouldn't push it. I teach lots of tots, and I can tell when they don't want to be there, and I don't enjoy having them in my classes, though private lessons are much worse when the kid isn't interested. From my experience as the mother of two daughters now 21 and 24 - I cannot urge you strongly enough - do not push her.

[vesperholly]

I'd say let her lead you in the amount of skating she wants to do. Ask her if she wants to do skating lessons again. If she says no, then don't sign her up and leave it alone. If she really wants to do something, she won't let you hear the end of it, in my experience.

FWIW, many little kids will improve by leaps and bounds at the beginning. I've watched it happen before my eyes: Kids who won't move an inch the first day of class are zipping around the rink two weeks later.

Speaking as a daughter here, not a mother ... I know I pestered my parents like crazy as a kid to go skating. They couldn't wait until I was old enough to drive myself to the rink every day. Before I was 16, I sometimes used to bike ride to the rink when they couldn't take me (what was I thinking?!). By contrast, my mom, a former dancer, signed me up for ballet at 4, I hated it and finally quit two years later. But I have pictures of myself doing a perfect pointed foot, and from videos I look very coordinated compared to the rest of the class. I even added my own little flourishes to our routines.

Maybe I could've been a talented ballet dancer, but my heart wasn't in it. I tell my mother now that skating is my ballet - that's what I fell in love with. I took ballet, tap, jazz, swimming and gymnastics, but skating stuck. Your daughter might fall in love with soccer, or gymnastics, or chess, or ... IMO it'd be best to help her find what she's passionate about, not necessarily what she's talented at. Only she knows what she'll love. If she wants to skate, she will come back to it. Until then, let her explore.

[jskater49]

Being involved in a figure skating club over the years with my daughter I've seen lots and lots of little girls start very enthusastically, progress very quickly, do well in competitions and then decide they want to do something else and we never see them again. I wasn't even their mother and I lamented the loss of some of those talented little girls! But I'm sure they went on to be talented and enjoy other things. How nice for them that they were given the opportunity to try it and then do something else.

My dd stayed in it. I never had to push her, I never had to tell her to practice, she often had to choose between skating and other activities and she chose to skate. It's either in them or it's not.

But you know, if you miss skating, you can always take it up yourself!

j

[deannathegeek]

jskater-I do love skating so much I took it up myself. I'm getting ready to take my adult pre-bronze MIF in March. I just really miss my little skating buddy :lol:

[Kim to the Max]

As others have said, I would encourage you to let her find her own way and her own passion. It sounds like your DD is still young, and it's perfectly fine for her to start taking a look at other activities. That's actually how I came upon skating...my mom was signing me up (one at a time) for different activities...swimming, tumbling, etc., to help me find something that I would love....

This reminds me of one of the very last scenes from the movie, "Center Stage:"

Maureen Cummings: If this is what I wanted, I wouldn't be as unhappy as I've been. I'd have friends, I'd sleep well, I wouldn't throw up half the things that I eat.
Nancy Cummings: You watch your weight, there's nothing wrong with that!
Maureen Cummings: Mom, I'm telling you I'm unhappy and sick. I can't do this any more!
Nancy Cummings: But it's your dream. You just don't give up on your dream.
Maureen Cummings: It's your dream, and it matters more to you than anything ever did to me. So I did it, but I can't any more.
Nancy Cummings: I know what regret feels like, and I don't want that for you.
Maureen Cummings: That's what ballet would be . . a life of wishing that I found something I loved, instead of something I just happened to do well. I'm not you, Mom. You didn't have the feet. I don't have the heart.

[sk8tmum]

Hmmm.... figure skating videos are a thought. My one got interested and intrigued and wanted to go on when she saw "neat stuff" that got her thinking. Because figure skating isn't as much front and centre on the TV as it used to be, the videos are a great option. YouTube can be good as well.

It's like taking a little one to see a real ballet company perform; it makes the classes more interesting when they see a grande jete performed, and they realize that 1st position, 2nd position etc are working towards something really cool - !

We also found that having the shared interest helped. I love to watch skating; we watched together and talked about it and it became a common point of ground, even at a young age.

[Logan3]

How many hours did she use to skate?
She does not want to skate at all or she just wants to skate less???

My dd this year "quit" skating for another sport but by quiting she meant not to do comp, not to have privates every week and generally not to have skating in the center of her sports. However she still takes a group class and skates on her own. She loves this and now few months later she is thinking to go back to testing, not to competing though.

I d say if she wants to skate only once a week that is great and go with it. If she does not want to skate at all then every season you can bring it up that skating is an option and see if she wants to go back. A lot of kids go in and out skating or they skate only in the winter. It does not have to be all or nothing....
Also, if she is athletic she will probably want to try all the sports out there. A lot of the "athletic" kids do no make a commitment before the age of 8 or 9. And some never make one. I have a friend that she is now in high school and she is still jumping from sport to sport and she is a "great" athlete. Obviously not the one that will become a champion since she does not focus BUT the one that truly enjoys sports and has a great time!

[Sessy]

As a kid I was pushed into piano playing because I had a great deal of "natural ability". I'm still upset with my mother for it. You've got to have a heart for what you're doing, apart from natural ability.

[littlekateskate]

Hmmm.... figure skating videos are a thought.

Videos are huge for my four year old also. She loves to skate. But we have random days she doesnt want to and since its already planned and paid for in advance we have to go. When she doesnt want to on these days if i throw in ice princess or similar it motivates her much more!

[Tennisany1]

...

This reminds me of one of the very last scenes from the movie, "Center Stage:"

Maureen Cummings: If this is what I wanted, I wouldn't be as unhappy as I've been. I'd have friends, I'd sleep well, I wouldn't throw up half the things that I eat.
Nancy Cummings: You watch your weight, there's nothing wrong with that!
Maureen Cummings: Mom, I'm telling you I'm unhappy and sick. I can't do this any more!
Nancy Cummings: But it's your dream. You just don't give up on your dream.
Maureen Cummings: It's your dream, and it matters more to you than anything ever did to me. So I did it, but I can't any more.
Nancy Cummings: I know what regret feels like, and I don't want that for you.
Maureen Cummings: That's what ballet would be . . a life of wishing that I found something I loved, instead of something I just happened to do well. I'm not you, Mom. You didn't have the feet. I don't have the heart.

This is a wonderful piece. It should be posted at every ice rink, gym, ballet studio, music studio ... you get the picture. It is such a fine line, not wanting your child to have regrets, yet letting them make their own choices and follow their own dreams.

As long as your daughter is happy and active don't worry about which sport she chooses. I really wanted my dd to take up tennis. At 3 1/2 year old she bugged me for weeks for skating lessons (she had skated once at this point.) I would still much rather she play tennis, but skating is her passion. It may change (I'm still waiting :lol: ) but then again it may not. Her dream, not mine.

[hepcat]

jskater-I do love skating so much I took it up myself. I'm getting ready to take my adult pre-bronze MIF in March. I just really miss my little skating buddy :lol:

I'm the same way. I took it up because my daughter was skating and found that I absolutely love it (even though I'm not that good). At some point I realized that if my daughter gave up skating I would still be at the rink myself, so there was no need to worry if she will stay in the sport. She doesn't need to succeed to satisfy my love of skating. She can still be your skating buddy in a casual sense if she never gets into the sport, but you're better off trying to separate her skating with your desire to skate.

My daughter has been skating for two years and she's only 7, and I expected her to run out of steam by now...it's turning out to be the opposite, though. I look at the kids 5 years ahead of her and how expensive and involved it is, and I just shudder.

[deannathegeek]

Claire still loves skating, and goes one or two times a month when I go to the rink on the weekends (I usually don't because it's so crowded on the weekends, but sometimes it can't be helped), and she enjoys herself when she gets out there. She just doesn't want to do classes anymore-although she still wants to compete.

And you guys are right-I don't want to push her, but 10 years from now I don't want her regretting not staying in classes and pushing herself. I try to be an open-minded parent, but this is a really tough problem for me. I always tell Claire to be the best Claire she can be, and sometimes I wonder if she gives up activities because she's not interested anymore or is just lazy (and she can be lazy at times). It's really driving me bonkers!

[Isk8NYC]

I've found that my kids stay active in things when they make friends with that interest.

They haven't made many friends at skating at our new rink, partially because they're taking their lessons on a freestyle session in the early AM. They used to beg me to take them to the freestyles or public sessions at our old rink because they could skate with their friends.

They have a school and tae kwon do buddy who is a major attraction for getting to the tae kwon do studio as many days as possible.

[isakswings]

This is a wonderful piece. It should be posted at every ice rink, gym, ballet studio, music studio ... you get the picture. It is such a fine line, not wanting your child to have regrets, yet letting them make their own choices and follow their own dreams.

As long as your daughter is happy and active don't worry about which sport she chooses. I really wanted my dd to take up tennis. At 3 1/2 year old she bugged me for weeks for skating lessons (she had skated once at this point.) I would still much rather she play tennis, but skating is her passion. It may change (I'm still waiting :lol: ) but then again it may not. Her dream, not mine.

My 7 y/o son started skating in October. I had wanted to sign him up for karate. I thought he'd enjoy it and since he has ADHD, I had heard classes like that can often help with concentration. I tried to convince him to take karate but he was adament, he wanted to skate. His sister had been skating for a year and he'd been a few times in that last year and appearantly he'd really enjoyed it! So Ian's been skating since October. He takes hockey lessons and might play on a summer league this summer. He also will take a few private lessons just to help him become stronger on so me basic skills.
He loves skating, so until he expresses an interest in something else, he will skate. :-)

Angie

[isakswings]

Claire still loves skating, and goes one or two times a month when I go to the rink on the weekends (I usually don't because it's so crowded on the weekends, but sometimes it can't be helped), and she enjoys herself when she gets out there. She just doesn't want to do classes anymore-although she still wants to compete.

How about private lessons? Would she enjoy those? Maybe she doesn't like the group classes but might like some private classes? I've heard of kids who don't like group lessons but do enjoy private lessons. If she has natural ability like you say she does, maybe she gets bored in the group lessons? Just a thought. I only mentioned private lessons because you mentioned she still wants to compete. :-) If she doesn't want to take private lessons, then just keep doing what you are now and taking her when she wants to go.

Angie

[fsk8r]

And you guys are right-I don't want to push her, but 10 years from now I don't want her regretting not staying in classes and pushing herself. I try to be an open-minded parent, but this is a really tough problem for me. I always tell Claire to be the best Claire she can be, and sometimes I wonder if she gives up activities because she's not interested anymore or is just lazy (and she can be lazy at times). It's really driving me bonkers!

I took piano as a 7 year old child and finally gave up at 14. But I remember several battles with my mother over practice. I never really liked it because I wasn't always good at it. But I'm really glad she forced me through it. It taught me self-discipline and when I was 17 I asked to take it up again before going to university.
My only regrets from being a child is that my ballet lessons stopped when I was 4 due to issues with the ballet classes and I've only been able to take it back up at 30.
Skating for me was something I always wanted to try and only got the opportunitiy to as an adult. I'm now passionate about it, but practicing it, involves the same discipline that I was taught at 7 when doing piano, so I'm really glad my mother fought through my battles and made me do it.
I know a lot of other parents would do differently, but sometimes letting a child just give up because they don't want to do it today isn't the right reason for giving something up. A lot of things can be behind that statement.
I had a friend recently tell me she wanted to give up skating. It turns out to be some person at the rink being a bit nasty to her, and she's an adult. When I suggested she try and avoid this person by going to different sessions and worrying about her own skating, she's managed to get over the hump and enjoy the sport she loves. Quite often the child will have the same reasons for wanting to stop something, but learning some staying power can sometimes be a good thing, and another couple of months of something won't do any harm, they might make that new friend again which gives them a new passion for it.

[Tennisany1]

...Quite often the child will have the same reasons for wanting to stop something, but learning some staying power can sometimes be a good thing, and another couple of months of something won't do any harm, they might make that new friend again which gives them a new passion for it.

ITA with this, but I'm not sure it applies to a 5 year old who has only had a few lessons. She is still working on basic skills and may have just decided it is not for her. She may also have already felt the pressure of "being talented" and decided she doesn't need that either. Sometimes a 5 year old can express these thoughts, sometimes they don't even understand them. As I said before, I would let it go. She finished the session and that is all you can reasonably ask of a 5 year old.

[kimmee4]

Try not to push. She is still young and may at sometime may want to go back to ice skating. When my dd was 4, I excitedly signed her up for skating lessons. I had taken group lessons as a child and lived to skate. DD in first session was moved from snowplow sam 1, to 2 , to 3 and then to basic 1. She hated it !! It killed me but that was it. She found dance and that was her passion. Then last year at age 9 DD decided she would like to try skating lessons with her friend. After a little over a year of group lessons only, she has moved from basic 2 to freeskate 5 ( just about ready to be moved to 6). She is very athletic and her strength, flexiblity , and balance make it soooo easy for her. Now that she is almost finished with the group lessons, she is thinking about private. Since private is soooooo expensive she will have to drastically cut back in dance, if she chooses that route.

Kids likes and dislikes change frequently and as they grow. Maybe she will want to try it again when she is a bit older, in a year or two.

[sk8tmum]

Again, depending on the 5 year old:

Daughter wanted to quit. Wouldn't say why. Hated skating; was miserable. 7 years old.

I eavesdropped on a private coaching session.

All was clear quite quickly. DD hadn't said anything because she was afraid of being a nuisance/disrespecting an adult/didn't really trust her own judgement that the situation was a bad one.

Changed coaches; several years later, still intensely happy and working hard in skating.

Every situation and child is different, as was said before, however, trying to decode the attitude can help a child communicate and make decisions for the right reasons, in some instances. Skating, piano, karate, singing: it's all part of that same "Oh Lord, why don't they give us a manual when they give us these kids so that it's not so hard to do everything right!"

[Mrs Redboots]

It is such a fine line, not wanting your child to have regrets, yet letting them make their own choices and follow their own dreams.
Tell me about it! My daughter, in her skating days, wondered aloud why I hadn't started her in the sport years earlier (never occurred to me, if I'm honest!). I could, I suppose, have pushed her to be a good swimmer, found her a club, encouraged her to train and so on - she would have been good, although probably not world class (so who is?), but I wasn't that sort of mother. But then, I saw my niece being pushed and pushed with her riding, to the point where she is now pretty much world class for her age in dressage - and I saw, and still see, her younger brother, who has some special needs, struggling and struggling to find something he can be good at, too....

You can't win!

[deannathegeek]

I know a lot of other parents would do differently, but sometimes letting a child just give up because they don't want to do it today isn't the right reason for giving something up. A lot of things can be behind that statement.


That's exactly it! I don't want to be a touchy-feely PC parent and just go with her flow until she ends up in juvie. I want to love Claire for who she is (whether that involves skating or not) and be the best parent I can be. I just don't know how much I should push her and when to let it go.

Thanks for all of the advice-it's very much appreciated. I sat down with Claire and we had a really good talk about her skating. She still loves it but she just wants to try other stuff right now. Instead of classes she'll do 1 private lesson a month, work on her ISI levels and do one competition a year, keep going to public skate with me, and just enjoy being a kid. She can always go back to skating later if she feels like it. She may not be working towards the olympics right now, but I still have my skating buddy, which it what matters the most to me.

[hepcat]

The good thing is that time is on her side. It's not unusual for kids to start a little older than she is, so she won't feel like she's way older than the other kids if she gets back into it more intensely when she's a year older. She could give it up entirely at this age, go back a few years later and it wouldn't really hurt her in the long run. The younger skaters have a hard time with power and most won't advance into a powerful skating style until they just plain grow a little more.

[momsk8er]

two more stories for you - ymmv of course:

- when my daughter was 4, I started her in skating lessons. She hated it, she quit. At 6 she decided she wanted to play hockey like her brother, and she went back to lessons and played hockey for 2 years. At 9 she decided she wanted to figure skate, and now she is loving it, would skate every day all day if she could. She has progressed quickly and three years later she is working on doubles, and passed pre-juv moves.

- when my daughter was 4, after she quit skating, she tried gymnastics. She loved it. Two years later she ran into a coach who scared her, and she would cry and cling when we went to class. This coach was a great coach, but her "encouragement" sounded like yelling to my daughter. We asked DD to continue, because she seemed talented at it. We switched to another coach and things were fine for a while. Then she was invited to be on the pre-team, at a very competitive gym. The pressure was just too much, the prior experience made her distrust the coaches and she felt they pushed too hard (which they probably did in retrospect). She decided to quit gymnastics altogether.

what do I take from these stories? 1) maturity plays a big role - sometimes kids are just not ready for what life is handing them. 2) a decision made by a kid to leave a sport is not necessarily permanent. 3) its best to let kids make their own choices, they know themselves best and forcing things may cause problems they don't need.

[littlekateskate]

I know i mentioned the skating movies earlier. But I thought I would also throw in simple things like skating books. My daughter has a bunch of great titles if you are intereste PM me and I will let you know her favorites! She has an Emily Hughes book she LOVES and reads every night. Things like that get my dd excited or skating shows (disney on ice ect). And then for the next few weeks after she literally wants to skate every moment. Even at home on the carpet we are pretending.

[luckeylasvegas]

My DD started skating at 5 (after much begging from her) and was very successful in all her ISI competitions up until she turned 9 - 10. At which point her enthusiasim and her attitude toward her coch started to change. Her frustration and mine from net being abe to land her axel added to the problems. This winter she had a problem with Osggoschlater in her knee and was forced to be off the ice for a month. During that month I asked her to reflect on what she wanted from skating , if she wanted to change coaches, if she wanted to try something else. I reminded her that skating was always going to be there , if she left to try something else. After much thought she decided to play spring soccer for three months and to drop her private lessons from three to one. I reminded her that she would never find out if she liked another sport unless she gave it a try, but in the end it was supposed to be about having fun and if skating wasn't fun for her anymore, then we should find somethng that was. That line from the movie always plays in my head, and I admit it's hard for me to back off, but I do know it's best for her and in the end .....skating will always be there waiting for her to return.