Passion or Aggressive MOM??!!

[sk8rmom2006]

When I was home last night, my DD who is only 9 yr old Prelim skater wanted to tell me something but she stopped. I told her that she could tell anything to her mom. So she told me that while she was skating she was doing backward spiral, she could not see who was coming to her, she almost bumped to the other skater. The first thing went into my mind was "Oh my god, I hope none of you got hurt". She told me no. Acutally they did not bumped into each other. Then I said "So what did it upset you?". She told me that the other skater's mom was bad mouthing about her after that happened. I told her accident happens on ice. As long as she followed the rules, and be careful in the future, she should not be bother by what the MOM said. I thought this was just a little episode, not a big deal. Later on, her coach called me. She said she appologized for what happened in the rink that afternoon. She said actually my DD was taking her private lesson while this incident happened. They were already on ice for about 10 min. Then the other skater was on ice for private lesson with other coach. My DD coach said that it was not my daughter's fault. If any, it was her fault since she was teaching my DD on ice. The other skater is much higher level skater and she is 13 yr old. She should know better not to bump into my DD. But the MOM did not give up. She started yelling at my DD and saying that when her DD was in lesson, everybody should be out of her way. My DD coach told her that my DD was on lesson too. And my DD did not intent to collide with her daughter. The MOM told my DD that if my DD can not take her yelling how could my DD take her daugher's coach yelling (her DD coach is coaching elite level skaters, and he yells a lot to his skaters.). She meant that my daughter will never get Elite skater level coach.

I only heard about how parents behaved terribly in skating forums. I never would have thought that this would actually happened so close to me. My DD coach said this mom has similar problem with other skaters in the rink. Her daughter who is skater is actually very embarrased by her mom's behavior. She said my DD responsed quite well. She did not talk back, not cry. She just continued her lesson and the rest of freestyles. I told our coach that I would not worry much about that. My daughter already told me about the incident. I told her that she goes to the rink is to skating. As long as she follows the rules, she should not be bothered by what other people said. Those just white noise. Her coach was release by my response. She said she was afraid that I would grap the phone and call the other skater's mom and scream back. I told her we would never do that.

I understand all parents are doing their best to protect their own kids. But the passion sometime is overdone. When it is overdone, it will not do any good to their own kids or others.

I also don't understand why parents have to be so aggressive. This is sport, not life or death issue. Furthermore, the players are the coaches and the skaters, not the moms or dads. Accidents are norm in all kinds sports. There is really no need for grown up parents to yell and scream at 9 yr old girl. By the way, she did not buy the whole rink ice time. We did pay our ice time. How could she demanded every other skaters have to be out of her DD's way while she was taking lesson. I can not imagine what if her DD goes to competition, and if she is so tie to the other competitor, what this mom would do to the other competitor? It might be another Tonya Harding drama. That thought really made me sick.

Sorry for the long rant.

[Mrs Redboots]

You seem to have handled the whole situation very well - I just feel sorry for the other child, with a mother like that! As you so rightly say, if she feels her child should have the ice to herself, let her hire the entire rink for her daughter's lessons!

[dbny]

I also don't understand why parents have to be so aggressive.

Some parents invest their own egos in their children. They see the children as an extension of themselves, and also have an overblown sense of their own importance in the world at large.

You seem to have handled the whole situation very well - I just feel sorry for the other child, with a mother like that!

ITA. Good for you, and you are entitled to rant to us! As for the other skater - poor kid. At least she is mature enough to be embarrassed by her mother's behavior. She's already a step ahead of mom.

[carmom]

The mom who yelled should be banned from your rink for at least a week. I certainly hope that your coach will consider having her reprimanded. After eight years of skating, I have never seen a mom yell at another skater. There have been plenty of complaints though. Be warned of two things. One, is that at your daughter's level she is both to be envied and a threat to older skaters adjusting to hormones and really long legs. Try to empathize when you can. Two, all younger skaters need to stay out of the Lutz corners and give way to high level skaters whenever possible for safety's sake. If you've never been on the ice with a national competitor, you have no idea how fast and deadly they can be. They have earned the right to be prima donnas and sometimes they don't bother to look at all. This is where I get mad too. If I were you, I'd keep your DD as gracious as she is now and I'd complain to your rink about the other mom's unacceptable behavior.

[dbny]

If you've never been on the ice with a national competitor, you have no idea how fast and deadly they can be. They have earned the right to be prima donnas and sometimes they don't bother to look at all.

I totally disagree that anyone ever has the right to be a prima donna on the ice. It's just too dangerous. I've been on the ice with a national competitor, and have to say that of all the other skaters out there, I felt the safest around him because I knew he had the greatest control and was best able to maintain his view of the ice. The best thing to do when an elite level skater is coming at you, is to just keep on what you are doing, or stop if you can. They can avoid you more easily than you can avoid them, and they can predict where you will be. If you move suddenly in avoidance, you've blown their prediction.

[sk8rmom2006]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

The mom who yelled should be banned from your rink for at least a week. I certainly hope that your coach will consider having her reprimanded.

I don't think my DD coach could do anything for that because she is not her skater. And the other skater's coach did not want to involve in.

I was told by our coach that the MOM has the history like that with other skaters in the rink. So I don't think the rink can do anything about her.

Yes, I do really feel sorry for the other skater. How much she had to put up with her mom!

Be warned of two things. One, is that at your daughter's level she is both to be envied and a threat to older skaters adjusting to hormones and really long legs. Try to empathize when you can.

Good point. I will keep this on mind. But in this case, this is not the issue. My DD is a newcomer of the rink. We just transferred from the other rink to this one about one month ago. She is among 3 lowest level skaters (they are all in the same age range and have similiar skills).

Two, all younger skaters need to stay out of the Lutz corners and give way to high level skaters whenever possible for safety's sake. If you've never been on the ice with a national competitor, you have no idea how fast and deadly they can be. They have earned the right to be prima donnas and sometimes they don't bother to look at all. This is where I get mad too.

Definitely I will warn my DD. She saw the accidents happened in her old rink.

[twokidsskatemom]

Originally Posted by carmom
Two, all younger skaters need to stay out of the Lutz corners and give way to high level skaters whenever possible for safety's sake. If you've never been on the ice with a national competitor, you have no idea how fast and deadly they can be. They have earned the right to be prima donnas and sometimes they don't bother to look at all. This is where I get mad too



Dont agree. The higher level skaters are the ones that are supposed to watch out for the lower ones.The lower ones should be taught to watch as well, but it really is up to the higher level skaters to watch.
No one owns the ice unless they buy it themself.No one earns the right to be a prima donna on the ice.
IMO

[dooobedooo]

Just wanted to say - this other mom had no right to shout ... BUT... a back spiral is just about the most dangerous thing on the ice if the skater is not aware. Imagine a blade of honed steel hurtling straight at you somewhere around chin level ... I am not surprised the other mom got hysterical.

I have also heard of more than one incident, in which a skater has been badly injured - and even sent to hospital - by another skater's poorly judged camel spin.

Skating can be a dangerous sport. If her coach agrees that she was at fault, then the most gracious thing that your daughter can do is to "cut out the moms" and just go to the girl in question and apologise. It doesn't matter that the coach should have been taking responsibility. If the other girl is worth her salt, she will accept the apology graciously and it will strengthen their on-ice relationship. I do hope so.

[jskater49]

Two, all younger skaters need to stay out of the Lutz corners and give way to high level skaters whenever possible for safety's sake. If you've never been on the ice with a national competitor, you have no idea how fast and deadly they can be. They have earned the right to be prima donnas and sometimes they don't bother to look at all. This is where I get mad too. If I were you, I'd keep your DD as gracious as she is now and I'd complain to your rink about the other mom's unacceptable behavior.

Huh? Earned the right to be a prima donna? Actually the better skater has the responsiblity to give way because they have more skill to do so, although everyone is responsible to keep an eye out and make sure you aren't always in someone's way. But it can't always be avoided. My experience has been that higher level skaters are usually the most gracious about saying sorry.

Where I used to skate, that kind of of behavior on the part of the Mom would get her kicked out of the rink, but that isn't always possible. Sounds like it was handled well, although I'd be tempted to have a little "Don't you ever dare mess with my kid" chat with Mom. If this behavior is typical of her, a complaint needs to be lodged with the club board.

j

[sk8rmom2006]

Skating can be a dangerous sport. If her coach agrees that she was at fault, then the most gracious thing that your daughter can do is to "cut out the moms" and just go to the girl in question and apologise. It doesn't matter that the coach should have been taking responsibility. If the other girl is worth her salt, she will accept the apology graciously and it will strengthen their on-ice relationship. I do hope so.

Actually, both girls (skaters) were gracious, no problem. They appologized to each other right away. It's just the mom jumped in made the whole situation became drama.

[sk8rmom2006]

If this behavior is typical of her, a complaint needs to be lodged with the club board.
j

Even we file the complaint, what can club board do? The skater herself is actually a sweet girl. Pardon my ignorance, does Club have rules saying how parents should behave?

[Isk8NYC]

Even we file the complaint, what can club board do? The skater herself is actually a sweet girl. Pardon my ignorance, does Club have rules saying how parents should behave?Some clubs DO have rules for the parents/guardians. Many added those rules after other sports started getting violent in the stands. Hockey, football, and baseball led the way in introducing the restrictions, driven by the insurance companies concern and growing costs. Skating clubs have followed suit.

[jskater49]

Even we file the complaint, what can club board do? The skater herself is actually a sweet girl. Pardon my ignorance, does Club have rules saying how parents should behave?

Yea, they can ban her - Mom, not the skater from being in the rink or at least at the boards. My old club was a small club with one coach and there may have been some problems with that - but she would tell problem parents they could drop their kid off at the rink, but they could not come in. And if she ever caught a parent coaching, she would warn them once and if it happened again, they could coach the kid because she wouldn't. That only works when you are the only game in town. SHe even banned one parent from coming to competitions because she messed with her daughter's mind.

Frankly I think every club should ban all parents from the boards...there is no need for you to be there within hearing and shouting distance...parents can watch from the stands.

j

[teresa]

Nobody tries to run into someone. Accidents do happen and the best thing is to give an apology. I agree better skaters should watch out for weaker skaters, however paying attention to fellow skaters is always a good idea. Some folks ARE nasty, teach your child to move on. After the apology of course. Oh, folks know about these parents or skaters. Your better just to be quiet and move on. Really! =-)

teresa

[Laura H]

Not at the same level, but a kinda similar thing happened to me once during (of all things) learn-to-skate lessons!! At our rink, they cone off different areas for the different levels of classes and the kids waiting for lessons (there are 2 back-to-back sessions) are allowed to warm off to the side of the coned off areas (at the end of the rink). I have twin boys, I think they were 7 or 8 at the time - one is into figure skating and was probably at FS 1 level at that point - the other was in Alpha classes). So they were at the end of the ice warming up and waiting for their class.

I had gone to get a pair of gloves for one of my sons and as I was standing at the entrance to the ice trying to get his attention . . . heard an older man behind me complaining about "I can't believe they're letting those kids on the ice while lessons are going on" (there were several kids in the warm up area, not just my boys) and then made some snide comment about "those two boys" - I can't remember the exact comment but it was something about them interfering with lessons. I turned around said, "excuse me, those are MY boys" and I can't remember exactly I said because I was SO mad!! (I did remain calm though!!). I think I said that they KNEW better, but if they were causing problems, I would put an end to it.

The boys had come up to the rink entrance at that point so in front of the guy I (calmly!) said that "this man is worried about you cutting in front of people" - and the dude WALKED OFF!! At some point in there he said something about "well if they knock down my daughter they will be sorry" or something like that. UNBELIEVABLE.

BTW, my one son (taking Alpha) was near tears as a result of the situation and it really took some work to get him to go on to his class - I never did figure out what happened to get this guy in a tizzy - my dh was in the stands and didn't see anything happening except that the (Alpha) son did fall down a couple of times - but after all - that's kind of why he was getting ready to take the class!! :?? Possibly "dad" was just laboring under the prejudiced viewpoint that all boys on ice are hockey kids and out to knock you down . . . in which case it would be nice if he would have observed for a little bit and made sure there was actually something to complain about!! :roll:

[cathrl]

I agree with what others have said - it's totally out of line for an adult to verbally abuse a child, no matter what mistake the child made. If the mum was that upset about what sounds like a non-incident - the kids didn't even collide - then she should have taken it up with you or your daughter's coach.

[Sessy]

On the other hand, maybe the mom just freaked out cuz her daughter nearly had a toepick in her neck. If I were a parent, that would freak me out no matter whose fault it was.

[teresa]

The parent probably did freak out, must have looked very scary. Saying that, being an adult is about self control and her freaking out and screaming didn't change the close call or help anyones feelings. (What if she had been the only adult available to help in an emergency?) I can see screaming "watch out" when an accident is coming, but once things have moved past this point, turning into a crazy woman fixes nothing. What if the worse had happened? What if her child had the close call? How would she want her child treated? Might happen someday. She should have given an apology to that little girl and explained why she screamed if scared. Skating does have risks and you need to understand this if your a skater or parent. Accidents do happen...and nobody ever tries to hurt someone else on purpose.

teresa

[sk8rmom2006]

Saying that, being an adult is about self control and her freaking out and screaming didn't change the close call or help anyones feelings.

How would she want her child treated? Might happen someday. She should have given an apology to that little girl and explained why she screamed if scared. Skating does have risks and you need to understand this if your a skater or parent. Accidents do happen...and nobody ever tries to hurt someone else on purpose.

teresa

I am second to what you just said. That is why I was surprised by the mom's reaction. But now I learn that her reaction is not uncommon in this figure skating world.:roll: I guess on one hand I will keep reminding my daughter of being very careful and following the rules. On the other hand, we just have to move on. :giveup:

[aussiemum]

Having been around rinks for quite a few years. I'd have to say that the behaviour of the "exorcist" mother does happen but is uncommon.

I've come across a few over the years but most tend to yell at other mothers not the skaters...we did have one who displayed some seriously diagnosable behaviour...I remember one night at the rink she grabbed some fluoro cones and sectioned of a quarter of the ice for her daughter to exclusively use because she felt others were stifling her training...the daughter is low low level and 6 years old. I observed her bailing up a young skater in the toilets alleging she pinched her child, she was hurling so much abuse at this poor young kid that I felt I had to report her so I did.

We have various Codes of Conduct here, coaches, parents, skaters, members, officials etc and they are taken very seriously...breaches of these codes may result in a discipline of some sort, that is after an investigation.

I am constantly amazed at the behaviour of adults within the skating world but am often more amazed at the level of abuse parents allow towards their children from coaches. Having said that most coaches are fabulous but I am sure at most rinks there is at least one coach who uses a more aggressive approach to coaching.

PS: Sk8rmom2006 I think you handled the whole situation beautifully full done