I just can't take it anymore... [Archive]

AW1

03-26-2007, 07:41 AM

I recently started back at skate school after 6 months or more off the ice from a knee injury.

I used to be with a synchro team, but because I wasn't at the level required for skating, they arranged lessons from one of the coaches at the rink. Every week she would say to me "your little girl is a very good skater. you need to get her to teach you" to which I would politely smile etc... :frus:

It got to the point where I stopped going to synchro because I just didn't want to learn from this coach, and be belittled and basically told to get a lesson from my 5 (then 4) year old :(

So tonight at skate school, I was having issues with my knee, my skates didn't feel right and well I just couldn't get into it. I happened to have this coach again, and what was the first thing she said to me ? "you need to get your daughter to show you how to do it" ... :frus: I promptly replied with "no I do not" and got off the ice, removed my skates, and went to the bathroom where I proceeded to burst into tears...... :giveup: It was either that, or I was going to slap this woman :twisted:

I do not want to pay money for a group lesson, only to be belittled in front of everyone on the ice.

YES my daughter is a good little skater
NO I don't pick up things as easily as her, but god damn I give it a good shot...

Tonight actually forced me to wonder whether learning to skate is actually a pointless exercise ... I used to really enjoy skating, but these days I am getting so frustrated with myself I find it harder and harder to NOT use expletives !!

At what point does it just become not worth it anymore :?:

Ice Dancer

03-26-2007, 07:47 AM

Unfortunately, some coaches do not have any people skills whatsoever. My current group lesson coach is awful, I am on the brink of not returning to them. It's not quite the same, but we get comments like "I've taught kids to go into the xxxx competition and the championships and I expect the same from you" and "oh come on it's easy, I've just had the BEGINNERS group do it", really emphasing the word beginners. I have only had two lessons with her so far, and both times my private coach has had to pick up the pieces two days later. I don't have a group lesson this week, and man does it feel good!!

My advise, don't give up. No matter how not fun it seems at the moment, do not give up. You will have fun again soon. Avoid that coach if at all possible, and again if possible, find one that actually respects you as your own person. Once that happens, you'll find it is fun again. Maybe you should suggest that she gets people skills lessons from your daughter if she mentions it again!

Hugs to you, and I hope that things work out.

AW1

03-26-2007, 07:53 AM

Unfortunately, some coaches do not have any people skills whatsoever.

Do you know what, I feel like a really bad person though because her first language isn't English, and I suspect what she's actually trying to get out is a compliment on my daughter's ability rather than to cut me personally ...

That said, it shouldn't bother me BUT it does! I do take it personally.

Thank you for your advice, I'm considering not attending the group lessons and instead having one private lesson a fortnight (cost is about the same)...

Isk8NYC

03-26-2007, 07:54 AM

You need to discuss this (calmly) with that coach. She's waaay off-base and very insensitive to continue making that remark. Tell her that you find it very insulting and you would prefer that she stop comparing you and your daughter. I wonder if she's been making similar remarks to your DD? If she continues to tease you after you've discussed it with her and asked her to stop, talk to the Director/Head Pro. It's really inappropriate.

Don't stop skating. You've already made good progress and everyone has an off day now and again.
To let this coach take you off the ice is just plain wrong.

BatikatII

03-26-2007, 07:56 AM

Don't give up because of one insensitve coach. all of us with kids have been there where they are so much better - and it doesnt' matter what age they are it is hard to take when your kids are so much better than you and you know you will never be as good as they are, so it is really something you have to deal with early on. I'm sure you have and it is only this coach bringing it up that is making you feel this way.

Do you have a private coach at all? - if so it may be worth having a word with her about what this coach is saying and how it makes you feel. Quite possibly the coach has no idea how it makes you feel so doesn't realise there is a problem.

Other wise, is it possible to approach this coach off ice and let her know that while you are aware that your daughter is very good, that it is not helpful to your skating to be constantly told to get lessons from her and you'd appreciate it if she didn't keep saying it? Again possibly she has no idea how it is making you feel and may be genuinely surprised to know it has upset you.

With luck you will soon find that you can take pride in your daughters rapid progress without feeling that it makes your own skating any less worthwhile. My kids are way ahead of me (even the one who stopped skating two years ago) but I do the best I can and work hard at my own skating because my achievements, small as they are, do make me happy.

BTW your daugher is good and very cute - loved the birdie outfit. But remember she started at 4 and you started at X? age and it is very very very much harder for adults. She does not have all the factors adults have to contend with - eg looking after a family, job commitments, fear factor etc. All she has to do is skate. Plus at that age kids are flexible and bounce when they fall so they can just go for it without thinking.

Good Luck

jskater49

03-26-2007, 08:32 AM

Just because your daughter can skate, it doesn't mean she can teach. That's just a stupid thing to say.

While I'm usually all for discussing things and reconciliation and all that stuff, and if she's the only coach available, then try that.

But really that kind of behavior is unacceptable. I'm probably the slowest learner ever and I never had a coach talk to me like that. If you are having trouble learnng, maybe it's because she's a crappy coach. I'd fire her and if she's teaching your daughter I fire her for your daughter as well and get a new coach. There's just no excuse for that.

j

RoaringSkates

03-26-2007, 08:39 AM

Some coaches don't have experience or knowledge of adult skaters, and thus don't realise that we learn at (quite a) different pace than the kids. As you said, I'm sure that she doesn't even realise that what she's saying is insensitive. I wonder, if you feel that the coach is otherwise good, if you can find a way to mention it to her? That's only if you feel she's otherwise redeemable.

But in the end, some coaches are good enough that they can handle teaching both adults and kids, and some can't adapt. If she's no good for you, and you can find another coach, then switch.

As an adult skater, although we're certainly there to learn and improve, we're also spending our valuable time on the ice because it's fun. If it isn't fun - if this coach is wrecking that for you - then you have to switch.

My coach is a darling - keep looking. You will find the coach that is right for you!

sue123

03-26-2007, 08:52 AM

I have nothing else to add, except that coach was waaaayyy off base. Just avoid her, see if you can find someone who does not act this way. It's not worth quitting because of one person. And remember, kids are going to learn faster because they're kids. They have no fear, they're closer to the ground so falling doesn't hurt as much. But that in no way means that with practice, you yourself can become a fine skater as well.

Virtualsk8r

03-26-2007, 09:08 AM

Just a thought .... since you said that the offending coach's first language is not English..... Is it possible that this coach is actually soliciting your daughter with her comments???? Especially since she continues to use the same line every time she sees you????? There are some foreign coaches who, as a group, are famous for soliciting anytime - anywhere. I've heard similar lines before and just smiled, knowing full well what the coach was getting at.

Next time just smile and say 'yes..her coach is doing a wonderful job and we are really happy with her'. Maybe that will end the comments. Once soliciting coaches see that it is pointless, they usually ignore you.

flo

03-26-2007, 09:19 AM

Get another coach.

herniated

03-26-2007, 09:21 AM

I agree with everyone too. I've been in a similar situation. The coach wasn't comparing me to my child (my child does not skate), but the coach would get very angry with me when I couldn't get something. By the way I was about 40 at the time. I had this coach for almost two years and it got worse as time went on. I too felt like quitting and maybe this just wasn't my 'thing'.

I spoke with the coach each time saying how I could not be spoken too like that. The coach would apologize, but eventually the same behavior would happen. So... I got a new coach!! And, I couldn't be happier. And even better, my skating has improved tremendously! A coach should be positive, realistic and a motivator.

Good luck and please keep skating.

Laura H

03-26-2007, 10:10 AM

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sure in her mind she is just joking around but when it HURTS it's just not that funny any more. Anyway, isn't it HER job to teach you?? So if you're not getting it . . . that's her problem too. If you stick with the group lessons, definitely bring up the comment and ask that she not make those comments as they are not helpful. But if the group environment isn't doing it for you, privates may definitely be the way to go. Unfortunately, with the group classes, you are kind of stuck with the teacher assigned to you. Whereas in privates YOU are in charge!! ;)

Anyway, keep your chin up and don't get down about it - skating IS frustrating!!

(oh, and I should mention - I feel your pain - my almost-9 y.o. DS is quickly pulling away from me - I finally did learn the salchow but he has gotten the flip and loop in the meantime!!).

Isk8NYC

03-26-2007, 10:18 AM

Unfortunately, with the group classes, you are kind of stuck with the teacher assigned to you. Whereas in privates YOU are in charge!! I hadn't realized that AW1 (the original poster) was saying that this is her current group instructor; I thought the coach was passing by with a snide remark. Laura H is correct that you are in charge of the private lessons: the coach is your employee that you choose yourself. (Some rinks try to "assign" the coaches, but they can't force you to accept their choice of coaches.)

As for the group lessons, it is true in most cases that you're "stuck." However, the LTS programs I teach for WILL move a student to another group if there's a conflict with the instructor. It's not always possible, but they do try if asked. You might have to change days or times to manage it, though.

Now I'm mad: she's the instructor, you're her student, and she tells you to have a five year old teach you what she can't/won't get across in classes? I'd be in trouble: the New Yorker in me would reply "Yeah, you're right. A five-year old could probably teach it better than you."

Talk to the Director and get a different coach or a refund. (Honestly, they should give you a free private lesson for the failed ones that this ninny pretended to teach.)

If she's recruiting, choose someone else.
Most importantly, don't listen to her and don't quit. You'll enjoy it much more when she's out of the picture. Hang in there.

3skatekiddos

03-26-2007, 12:34 PM

I'd be in trouble: the New Yorker in me would reply "Yeah, you're right. A five-year old could probably teach it better than you."

.

I had to LOL at that. I would be tempted to say the same.
I think (FWIW) that she is trying to compliment your DD. I think it's unfortunetly at your expense. Hang in there and SWITCH COACHES !

Petlover

03-26-2007, 12:41 PM

Get another coach! Don't ever take from this one again!

Intentional or not, she is trying to foster a competition between you and your 5 year old daughter as to who can skate better. This is totally wrong and unacceptable! Don't let her do this to you and your daughter! If at all possible, I would not let your daughter take from her either.

cecealias

03-26-2007, 12:44 PM

This is sort of a side note but here are reasons why you should not quit skating or any other form of exercise you'd enjoy -- especially as an adult :

Old age brings on a bunch problems namely:

1. diabetes
2. hypertension
3. high blood pressure
4. heart disease
5. weight gain - which can turn into obesity
6. bone density loss
7. loss of flexibility
8. slow reflex time
.... plus more as side effects from older age diseases.

As they say, balance, coordination, weight loss, exercise, increase flexibilty and reflexes can save your life!!! In addition social time keeps older folks mentally and emotionally healthy.

So unless you want to end up in the hospital getting a triple bypass or a foot amputated from a sedantary lifestyle, be sure to get crackin' on the ice!! It is much better for you falling on your ### from trying a triple salchow instead of cramming a triple whopper burger into your mouth!!

dbny

03-26-2007, 03:58 PM

There is nothing worse than a coach who brings you down. I'm just recovering from that, and it's taken me a good year and a half. Dump her pronto and find a coach who encourages you to feel good about your skating.

LilJen

03-26-2007, 07:05 PM

Oh, man. . . as a kid I had a ballet teacher (the only one in town, so you had no choice) who was a real yeller. I was/am not the sort who responds well to yelling. So you have my sympathies. . . I'd definitely mention it to her (eg, "When you say I should have my 5-yo kid teach me, I feel belittled and like you think my skating is a joke" or whatever), but if there's a language barrier and there's just an inability to communicate, find a different coach! If you can't have anyone else for group lessons, go for the private lessons. I hope you can find a coach who helps you enjoy and appreciate what you CAN accomplish and will celebrate your achievements with you.

doubletoe

03-26-2007, 07:11 PM

Let her know that it is not your daughter's job to teach you, it is your COACH's job.

Sonic

03-27-2007, 03:40 AM

Let her know that it is not your daughter's job to teach you, it is your COACH's job.

Totally.

And, er D'UH - but your coach should expect a five year old child to make faster progress than an adult, what planet does he/she live on? As others suggest, if things don't improve, try another coach. Don't give up skating!

S xxx

Sessy

03-27-2007, 06:45 AM

The Moscow-born girl in me would also go with the "yes, a 5 year old probably would teach it better than you" reply... A more delicate approach would perhaps be to just plainly ask her, "what are you getting at/implying?"

kayskate

03-27-2007, 08:04 AM

Since the coach's 1st language is not English, her intentions are probably not as bad as her words feel. Does she speak to other adult students like this? Does she have other adult students? The way you explained your synchro situation, it sounds like someone on the team set you up w/ this coach. Is this person the synchro coach?

Simple solution: you need to choose your own coach. Ask at the skating school for a list of instructors who work w/ adults. Arrange trial lessons w/ those who interest you. Since adults tend to analyse more than kids, you may want someone who speaks English natively. You may also prefer a coach who is in your age group. As an adult, you need a coach you feel comfortable communicating w/. Not that this is not true of kids, but I think it is really important for adults.

Don't give up. Kids learn much faster for a variety of reasons. No one (including yourself) should compare you to your 5 yr old daughter.

Kay

AW1

03-27-2007, 07:08 PM

Since the coach's 1st language is not English, her intentions are probably not as bad as her words feel. Does she speak to other adult students like this? Does she have other adult students?

Sorry I must've typed too fast and omitted parts. I don't know if she says similar things to other adult students as there are only a couple of parents who skate there. She only teaches adult skaters in our learn to skate groups, like I'm currently in at Skate School.

The way you explained your synchro situation, it sounds like someone on the team set you up w/ this coach. Is this person the synchro coach?

Yes I had no choice in the matter here - they needed a coach and she was the only one willing and able to do it on the day/time we had our syncrho sessions. I am no longer with that Synchro team anyway, but this was one of the reasons I left ... I just didn't learn well from her.

Simple solution: you need to choose your own coach. Ask at the skating school for a list of instructors who work w/ adults. Arrange trial lessons w/ those who interest you. Since adults tend to analyse more than kids, you may want someone who speaks English natively. You may also prefer a coach who is in your age group. As an adult, you need a coach you feel comfortable communicating w/. Not that this is not true of kids, but I think it is really important for adults.

Unfortunately at our Learn to Skate classes, we are given an instructor for our group and that's it. There are barely more than 20 LTS's in my level covering all 3 days they offer LTS classes, and I know that this level she teaches regularly.

I think I am going to just not go to LTS any more, and go to 1 private every fortnight with my daughter's coach, who I know and trust is capable of teaching me.

MQSeries

03-27-2007, 07:52 PM

At what point does it just become not worth it anymore :?:

When you start to complain more when you're on the ice than when you're off it then it's a good time to at least walk a way from skating for a while.

SkatingOnClouds

03-27-2007, 11:46 PM

If you come away from lessons feeling bad about yourself and/or your skating, the this is not the right coach for you. If talking to her and explaining how her comments make you feel doesn't result in changed behaviour, then I think your alternative of just having the private lesson makes sense.

southernsk8er

03-28-2007, 03:35 PM

i agree with with everyone on here - don't give up because of this idiot coach! if you really want to stay with group lessons, i suggest talking to others in the class and find out if they don't like this coach either. i had an incredibly bad coach when i started in group lessons, who obviously did not want to be with the adults. we all banded together and wrote e-mails and complained to the learn to skate director until she gave us a new coach. the adults and the bad coach were all much happier after that.

if you switch to private lessons with a good, encouraging coach, i think you will find you'll learn much faster. you get one-on-one help, and hopefully you build a rapport with someone who genuinely cares about your progress.

good luck to you!

jskater49

03-28-2007, 03:41 PM

i agree with with everyone on here - don't give up because of this idiot coach! if you really want to stay with group lessons, i suggest talking to others in the class and find out if they don't like this coach either. i had an incredibly bad coach when i started in group lessons, who obviously did not want to be with the adults. we all banded together and wrote e-mails and complained to the learn to skate director until she gave us a new coach. the adults and the bad coach were all much happier after that.

I would be VERY careful and even recommend against that approach. THat could backfire and end up making you look bad. You could look like you were stirring up trouble, encouraging others to badmouth another coach, getting others involved in what is an issue between you and her ... not a good idea in most cases.

j

SkatingOnClouds

03-28-2007, 06:30 PM

I have been through something a bit similar with a cello teacher. She was a very competent teacher, very knowledgeable etc. However I came away from lessons feeling bad about my cello playing, and hopeless about myself. Occasionally I came away inspired and elated, and that was what kept me going to this woman. I felt I ought to be able to learn from her.

In the end though, I just stopped wanting to play cello. Oddly enough, right about the time I started skating again. I found something that made me feel good about myself.

Skating is beautiful. You should come away feeling good about yourself. We all have frustrating days, when we wonder whether we will ever get it right, whether it is worth the time, money and energy. But the good days should outnumber the bad.

I too, wouldn't recommend "ganging up" on this coach. Others may relate to her really well. Find someone who you relate to well, someone who helps you feel good about yourself and your skating.

Sessy

03-29-2007, 08:40 AM