How not to push my child too hard - and still get results?

[SkatingOnClouds]

Background: My daughter is almost 9. She has Asperger's Syndrome (a variant of Austism) and is a very strong willed child. She has been skating and taking lessons for about 6 months, and is just about to take her Aussie Skate Novice 1 test this Saturday, and will compete at the Novice level in her first competition in a month.

I skate too, single jumps and basic spins, so it is something we do together.

To me she seems to have a natural talent for skating (Skating mum altert !!) She has good posture, lovely arm lines, and is picking the skills up quickly.

I really want her to do well in the upcoming competition, for her self-esteem and to encourage her to continue to want to do well at skating. Where we live it is an unusual sport to be involved in, and she gets kudos from her schoolmates because she skates. For a child who is a bit different, and sometimes not as good at stuff as the others, it is nice for her to succeed.

Experience tells me that if I push too hard, I risk turning her off skating altogether (I used to be a cello mum). I try to leave the coaching of skills to the coach - who is also my coach - because I know that my trying to coach her is a recipe for disaster.

How can I encourage her to practise her program elements, and encourage her to present the program rather than merely skate it, without being pushy and putting her off?

[dbny]

How can I encourage her to practise her program elements, and encourage her to present the program rather than merely skate it, without being pushy and putting her off?

From my own unfortunate experience, I would say that you should stay completely out of it except for admiring her skills as warranted. Be her cheerleader, and let her coach work on her presentation skills. It's part of the job.

[Chico]

dbny gave you great advice. Be your daughters best supporter and let her coach be her director.

Chico

[Tennisany1]

I agree with both Chico and dbny; however, you can also role model the kind of behaviour you want your child to have. When you skate together work on your program elements and when you run through your program really sell it eventhough it is only a practice. You don't need to comment on any of it - just provide an example for her to follow or not. I noticed a marked increase in practice intensity after my little one watched one of my tennis lessons from the side lines. She made a comment that she was going to work on her sit spin (which she had been avoiding) the same way I worked on my spin serve!

It is so hard not to say something when you think they are not practising as they should. Sometimes I slip up and make a comment and it has never helped. I guess while my little one learns to skate I'm learning to keep my thoughts to myself. :P

[iceygold]

Your daughter does not have to place well to boost her self esteem. Tell her just go out and skate, have fun and try her best.

If she can come off the ice saying I did my best, I could do no better that is all any parent should need to hear.

We used to say it to our daughter. Don't worry about other competitors the only thing you have to beat is that block of ice out there. Always go for a PB (Personal Best).

My daughter used to have comps where she was critical of herself saying that was not my best and many other times when she would come off saying that was the best I could do.

[iceygold]

Please do not teach your daughter that winning is everything. I have seen so many skating parents trying to live their own dreams through the child. It is heartbreaking sometimes to see what they do and to see what spoiled brats the children turn out to be. I have seen young skaters who abuse their fellow competitors on the podium because they did not win.

Encouragement is the best way to get her to practice her elements. Tell her how proud of her you are.

[SkatingOnClouds]

Your daughter does not have to place well to boost her self esteem. Tell her just go out and skate, have fun and try her best.

If she can come off the ice saying I did my best, I could do no better that is all any parent should need to hear.

We used to say it to our daughter. Don't worry about other competitors the only thing you have to beat is that block of ice out there. Always go for a PB (Personal Best).

Absolutely, I am careful not to give her the impression she has to place in this thing. We are always telling her that her best is all we could ever ask of her, at anything she does. She was a much congratulated for her 28th out of 35 in the cross country race yesterday as she would have been for winning.

I don't think she feels pressured, or at all anxious about the competition, I guess it is more me wanting her to do well, while desperately trying not to communiate that to her.

[Isk8NYC]

I'm a member of the "sit back and applaud" club.

My oldest daughter doesn't have a competitive bone in her body for anything. She does have a lovely voice, but she always sang very quietly. We took her for lessons, private coaching, recitals. We really pushed her because she had potential (and perfect pitch.) She never wanted to practice and eventually stopped taking lessons. She still sings, but she won't do auditions or solos - just chorus groups. As a result I haven't actually heard her sing by herself in quite some time. (She won't even do Karoake parties solo.) We stopped pushing, figuring she wasn't interested.

Last week, she volunteered to sing the National Anthem for our skating show on Saturday. She did one run-through tonight at the rink (a capella) using the sound system. I was in tears - she sang it beautifully and I was stunned by how "big" her voice was.

Sometimes, it's enough to just start them off and let them find their own way. You should have your daughter read Michelle Kwan's autobiography - it's very much about being a self-starter and responsible for your own achievements.

[BatikatII]

As a parent, watching your child skate in competition is one of the most difficult things you can do. I find it far more nerve-wracking than skating myself. I now try to video her performances mostly as it hleps me to keep my nerves under control.

On the way to any competition I always remind her that the important thing is that she enjoys it and tries to stay relaxed and that winning anything is a bonus but the important thing is to try and skate the best she can.

She loves to skate but is not obsessive about skating and not highly competitive. We often enter only our own rinks open and maybe 1 other in a year, though for the couple of years she skated pairs with her brother they skated in quite a few competitions and did pretty well, winning numerous cups. In a way this was more to please their coach who they adored than for themselves.

Win or not, I would always try to find something afterwards to congratulate her on. e.g a new jump landed, or a brilliant spin. If we looked at photos or video later, I would comment both on things that looked great and on ways to make things look better but always taking the positive angle 'it might look even better if.......', rather than the negative -'that wasn't good - you should......'

Neither of us were prepared to put our all in to skating as we wanted a life too, so we have never been the type to be at the rink every day. Even when skating pairs and singles, she and her brother rarely had more than 3 half hour lessons per week and these they shared. Neither of them were very good at practising either which did drive me mad but they seemed to progress pretty well without much in the way of pactice.

Daughter has actually just won her first gold medals in an open for singles free skating, so perseverance has paid off even though we have no Olympic or even National (UK) ambitions in the sport.

Son has recently given up altogether when their coach returned to his home country. He was down to about one lesson a week and almost never practised but had a maddening amount of natural talent. There was period a few years back when he was reluctant to go to his lessons, particularly early morning ones and I'd find myself screaming at him to get out of bed. One day I realised how daft this was and simply told him if he wasn't ready when we were then I'd go without him. He wasn't, we went without him and from then on I never had to shout at him again. (though admittedly there were a couple of occasions he did not come with us).

As a parent I think it is good to remember that your child can have a lot of fun in skating without taking competition too seriously.