I feel useless.... Just a sad vent... feel free to ignore

[cassarilda]

We went to ice dance club today.... I was all pumped, ready to do a few dances, mainly the ones hubby had taught me last night... :P

We got there nice and early... got ready,.. hopped on the ice... and what was the dance they were teaching everyone today? One where the girl has to go BACKWARDS!!!!!!!! 8O I wasnt happy... one of the guys came up and taught me the mohawk and 3 turn (or WHATEVER its called)... and then left me to it...

I was very happy practising for about 30mins... until I looked up and realised that hubby hadnt come up to ask me to dance.. he was too busy with the gorgeous girl who COULD skate.. and whilst she was a beginner in dance, she's done figure skating so had all the skills.... :(

I felt very disheartened when another half hour went past without ANYONE, NO men, came up to me to take me for a dance... :( I felt so useless.... sure I cant go backwards, but I can skate forwards pretty well, and I can hold my balance well, so I can do swings etc... but no-one asked.... So not only did I feel useless, I felt ignored and ugly...(why else wouldnt they ask me? said my brain).... :cry:

I had had enough, so with my traitorious eyes filling with tears, :cry: I hopped off the ice... Ive NEVER felt so disheartened before... I KNOW I can do this, but my body just doesnt want to do it!!! :frus: :(

When I was sitting down, with 10mins to go in the session, hubby comes up and asks if I wants to do a dance, but I felt so much like an afterthought, it was terrible... :(

I really dont mind hubby dancing with other girls... I know it sounds like it, but I dont really.. it would be stupid if I did... its just that I would like a dance as well!! Sometime in the middle would be nice so it can at least seem like he WANTS to dance with me...

He did say everytime he talked to me (ONCE!!) or looked for me, I was either busy talking (but not dancing.....) or wasnt around.... And that I should have come up to him and asked for a dance... :roll:

But i mean REALLY... how possessive would that look? He is in high demand because he is a really good skater, and they only have about 3-4males who really know the dances... so how bad would it look for me to go up to him and ask him to dance when he's in the middle of something with someone else???? I dont want to seem like the possessive wife.. :(

Oh its just terrible.... I cant handle it... :( Im disappointed in myself because I just cant to seem to get it... the guy who instructed me a little bit came up afterwards and did say that it would be easier when I get fitting skates because I am easy to teach, because I know my centre, and can understand what he's saying cos Ive done dance before.... but I dont know.... I seem like a total failure.. and all cos I CANT GO BACKWARDS, and no-one danced with me.. or even offered!!!!!!!!!!!! :cry:

I want to be good so I can skate with hubby, and people would stop saying he's a good match for this other chick, and say it about us... No, thats not the reason... I just want to be able to dance with him so that we can do just that... DANCE, and have fun....... I want to be good for myself, but also for him...

I feel very useless and disheartened at the moment. :( :cry:

[SkatingOnClouds]

Boy, did you have a bad day! Commiserations.

Wish I could do more than say keep your chin up - it simply has to get better from here.

[cassarilda]

Boy, did you have a bad day! Commiserations.

Wish I could do more than say keep your chin up - it simply has to get better from here.


Id be worried if I got worse!!! :( :roll: :)

I'm still determined to do it.. I just wish that there was more time that I could practise.. but there isnt enough ice time as it is.. (again - only rink in Melbourne) and its about 1 hr away from me.. plus i cant afford it... anyway! :roll:

[SkatingOnClouds]

There's only one rink in Hobart too, and it's much smaller than Oakleigh. I skated at Oakleigh once years ago, I got quite puffed out going around it because it is so big compared to ours. :D

Yeah, there's never enough ice time or money to buy ice time, I agree. We do what we can with what we have though.

There was a new skater at Aussie Skate today, maybe 8 years old, had never skated before. When it was time to get off she protested "But I want to stay on there forever". I know how she feels.

[TashaKat]

but no-one asked.... So not only did I feel useless, I felt ignored and ugly...(why else wouldnt they ask me? said my brain).... :cry:

That's why I went to our Dance Club once and never again. Even though I was a reasonably good skate at that point (testing foxtrot and fourteen step) I wasn't one of the cliquey 'in' crowd plus (as I was told) I was a 'free skater'!!

One man (one of the organisers) DID ask me to dance but then abandoned me half way through because I was trying to do the 'proper' edges ...

So I know how you feel.

If I had a partner and he hadn't asked me to dance at least once, knowing that I was playing gooseberry, I would have reamed him out big time so I can completely understand your hurt.

I know it's easy to say but try not to beat yourself up. You sound like you're doing well and Dance isn't half as easy as it looks. You're not useless and I very much doubt that you're ugly (I've not even got a partner never mind a husband :) ).

[cassarilda]

OK... So Im slightly over the initial bad part of the day.. Ive come down from my disappointment, and my stubborness has reared its head again ;)

On the mention of Aussie Skate, I realised that Oakleigh has this as well... on Saturdays and Sundays from 9.15am - 10am, with the public session afterwards...

So.. i thought, "Why the hell not?! Im a beginner, and none of them will know any different... especially if I grab a pair of hire skates that fit me more than my current ones!" So Im going to do it... I dont usually get weekends off, so I thought its now or never!

Im just hoping that at 22, Im not going to be too old... 8O

And I think part of my determination is that Im sitting here streaming music on my computer (I love broadband), and all I can think of is how good some of these songs would be for dances!!!! Are we allowed lyrics?

So.... off I am going again... :) I will be fine... Im determined and stubborn enough to keep trying until I am happy with myself... and I want a session where I come back and actually feel GOOD about it!

[stardust skies]

Well...I don't know if this helps but...logistically speaking, the ONLY reason no one asked you, is because you couldn't do the dance, right? There's nothing wrong with not being able to go backwards yet, you will someday. But in the meantime, if the dance called for going backwards, and you couldn't do it, then it's understandable no one asked you, because you couldn't have? I am sure everyone does think you are a great dancer and that you are beautiful (hey, I'm sure if your husband didn't think so he wouldn't have married you!) but if you cannot do a particular dance, they probably felt it better for you to work this one out on your own. I'm sure that if the dance had had the girl going forward, you would've been the belle of the ball.

Just a thought, I'm not sure I understood the whole thing correctly- I don't ice dance so I can only go by what you wrote. Cheer up! :)

[jazzpants]

Erinna... don't think of hubby not asking you to dance w/ you as you being an afterthought. Think of it as saving his last dance to do with you. ;)

Meanwhile, get thee to an ice dance coach and learn how to do those backward step!!! The sooner you learn them, the sooner you can practice more stuff with your hubby... and other men (and you get to make hubby jealous then!) :twisted:

[EastonSkater]

Let's put it this way. Before I knew how to do ice skating, I never dreamed of learning how to skate on ice, let alone going backwards. But in the end, I discovered that learning to skate backwards is really nothing after you take your time to learn how to do it. Anybody can do it. If a little kid can do it....then you can do it. Just takes a little time getting used to it. It's just as easy as skating forwards....as you'll eventually find out.

[cassarilda]

Well...I don't know if this helps but...logistically speaking, the ONLY reason no one asked you, is because you couldn't do the dance, right? There's nothing wrong with not being able to go backwards yet, you will someday. But in the meantime, if the dance called for going backwards, and you couldn't do it, then it's understandable no one asked you, because you couldn't have? I am sure everyone does think you are a great dancer and that you are beautiful (hey, I'm sure if your husband didn't think so he wouldn't have married you!) but if you cannot do a particular dance, they probably felt it better for you to work this one out on your own. I'm sure that if the dance had had the girl going forward, you would've been the belle of the ball.

Just a thought, I'm not sure I understood the whole thing correctly- I don't ice dance so I can only go by what you wrote. Cheer up! :)

They were doing other dances other than the one they taught that day... they go through a whole heap during the session - I know at least 2...

Anyway... and my brain was being unreasonable... I dont really think Im ugly... I dont really care what other people think... I just get unreasonable when Im frustrated... :)

Im sure I will get there in the end...

[AW1]

Im just hoping that at 22, Im not going to be too old...

Erinna, Heavens no, you're definitely not too old!!
I started Aussie Skate at 28 (last year), and one man I have in my intermediate class is 74! I can say that as someone who could skate very well forwards, aussie skate was a godsend because I can skate backwards now. I still am not fab at doing turns, but I'm going to take some lessons with my daughters coach.

I think from what I read into what you wrote about your husband, that it wasnt an after-thought to ask you to dance at all. Sounds like he may be in the same boat as you to a degree, in wanting to appear friendly and not over possessive of his beautiful wife.

Don't sweat it - it all takes time!! And boy do *I* know that!

[Sooky]

First off, no need to apologise for venting - what good's a forum if we're all on our 'best behaviour' and only ever talk about the things that go well?

Secondly, you have done a really brave thing in going to a club at all. Seriously, it is tough enough getting on the ice sometimes and overcoming the frustrations and insecurities that creep up on us all without dealing with the extra pressures of going to a place where everyone seems to know each other and what's expected.

Thirdly, you WILL learn and you will learn quickly - you've got enthusiasm, determination and from the perspective of a 36 year old, youth! Hang on to that - remember what you didn't know about skating even a month ago and compare it to what you know now . . .it's all progress even though it often feels like it is painfully slow.

Finally, marriage is often full of misunderstandings that I often think are much more gendered that we like to admit. I certainly can be guilty of expecting my husband of 14 years to 'know' what would have made me feel better whilst he is utterly bemused that I don't just 'tell him what I want'. I don't think there's an attached person in the world who hasn't felt rejected, insecure or upset, however irrational it may be. Don't tough on yourself or your partnership - try to celebrate the difference of the XY/XX chromosomes! Easy to say I know, but tough to do - the thing is though it's just as tough off-ice as on it, and has nothing to do with your different skills at ice dance. If it wasn't ice-dancing, it would be taking the rubbish out, leaving the loo seat up, noticing (or not) a new outfit, hair cut, weight loss etc!

Stick with it, use the forum (we're all rooting for you) and let us know how you progress because you WILL progress!

Sooky xxx

[Mrs Redboots]

That's why I went to our Dance Club once and never again. Even though I was a reasonably good skate at that point (testing foxtrot and fourteen step) I wasn't one of the cliquey 'in' crowd plus (as I was told) I was a 'free skater'!!Hmmm, I seem to remember that you went once, when we did, and Husband danced with you, tripped you up (as he has a habit of doing) and you went flying!

Erinna, I feel your pain. Most dance clubs have more women than men on them, and unless solo dancing is allowed (some clubs don't allow it, which means the poor women get colder and colder and colder - I avoid such clubs!), you end up propping up the barrier. Our club (our weekly one, not the one Tashakat was talking about which is now monthly) mostly has far more women than men, but occasionally not - once, for about twenty minutes I was the only woman to about 3 men. Even then, I stood there like a lemon at the start of the Willow Waltz and every single man went off to do it solo! Grrrrrr....

Husband is very good about dancing with other people, but then we end up in the situation where he doesn't dance with me enough! I have to remind him of the dances we're actually working up for test and competition so that he can dance them with me, and then dance everything else with other people. But that does mean I seldom get to play with a Foxtrot or a Blues, alas....

[nerd_on_ice]

I salute you for going to ice dance club in the first place! Give yourself credit for showing up and being willing to do what you could. :bow:

It sounds to me like you've got nowhere to go but up. And sometimes it helps to just vent all the negativity so you can start again with a clean mental slate. I hope you have (or rather "had," at this point) a great time at Aussie Skate--not that I know precisely what that is but it sounds like a good idea all the same. :lol:

[Isk8NYC]

Venting? On this Board? How dare you! Just kidding - we all do it at some point and it's okay so don't apologize.

Start with your frustration: to start building skills faster, take some lessons and start practicing.

Next, the jealousy: can you go to some sessions without your DH? That way, you'll be there to focus on YOUR skating, not what the "couples" are doing. Take your lesson there, so there's no distractions.

How about a few ground rules for the Dance Club sessions, such as first dance together, last dance together, and a smattering in between. Use "Ladies' Choice" and ask him first!

As TashaKat said, some clubs are rather cliquey, so start breaking down barriers and making friends now. Think about it also from the men's perspective: they knew you came with your DH, and that you're just starting to learn. Maybe they didn't want to push you.

This was your first visit to that session, give it another few chances before you write it off.

[phoenix]

You've just voiced exactly what I dislike about dance weekends here in the States. I've been to a few, and never got to skate much, even though I was at the silver level at the time. People told me that you just have to keep going to them because people need to get to know you before they'll pay much attention to you :roll: . I always thought it was because I'm so tall--I'm 6', so maybe no one wanted to skate with me......I don't know.

The last time I tried it, it was at my home rink......there was a DUTCH WALTZ playing (uh, think I can manage that one...), and *every single girl* was asked to dance except for me! I stood there feeling like a total outcast.....then removed myself from the ice, got my skates off and LEFT!! And went to a movie (Center Stage :mrgreen: ). At one point I even went up to someone who I wanted to skate with & asked him, and he said NO.

I've never, ever been back. I also do ballroom dancing, and there things are much better, I think because the guys are *taught* by their coaches that in a social dance setting, they are supposed to dance with *every girl in the room.* Ice dancers should be taught to have the same courtesy.

*rant over* I feel for you. Best advice I can offer is to be very chatty & friendly off the ice, so people will start to get to know you.

ETA: that is why, if I make it to AN next year, you WON'T be seeing me at the social dance!!

[Mrs Redboots]

I thoroughly enjoyed the social dance at AN last year! And danced with a great many people other than Husband (him, too!).

But I've been to social dances where I've been totally ignored, and had to wait until Husband deigned to remember I was there. Not at our club, or very seldom there, but recreational dance matches can be awful.

Sadly it's part of being a woman in an unbalanced sport!

[crayonskater]

I'd talk to your husband, and work out a deal where the first dance of your level that comes on, he dances with you, even if Tanith Belbin is there. ;) I suspect you two are doing this both for fun and as a sort of date, so he should pay attention to you.

And once people see you skating with him, more people will ask you to dance.

[EastonSkater]

I think if these problems continue, then better not continue with the ice dancing classes, because it might turn out into a massive misunderstanding and fight between you two. That's what happens when people get misunderstandings, or other things.

Or just have private lessons where only you two are being coached.

[DressageChica]

I am "skating" proof that you can progress very quickly. I've only been skating for a year and I landed loop and flip jump just the other week. But for me it's not just about the tricks either, I've actually been taught the finer points of skating. (However, I'm just lucky to be in one of the best, if not the best in my opinion heehee ISI rinks ever!) And dance is definately what taught me posture, neatness, cleanliness, etc. Although, I must constantly work on having even better posture, etc!

You will be awesome at whatever you are doing, if you just tell yourself that. It's so easy to get discouraged at first when EVERYONE is better than you, or at least that is how I felt. But then one day I just got tired of caring anymore and I decided to skate harder, push myself more, become agressive, and take risks. Of course then I fell more. But guess what? I have more speed, power, and confidence. Plus, I actually have some jumps, spins, and footwork that I never thought I would ever have!

At our rink we don't give a "flip" or a "half flip" what level you are on. Because every single one of our skaters is stellar. Our Alpha skaters are amazing. Sure, they can only do foward stroking and foward crossovers, but those crossovers are clean. And they have fab posture. So what, you can't skate backwards? Well, do what you CAN do really well! Stroke around the rink with great posture, extend your free leg, point your toe, keep your shoulders down, keep your head up, and smile! After you get yourself going start working on backwards swizzels, backward stroking, backward crossovers, whatever. Remember your posture, keep your head up. Practice it every time and I promise you will get it. Push yourself to be better. And most importantly, before you get off the ice, do something that you know you can do really well. Leave feeling good about SOMETHING. Even if it's just one three turn, or a pivot. You don't know it yet, but you have some move that is going to be awesome, and it's going to be "yours". Everyone will know what it looks like and they will die to be able to do it like you.

If people see you out there working hard, smiling, and being confident in yourself they will die to be your dance partner. I'm not saying this will all happen this week, next week, next month. But give yourself a good 6 months. You'll see vast improvements in 6 months if you really work hard. And the improvements that you will see in a year will knock your skates right off your feet.

Have fun!

[cassarilda]

Thankyou everyone for your replies.. :) I would like to say that everyone at ice dance club does seem very nice, but it is hard when I dont know when to skate as well as them... I dont mind falling over, but it makes me more obvious when no-one else is.. :roll:

BUT I took myself off to Aussie Skate today (some ridiculous time on a Sunday morning 8O ), and went in the very beginning class... and I went forwards (good to know my stroking is better than others :D ), forward swizzles and BACKWARDS swizzles, and I did a very small snow plough stop!!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! :D :D

In the public session afterwards, I did manage to do a 3 turn, and a mohawk (and then promptly forgot HOW I did it! :roll: )... I also managed one very painful , but apparently spectacular fall (so long as its spectacular, thats all that matters! :lol: )... and once I got the hang of the inside edge of the skates, I was doing backwards swizzles no probs!! :D

I used the hire skates this time, and whilst they were uncomfortable, my foot didnt ache within 5 minutes like my 2nd hand pair do, AND the rocker is actually under the ball of my foot.. NOT under my toes!! SO much better! :D

So YAY! I managed to accomplish the things I wanted to.. backwards and stopping... both need major work, but again, practise, and my new fitting skates, should fix that :D

So Ive decided that I wont skate in ice dance for a little bit.. well, maybe, but just a few basic dances... and do lessons on Sunday mornings, and then go back to dance club when I feel more confident... the reason Im conscious of going back to ice dance club, is that we only have that session once a week for the next few weeks, and then the space is taken over my ice hockey, and we wont get another session :frus: :frus: SO I would like to learn as much as possible in dance before then.. :)

Oh and we are buying a video camera, so we can tape each other to show progress!!! :D

[phoenix]

Actually, it's "swizzles", not 'twizzles'.....very different things. ;)

[cassarilda]

Actually, it's "swizzles", not 'twizzles'.....very different things. ;)

Thankyou.. fixed :D very similar in names.. and Im sitting here listening to the silly australian figure skating commentator going on about twizzles... that must be it ;) :D very confusing :lol:

[SkatingOnClouds]

Yay Errina, Aussie Skate is a good place to start. ( I guess the USA equivalent is Snowplough Sam??)

There are dance tests in Aussie Skate too once you get through the basic skills, so you don't need to do the jumps and spins if you don't want.

We get a really mixed bunch at Aussie Skate, from the tiny tots (6 and under) through to people in their 60's, although most would be in the 10-16 bracket.

Does sound like you would benefit from new skates though, ill-fitting skates are more of a hindrance than help, and rental skates won't help you progress far - not unless your rink has better than the usual rentals.

[mikawendy]

The last time I tried it, it was at my home rink......there was a DUTCH WALTZ playing (uh, think I can manage that one...), and *every single girl* was asked to dance except for me! I stood there feeling like a total outcast.....then removed myself from the ice, got my skates off and LEFT!! And went to a movie (Center Stage :mrgreen: ). At one point I even went up to someone who I wanted to skate with & asked him, and he said NO.

phoenix, I love that movie! Totally cheesy, but great dancing. Did you also enjoy "The Company" with Neve Campbell? She filmed the entire movie with cracked rib(s).