Of new rinks and skate moms....

[sue123]

So I went to the new rink today. It was daytime, and there was maybe 5 people on the ice, and a couple tots with their dads. Not too crowded. And 2 people who I skate with at the other rink. It was nice, colder than I'm used to, and the ice was harder than I'm used to, but also a lot smoother, and flatter. Took me longer to warm up because it was so cold, but after I did, it wasn't so bad. Got to do some nice spins, swing rolls, even attempted a couple waltz jumps.

One of the skaters was a little girl, looked around 6, but definitly no more than 7. Her mom was like a skating nazi. she was yelling at her to do this and that again, and nothing was ever good enough. THe poor kid was crying, and wanted to take a break, and the mom wouldn't let her. The kid does a spiral, picks her leg up to the heavens, and the mom tells her "Are you picking up your leg? Nobody can tell it's a spiral." I felt so bad for her. And then she starts getting all critical of her because she doesn't have her axel yet. Some moms are just so crazy. I don't think the kid was having any fun.

[dbny]

That is so sad. I'm sure the mom has no clue of the pain she is causing and the damage she is doing to her child. Maybe she will see another mom doing the same and have her eyes opened, but usually they just feel competitive with each other.

[samba]

I have seen this sort of thing happen so many times, the parents eventually get the message and realise they are wasting their time and money, as for the kids you never see them at an ice rink ever again.

[Skate@Delaware]

We had a beautiful skater at our rink-she was (is) talented and had it all going for her and a very push mother. The mother decided (after listening to a different coach) that her daughter needed extra coaches and extra skating and that the girl needed to drop out of school, become home-schooled and be geared towards the Olympics for the next time around so that's how the training was geared. They skated early in the morning, schooled for a few hours, did the ballet, weights, running, then more skating. This lasted two months and last I heard the girl refused to skate anymore. We never see her anymore.

It's so sad-had the mother let the girl go on her own who knows what would have happened. Either way, the girl was too old-14 and did not have any doubles. The mom figured if she pushed hard enough she could make up for lost time. I don't know how much $$$ she spent.

I hate to see a parent drag kids out on the ice-with the kids screaming and crying and clearly not wanting to be there! It's really hard not to interfere without causing a scene. Sometimes I skate by and ask if the little kid fell down, or wants a cone. I have a hard time butting-out :frus:

[techskater]

When I skated when younger, I had a friend (we were a month and a day apart in age) who was fantastic whose parents had a second mortgage and maxxed out credit cards to finance her skating. She was 14, had all her doubles and was close on a couple triples and was ready to pass her 5th figure (skating Novice when triples and double axels were rare in the mid-80s at that level). She even went to CO for the summer at her mother's "urging" to try and get them. In the fall, I couldn't wait to see what she learned over the summer and was so sure she'd be going to the Olys because she was so talented in a few years. I asked her coach what happened and she said she quit to go to HS! Her parents let her burn out from skating and pushing her too much. It's really sad when you think about it...

[Tennisany1]

...One of the skaters was a little girl, looked around 6, but definitly no more than 7. Her mom was like a skating nazi. she was yelling at her to do this and that again, and nothing was ever good enough. THe poor kid was crying, and wanted to take a break, and the mom wouldn't let her. The kid does a spiral, picks her leg up to the heavens, and the mom tells her "Are you picking up your leg? Nobody can tell it's a spiral." I felt so bad for her. And then she starts getting all critical of her because she doesn't have her axel yet. Some moms are just so crazy. I don't think the kid was having any fun.

I'll start by saying that there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. That said, I am not a skater, but a skater's mom. It is one of the most difficult positions I have ever been in. I know there have been times when my parenting is less than stellar and it usually has nothing to do with the skating, it just seems to come out at the end of the day when we are at the rink and all hungry and tired.

When I tell people about my daughter (she is in kindergarten) and how often she skates, I can often see by their reaction that they think I am pushing her. I'm not. In fact, she would skate five days a week if I let her. She, on her own, has decided she will have an axel by the time she is 7. I limit her skating to 3 days per week so she has time to play with her friends and relax at home. I also see parents who push too hard, but there are also kids who push and burn themselves out at 14. It is a tough line to walk between letting your child follow their dreams and worrying about them doing to much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because a kid burns out it doesn't mean that the parents are to blame. When you take away the obviously abusive parents there is a huge grey area where the decisions can be very difficult. I like to believe that most parents have their kids best interests at heart. I know my kids say I worry way too much!

Just my 2 cents worth.

[crayonskater]

I just wish skating moms would realize if little Suzy hasn't landed her axel when she's 14, SHE AIN'T GOING TO BE THE NEXT SASHA and they need to get off her back. Pushy parents exist in many sports, but it seems unique to traditionally girls' sports that the options are 'Make the Olympic squad' or 'fail.' (Presumably because there aren't as many outlets for girls.)

[sue123]

I'll start by saying that there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. That said, I am not a skater, but a skater's mom. It is one of the most difficult positions I have ever been in. I know there have been times when my parenting is less than stellar and it usually has nothing to do with the skating, it just seems to come out at the end of the day when we are at the rink and all hungry and tired.

When I tell people about my daughter (she is in kindergarten) and how often she skates, I can often see by their reaction that they think I am pushing her. I'm not. In fact, she would skate five days a week if I let her. She, on her own, has decided she will have an axel by the time she is 7. I limit her skating to 3 days per week so she has time to play with her friends and relax at home. I also see parents who push too hard, but there are also kids who push and burn themselves out at 14. It is a tough line to walk between letting your child follow their dreams and worrying about them doing to much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because a kid burns out it doesn't mean that the parents are to blame. When you take away the obviously abusive parents there is a huge grey area where the decisions can be very difficult. I like to believe that most parents have their kids best interests at heart. I know my kids say I worry way too much!

Just my 2 cents worth.

I'm not saying all parents are like this, I know most aren't. But this particular woman would not let her daughter rest or take a break. I'm sorry, but for a 6 year old to not be allowed to take a break? That's just wrong.

I agree there is a gray area, kids pushing themselves too hard and making it look liek the parents are to blame. And granted, I'm not a parent, but if I was, if my kid was that young and said they needed a rest, I'd let them rest. They're not making the olympics at age 6. They should be able to enjoy the sport, not feel forced to do it.

[Chico]

Hate overhearing these situations. =-( Most adult skaters, coaches, and skating mom's have. There is no quicker way to end the joy of skatinig... These kids will rebel one day...seen it many times.

Chico

[TashaKat]

Tennisany1 - now you're MY kind of skating mum!

There are a few 'skating mothers' around there who are similar to the one that you describe, Sue, and they are an absolute menace not only to their kids but to the coaches and to everyone around them. As Chico says, though, very often they ruin the joy of skating for their kids and they end up giving up anyway which is a real shame.

You do get them in all walks of life, I remember vividly my friends' mum when we were dancing, she was a tyrant. All the other mothers would be backstage helping or in the audience and this woman would be in the wings hissing directions at her poor daughter. Her daughter was a decent enough dancer but never had the talent to 'make it' but she did enjoy dancing ... for a while. She was never relaxed enough to enjoy it and never did that well because she was tense and fearful of making a mistake :(

I'm not sure that it's predominantly female sports though, have you ever seen parents at a football match? 8O

[Tennisany1]

I'm sorry, but for a 6 year old to not be allowed to take a break? That's just wrong.

You're absolutely right here and I have seen some nasty power games played by both kids and parents around this issue. I think the most important thing a parent need to remember is that it is the kid's life and you can't force them to do something they don't want to do. What you can do is talk to them about finishing what you start whether it is skating lessons, ballet class, or t-ball. We have a rule that if you sign up for something you have to finish it. Sometimes there are unusual circumstances, but in general you need to stick it out. For ongoing things like skating we talk at the beginning of each session (Sept., Jan, May) about whether or not she wants to continue. We have also talked about listening to your body and knowing when you're tired and need to stop or take a day off.

The other side of this is the issue of cognitive development. Some six year olds have really long attention spans other can only concentrate for a few minutes. My little one is perfectly happy and able to concentrate through a half hour private lesson but does have difficultly remembering what to practice during practice time. Her ability to remember also varies greatly from day to day although I have noticed a marked improvement since she has started kindergarten.

I am also very lucky that we found a coach whose philosophy matches mine. ie, I want my daughter to have fun, learn the skills correctly (nothing worse than having to go back to relearn something!, and develop good self esteem. Everything else is a bonus.

[batikat]

So what do you do about the skating mum who believes no child should be on the ice at all, unless they are highly competitive and are aiming for the Olympics and that everyone else (adults included) is just taking up space that the competitive elite (including their child) should be enjoying.

We have one who, unfortunately in my eyes, has control of our skate club media and is prone to writing apparently derogatory comments about any skater who has not taken tests or done better than previously in any competition.

This lady cannot concieve of the idea that kids can skate for fun and as a sport and hobby with no desire to be Olympic champion. My daughter and others in our club no longer compete very often because of unkind write ups in the past.

To be honest even I'm in two minds about competing this year since whilst I know she doesnt care much about adult skating I know we will get written about - with the usual putdowns first about the adult championships being open to anyone and not requiring qualifying like kids comps - and since I am not likely to do as well as last year I can do without the sort of comments I know I am likely to get.

This is someone who can write about a club artistic competition that 'it wasn't very entertaining' ,when everyone else has thoroughly enjoyed it and 'it's all down to mum's spending money on costumes and props' (which it wasn't) and yet when some elite skaters entered and won it was words to the effect of what a great night and wonderful that so many parents were prepared to get involved.

I never had any illusions about my kids going to the Olypics but I did push my kids on the ice sometimes when they were not working hard as when you have spent good money on ice time it is galling to see the kids wasting time. However they knew that they were at liberty to give up at any time but my stipulation was that they would have to inform their coach themselves. They never wanted to do that as they really liked him a lot and so they kept going - in my son's case he only stopped when their coach moved away.

[Isk8NYC]

My daughter and others in our club no longer compete very often because of unkind write ups in the past.

Can you request that he/she not mention your daughter in the writeup? You can cop out and say that you don't want the attention/publicity, citing some privacy concerns, or be honest and say that your daughter skates for fun and the writeup seems to be for more competitive skaters. You don't want her to become discouraged.

Personally, I'd toss the writeup without reading it - each and every issue. I'm sure it's posted on the wall, though, so that wouldn't happen.

Another approach would be to offer to write that section of the document and be supportive and fair to everyone.

[crayonskater]

I'm not sure that it's predominantly female sports though, have you ever seen parents at a football match?

I have! And some of them are nuts! But I see a lot more kids whose parents just drop them off at practice, and are fine with them winning a middle-school track meet without insisting that the kids spend all their time training like an Olympic champion.

There's exceptions, of course, but it seems that dance and skating - perhaps due to the high cost - seem to carry parental expectations that other sports don't. If I were to sample the 20 girls I knew that ran track, versus the 20-or-so figure skating girls I knew, the percentage with pushy parents is a lot higher in skating.

But I agree with Tennisany1 (who sounds like she's doing a great job) that sometimes the kids push themselves too much; but in that case I think it's the parents' responsibility to provide balance.

[Mrs Redboots]

To be honest even I'm in two minds about competing this year since whilst I know she doesnt care much about adult skating I know we will get written about - with the usual putdowns first about the adult championships being open to anyone and not requiring qualifying like kids comps - and since I am not likely to do as well as last year I can do without the sort of comments I know I am likely to get.Don't you dare not compete this year, Batikat - you're really beginning to get good, and I know several people would miss you (myself included) if you weren't on the circuit! Just don't read the club newsletter - and if necessary, tell a club official why you don't read it. And tell the author she's way out of order mentioning any child skater without written permission from their parents.

But I found this whole issue of children and sports very difficult. My own girl could possibly have been a great swimmer, as she was really very good indeed for her age, but we really weren't the kind of parents to take her to a swimming-club! And she only started skating (and started us on it) at the age of 14 when she had the opportunity to go with her school. My S-I-L, on the other hand, did push her daughter at their sport, dressage, and although we felt she had been too pushy sometimes, the end result is that my niece is on the Great Britain under-21 team, and performed extremely well in their European Championships last year, only just missing out on an individual medal!

But how many little girls do fulfil their, or their parents' dreams?

[b2tfuture]

As a former "skating Mom" I have also seen it all. Parents that push for their kids to be the best, yell at them, tell them how to skate and drop tens of thousands of dollars on them only to see them quit in their teens.

I am proud of how I handled my son in his competitive years. I remember his first year skating, he was 9. He got an axel in a matter of months, but at the time we had no clue what an axel was. I remember everyone in the club talking "Wow he has an axel, that is amazing!" Both my husband and I thought nothing of it because we did not understand skating. My son quit at 18 and went to Disney on Ice. Skating has been good to him, despite the judging problems along the way and the disappointments that came along with it. He had some success and I felt blessed to just be able to watch him everyday. Bottom line, I was proud of him all the time whether he placed or not at a competition. Kids that skate are all amazing. I cannot imagine going out on the ice, all alone and being judged. Most of them handle it with great maturity. I would love to see some of those yelling parents go out there and do what their kids do. They would not last a minute.

Skating teaches are kids more than just skating, they generally are very disciplined and mature for their age. I believe it helps them in all walks of life, especially in school. If you check, most skaters are high academic achievers, and that is something to be proud of.

[Tennisany1]

So what do you do about the skating mum who believes no child should be on the ice at all, unless they are highly competitive and are aiming for the Olympics and that everyone else (adults included) is just taking up space that the competitive elite (including their child) should be enjoying.

We have one who, unfortunately in my eyes, has control of our skate club media and is prone to writing apparently derogatory comments about any skater who has not taken tests or done better than previously in any competition....

Oh my! That is just too awful. Something needs to be done; however, I don't think you will ever change the mom, you just need to figure out how to minimize the damage she does. Is it possible she could write the elite or competitive column for the newsletter and you could do the "developing skaters report?" This would allow you to write a supportive article highlighting the hard work and improvements made by skaters who are not part of the ultra competitive elite group. I also agree you should ask that the club have a privacy policy in place so that written permission is required to publish a skater's name.

The irony, of course, is the chances of anyone being the next Kwan, Cohen, or Asada must be about a million to one. So many mothers seem to suffer from the big fish in a small pond syndrome. Their kid may be very advanced compared to others at their rink, but out in real world it is so rarely so.

My little one skates with kids two to four years older than her. Yes, it looks impressive, but I know that if I were to take her back to a big club in Toronto or Montreal the comparison would be completely different. Do I care? No. She is having a great time, has great dreams, is very fit and becoming very flexible. She has also made some wonderful friends. If she turns out to be that one in a million - wonderful - if not, life will go on and teaching skating while going to university is a great part time job.

[Chico]

When I first started skating I ran into the skating mom from hell. (Not physiically!) I was very shy and didn't know the scoop at the rink. Anyhow, I had a lesson. She wanted her child to get an unscheduled lesson. "The real skater, her child, wanted a lesson." I backed down right away and told my coach that it was okay. My coach got so mad it was amazing! Not at me, but the mom. She grabbed my arm and said, "She IS a real skater and your child is NOT getting a lesson from me." I could have kissed her. The mom was MAD and went out of her way to be unkind to me at later dates. I've been skating many years now and the skating parents are very supportive of me. The mom, who was one of THOSE mom's, is gone with her child. =-) Anyhow, ignore those folks/parents. As for the club, work as a group force with other parents/adults.

Chico

[twokidsskatemom]

I'll start by saying that there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. That said, I am not a skater, but a skater's mom. It is one of the most difficult positions I have ever been in. I know there have been times when my parenting is less than stellar and it usually has nothing to do with the skating, it just seems to come out at the end of the day when we are at the rink and all hungry and tired.

When I tell people about my daughter (she is in kindergarten) and how often she skates, I can often see by their reaction that they think I am pushing her. I'm not. In fact, she would skate five days a week if I let her. She, on her own, has decided she will have an axel by the time she is 7. I limit her skating to 3 days per week so she has time to play with her friends and relax at home. I also see parents who push too hard, but there are also kids who push and burn themselves out at 14. It is a tough line to walk between letting your child follow their dreams and worrying about them doing to much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because a kid burns out it doesn't mean that the parents are to blame. When you take away the obviously abusive parents there is a huge grey area where the decisions can be very difficult. I like to believe that most parents have their kids best interests at heart. I know my kids say I worry way too much!

Just my 2 cents worth.
As a mom who has a 6 yo who has the same goal, I agree.I cant stop her from having her own dreams and goals, which arent the same as mine.I would love if she wanted to do something else but skate, have her axle by 7, ect.......... and she has a cheated axle now !!
My skater skates alot but its what she wants, not what we want.If she skates till 10 and stops, fine by us.
I have also heard from parents.......... if you dont practice more, ..... my skaters name, will pass you by. Its sad.:frus: