Coaches' Subtle Jabs at Students [Archive]

jazzpants

04-22-2005, 03:06 PM

Here's a thread JUST for those of you to share those hilarious jabs that your coaches makes about your skating that makes you want to kill him/her but can't b/c you're laughing so hard...

I'll start with a few of mine (mostly from my primary coach):

1)
"Do you have any M&M???"
"No, why?"
"I was gonna say that that if you have any that it should go in your mouth...not in your hand!!!" (Complaining about my clinching my fist instead of letting my hand relax...)

2)
"I should stick toothpicks inside your gloves so that it'll hurt when you close your hand."

3)
Coach: "Are you looking for spare change?"
Me: "No!'
Coach: Then stop looking down on the ice!!!

4)
"Hey! Now that CoP is saying that doing a backspin on BO edge is a Level 1 a BI edge is considered to be a Level 3, maybe the judges will give you extra points on your backspin on your Bronze FS test after all!!!" (His jab on me b/c I start off on a BO edge but immediately fall onto the BI edge on my backspin.) And then he went as far as actually doing it himself... and then I declared my primary coach as LOCO and quickly skated away...

5)
"HEY! Less talking! More skating!!! Move it!!!" (I was saying hello to an on ice buddy I haven't see in a LOOOONG time, but it was 2 minutes before the ice cut...")

6)
"WOW!!! She finally got the power 3's on that side! Maybe next week we'll even get some POWER out of her!!!" (Commenting that I got my LFO3 side done right... but was slow as a slug!!!)

and my all time favorite where I just want to kill him but didn't b/c I'm laughing so hard...

7)
"Maybe you should go have a baby with your husband so we can open up those HIPS!!!" :twisted: (Complaining about my closed hip...)

mikawendy

04-22-2005, 03:50 PM

Lol, Jazzpants!! Great thread!

1. I was recently told I looked like I was on Quaaludes when I did a certain element. (Which then brought me to mention, during lesson, that at my dad's college, they gave out Quaaludes at the campus health clinic! He went to school in the 50's, and I doubt they do this anymore! If they did, it'd be an even more popular school than it is!) :)

2. Another great one was "Now what's with this lame-a$$ entry into your spin? Now I mean lame-a$$ in the nicest way." Tee-hee.
:)

NoVa Sk8r

04-22-2005, 04:07 PM

Very funny, jazz!

There have been many directed at me. I wish I could remember them all.

1. First pairs coach, responding to my statement that I just can't do the death spiral: "Can't means lazy!"

2. Current pairs coach, upon viewing the touch-down of the axel lift, said something like, "There are a million ways of ending a lift ... let's not make 'ugly' one of them."

3. Many coaches have echoed this sentiment: "Steve, how is it that you can bring your leg to your ear or above your head, but you can't do a simple crossover?"

4. Singles coach jokingly told me: "We really need to work on your arm movements. It would be good if they could distract the judges from looking at your feet."

Isk8NYC

04-22-2005, 04:21 PM

I always tell my beginners not to look down at the ice. "Nothing there but hockey player spit and no one wants to see that!" It's especially effective after they pick up some snow and put it in their mouth !!!! :twisted:

MannyisHOT

04-22-2005, 04:45 PM

1) My coach told me she was going to take her sons weights and put them on my hands so they wouldnt fly anywhere.... so the next day she took her gloves and stuck them on my hands and if they fell off it would mean i wasn't keeping my arms from flying everywhere and of course I was doing the european and i kept doing 3 turns and the gloves would fly off! :frus:

PattyP

04-22-2005, 05:28 PM

1. "If you skate that way in competition, you better find another door to get off the ice." (I was looking for that other door at AN on Satuday night :roll: )

2. "Is your weight up again? I can tell." I HATE that one... :twisted:

3. "That's a true camel spin, complete with the hump..." Referring to the lack of stretch in my position, when my butt is higher than my leg.

4. "Bend your knees! Don't stick out your bootie"

There are a ton more, just can't think of them now.

TashaKat

04-22-2005, 05:41 PM

"Oi, buddha butt!"
"I said that there was hope, I DIDN'T say that there was potential!"
"You look like a whale trying to get out of the sea"
"You're spinning so fast that I can count your eyelashes"
"Go towards the barrier .... I said GO TOWARDS THE BARRIER ...... HELLOOOOOO ...... THE BARRIER IS THAT WHITE THING AT THE SIDE OF THE RINK"
"No, not that left, the other left"
"You Donkey"
"Did you find what you were looking for?" (on the ice)
"Breakfast, let's see your breakfast" (meaning get your leg up on the spiral ... gross, I know 8O )
"Will you please stop looking at your feet they're not going to leave the end of your legs"
Similar to Jazzpants' "have a baby" one was being told to "flash" (actually it was a slightly more gross expression than that but I wouldn't want to use it on a public board!)
"You plonker"

Terri C

04-22-2005, 05:49 PM

Let's see, I have a few:
When I bail on a spin (sits especially)
Jill (coach): Terri, what am I gonna say??
Terri : Uh, ride the edge going in??
Jill: Who has told you this (reminding me of the umpteen coaches that have commented to me on this!)

This past week, while doing back power perimeter crossovers with secondary coach: "Turtles move faster than you!" She then proceeded to chase me around the ice. Now this was 4:30 on a weekday afternoon- prime freestyle time at my rink.

And the last one- this was yesterday morning on lesson:
"Terri- you have the pattern wrong (back power perimeter crossover)"
After a few minutes of working on said pattern - "Adults are so moves retarded"(she was working with one earlier on the forward power crossover move from the Adult Gold test)

jazzpants

04-22-2005, 06:00 PM

Oh, another one from a former secondary coach:

Coach: Everytime you two foot that landing on a loop you owe me a quarter!

After two footing a half dozen more loops...

Coach: At the rate we're going, I can afford to send my kids to college!!! :roll:

Same coach, different student who's trying for an axel....

Try #1: That... looks like a dead carcass...
Try #2: That... is a UFO... (Unidentified Flying Object) :P

cutiesk8r43

04-22-2005, 06:27 PM

good thinking! :)

it sounds kind of like my coach.only my coach says stuff like:
"I'm going to stick a rocket in your butt and light it if you don't start moving faster!"

"your slower than molasses in april!"

"move it! you old grandma"
~cutie ;)

iskatealot

04-22-2005, 06:35 PM

Great thread

Mine definitly are:
1) The time my coach drew a giant L on my left hand and R on my right so that when she said "ok right foot" I knew which was the right one (this is after about 9 years worth of me getting it wrong)

2) The all time classic. Suze is on the ice right before competition and coach asks
"NOW, what am I going to tell you?"
Suze answers (for about the 50 000th time) "Don't bite my lip, no blood at this competition, SMILE, pull in your arms, chin up, have fun....."
Coaches answer "ok then.......NO BLOOD!"

3) Suze jumps well for a change and coach asks "NOw did that feel different?"
Suze's answer "um no"

FrankR

04-22-2005, 07:37 PM

Here's a few choice quips that I've heard.

1. Regarding my camel spin: "You look like a poodle peeing!"
2. Regarding my toe-pushing: "Nice push beginner-boy!"
3. Regarding my scratching on my toe-picks" "Look, you're an adult so I feel that I can say this to you. Get the F--k off your toe-picks. Thank you."

There are many more but they tend to be a little off-color. :lol:

Frank

MusicSkateFan

04-22-2005, 07:53 PM

My in-line coach says when I fall...."I've already swept that part of the floor!"

TashaKat

04-23-2005, 12:45 AM

There are many more but they tend to be a little off-color. :lol:

Frank

LOL, yes I have the same 'problem' :lol: MOST of her quotes are far too risque or rude for on here. She used to video me and I couldn't always hear the comments until I played the video back .... let's just say that I had to be careful who I watched them in front of!

aussieskater

04-23-2005, 05:52 AM

(still PML at this thread)

When I do something and think that astonishingly I got it right for once, but can't work out how to repeat the experience, I have asked in all innocence "Wow! What did I do right??" and been rewarded with the answer "Umm, I don't know..."

dancergirl

04-23-2005, 06:25 AM

hhhhhhhm, not actually got any quotes, but have been called a cabbage and a limp piece of lettuce (with particular reference to my back camel) along with many other unprintable things. My coach now is nice tho!

coskater64

04-23-2005, 09:19 AM

So this tells me where my coach has been getting her remarks.

I usually get things like, "don't fall", very helpful advice there.
"Could you pull in your arms and legs together?" to which I usually reply, NO.
"Might I think about jumping out?" once again NO

"My feet are still attached so I don't need to check on them"
"Look up, there's nothing on the ice I haven't seen"

A few jokes about my height, marveling at my ability to bouce, and laughing about the fact that I have incredibly soft knees whenever I don't need them. You'll never see them in a dance, but you will see them in my back camel.

Of course, my coach is very kind most of the time, and really pretty funny overall.

:D

sue123

04-23-2005, 09:31 AM

I've gotten a few.

"The ice isn't going to melt on you, so look up."

"Your other left"

My coach is actually going to start making me wear 2 different color gloves because I always get my hands confused, especially when I do crossovers or 3 turns, I never remember which arm is in front.

"I'm going to make you start walking with your knees bent so you don't fall over every time you bend them."

"Come on, SQUEEEEEZE your tushy."

"It's ok to put your foot down if you lose your balance. It's not ok to fall on your butt."

"That had to be one of the most graceful falls I've ever seen."

Melzorina

04-23-2005, 11:42 AM

On an upright spin, I had trouble pulling everything in tight to get more revolutions, so I got told to "Squeeze your poo in"... :)

skaternum

04-23-2005, 05:38 PM

My first coach, while trying to get me to stop 2-footing a lutz: "It's a good thing you don't have a third foot, because you'd put that d*** thing down too."

My pairs coach, while we were doing a catch-camel pair spin where we faced into each other a little too much: "That looks like something I've seen in the Joy of Sex, volume II."

Mel On Ice

04-23-2005, 11:12 PM

my coach's not so sublt jab at me: "Oh for God's sake, will you just land that flip already?"

LoopLoop

04-24-2005, 05:03 PM

"Let me pull those feathers out of your shoulder" after opening up early on a double sal attempt.

"Maybe we could get you a detachable left foot" after two-footing yet another axel attempt.

"Don't fall. Falling is bad." from the first pairs coach.

mskater

04-24-2005, 06:45 PM

Great thread; I've actually heard a few of those mentioned from former coaches of mine:]

My coach now says:

1) Regarding my axel entrances "You're like an old Pentium computer processing an input command; just keeps thinking and thinking before anything happens" (Is much funnier in his Russian accent)

2) Regarding my overall slowness on the ice "You remind me of a Koala bear" and then he proceeds to mimic the slow languid movements of a Koala climbing a tree:]

He's got lots more; all on a theme of me being too slow!:]

sk8er1964

04-24-2005, 07:07 PM

My coach likes to give me either or questions. Like "would you rather drop your right shoulder on the double loop, or keep your shoulders straight?" To which I reply drop the shoulder, of course, because why else would I be doing it? :lol:

sue123

04-24-2005, 07:47 PM

FrankR

04-24-2005, 09:14 PM

Hello all,

I just thought of another one that was pretty good. A couple of times, during practice, I went to do an axel and I slipped off my take-off edge badly. Each time I went up at a really nasty angle but I somehow managed to land fully rotated just two footing it each time. This prompted the following exchange with my coach.

Coach: Oh my God! You had no right landing those axels! By all rights you should have landed on your head!
Me: But I didn't. I saved them...Yay me! :D
Coach: :roll: Yeah, I guess so.

LOL!! :lol:

I still laugh out loud when recalling that conversation.

Frank

windsor

04-24-2005, 09:33 PM

"Lobster claws" = my hand positions after landing jumps. I think I'm holding them in the proper balletic position - apparently, I'm a bit tense(!)

"Adult skaters are freaks. They were freaks when I was skating and they're freaks now." (How's that for encouragement?!)

On my questioning what I need to be doing to successfully accomplish something...spin, jump, whatever = "Um, coordination?!"

For my technique on entering jumps and the camel spin = "flinging"

icecatepairs

04-24-2005, 11:17 PM

ok frank...i think i know who made some of those comments...from the same coach i have gotten:

Do you even fu#@ing listen to me at all

is that the snow mans arms...(circles , placements brackets)

"i'm really mean to you...but most people cry way before third lesson

there were so many more i can't even remember them all

from my singles coach

"are you trying to jump under the ice" (low axles)

why don;t you try to jump with your arms folded...you are not using them anyway...

stop skating like a gymnast....

you skate like a truck lets not use swan lake for the program

axel toe loop? you mean axle shenay turn thing

you are not on the right edge...but maybe if you stay in one place the judges won't notice.

my pairs coach.....
you don't need a coach...you need a psychiatrist...don't worry i had parners as crazy as you

get your leg in..(star lift) no the other in...what is IN to you?????

i've never had a partner leave bruises ...ease up on the death grip...

throw jumps are your house ...lifts are his house ...your just a visitor ...

i don't care if you feel like you are going to die...STAY IN THE POSITION

first half again...YES WITH THE THROW AXEL...(in a thought bubble i saw the word duh)

there were osme other comments that i put up with being the only girl in the paris team-coach trio

well i'm sure in 7 years there were so many more..... ;)

jazzpants

04-25-2005, 12:33 AM

Okay, I have two more I have to share:

From same former secondary coach:
"Are you a Motorcycle Mama?" (Regarding my arm and hand position when I come out of a jump landing or a forward spin...)

And this one... THIS ONE take the cake... but requires a story:

My current secondary coach found this stray dog that likes to dig up the backyard before...ummm he does his duties. She posted a bunch of poster saying "Dog Found." The dog owner finally called up my coach and said...

Owner: "Oh, you've found Wee Wee!!!"
Coach: "Wee Wee??? You call your dog 'Wee Wee'?"
Owner: "Well, yeah! You probably already noticed that it likes to dig up the backyard and goes a lot..."
Coach: "That explains everything." :roll:

Unfortunately, when I do a forward stroke, I don't straighten my legs out enough. She said the legs reminds her of that dog as his digging up the backyard. So now whenever I do that, she yells out "WEE WEE!!!" Needless to say, I'm now really conscious on my forward strokes to make sure I straighten the free leg out on my forward strokes. :oops: :oops: :oops: (Of course, the rest of the freestyle session was TOTALLY cracking up!!!)

NoVa Sk8r

04-26-2005, 09:05 AM

From this morning (I finally returned to the ice and started up my lessons again):

Me: "Coach, it's time for new music. What do you think of me using some violin music."
Coach: "Wow, that's like mature music. Are you sure you're up to it?"

And then working on the gold brackets move (all of them save for the back outsides):

"Can you not make your leg look like you're a dog peeing? If we could avoid that, that would be great."
(And funny enough, her dog's name is Bracket!)

FrankR

04-26-2005, 10:49 AM

Hey there,

Here's a fresh one to add to the pile of ever-growing coaches' jabs. We were working on the back double threes on the gold test this morning and I received the following comment.

"Turn your !@#%$!#% head! If you don't turn your head before the three-turn you're going to DIE!!" 8O

I wasn't clear if that meant that if I didn't turn my head I'd lose my balance, fall and crack my skull open or if that meant that if I didn't turn my head he was going to shoot me. :lol:

Frank

Summerkid710

04-26-2005, 01:20 PM

My coach likes to yell across the ice:
"My dead grandma skates faster than you!"

I've heard another coach say:
"Maybe you should try bowling."

jeujeulovesme

04-26-2005, 01:41 PM

OMG, this thread is too funny, I'm choking in my office trying not to attract attention :P

I'm on some cough medication that's making my brain a little fuzzy and woozy right now so can't recall all the comments my coaches have said, but I remember this one (and many variations of it) because it happens on a very regular basis:

Coach - Remember, keep your free hip down!

(I go to do my jump and again my free leg swings wide and I barely hang on.)

Coach - Your hip, your hip, down down down...

(I repeat the phenomenom)

Coach - Your free hip is your left hip, not right!

(I again do it wrong).

Coach - !!! Okay, wait, let me show you (comes over, touches her own left hip, takes my hand to touch her hip then touch my own left hip and push on it.) See? THIS is your left hip. You have to keep it down to cross your leg when you jump so you don't land on your butt again!

(I concentrate really hard... oops.)

Coach - Aaarrrggghhh! HIP HIP HIP, WHEN DID I SAY KNEE!!!

And this requires a bit of a story. My nerves were so fried during my preliminary freeskate test that when the judge (a fellow adult skater I skate with sometimes) finally smiled and announced that I'd gotten 13 out of 14, all I said was "Oh, okay... what do I have to do next?"

Now, this was after me doing some stupid unexpected things that kids apparently never would in a test, such as:

- skating off the ice suddenly in search of my kleenex box,
- deciding in the middle of a flip that nope, I'm going to sit down, not land on my foot,
- showing off a camel spin that was so slow that my hands started pushing the air in a swimming motion trying to help, and
- nearly going right out the rink door screaming like a banshee while performing my LFI spiral (my bad one) -- seriously, I was within one inch of falling out the door... the judge was laughing so hard "Jeujeu exit, stage right!" while my coach tried to hide behind a pillar. Needless to say the rest of the skaters were staring open-mouthed at me.

So when I said "Okay... so what do I have to do next?" I was being absolutely serious and focused. My coach and the judge went silent and then finally my coach said, "Uh, nothing. 13 means you passed."

Then in the program part of the test when I went for my flip and actually landed it I whooped with joy before remembering my coach's specific instruction to "keep your verbal sound effects OFF in the test!" When I finished, it was silent in the rink for a moment and then suddenly there was a storm of applause. I was so startled I visibly jumped. I'd forgotten there were people watching! I tried a quick curtsy... and realized I didn't know HOW to curtsy on the ice without falling over!

The next day my coach said "Well, you passed. Congratulations. I've decided from now on I'm going to teach you exactly how I teach the kids. After yesterday, I've come to realize that you have a lot less intelligence on the ice than I gave you credit for!"

Ah, the happiness of adult figure skating!!!

Melzorina

04-26-2005, 01:50 PM

If your instructor is mean you to, be mean to him back!

I do, we constantly throw insults at each other, it's great.

phillyskater

04-26-2005, 03:38 PM

From my Russian moves coach:

"That was little less very bad."

When I look up kind of insulted, thinking I had vastly improved since the last pattern, he says:

"I mean...how you say...little good."

:giveup:

philly

icedancer2

04-26-2005, 04:08 PM

I had a coach ask me one time why I didn't skate like another adult skater, who was clearly (in his mind) better than I was.

I had no answer for that.

Didn't stay too long with that guy! :giveup:

icecatepairs

04-26-2005, 10:50 PM

TashaKat

04-27-2005, 12:12 AM

FrankR

04-27-2005, 07:18 AM

frank...in regards to your question about edwards comments about turning your head....both!!!! when you do novie 3 turns he won't have to kill you for not turning your head...you will die from your headfirst slide into the boards frst!!!!

Hey Tara,

Thanks for clearing that up! :lol: Hopefully I'll learn to turn my head before the three turn and it won't be an issue anymore. As for the novice move I am pretty much praying every night that the proposed changes to the adult moves in the field are approved. If they are, then they'll remove the novice move from the gold test and replace it with the inside slide chasse. I'm thinking of starting a prayer circle so that these changes go through. ;)

Frank

FrankR

04-27-2005, 07:23 AM

From a new coach who had been aggressively trying to poach skaters from other coaches and who had approached me on more than one occasion and had been told 'no' every single time:

"I wouldn't want to teach you anyway, you're far too fat to skate"

Erm, it was you who approached me lady!!! How to win friends and influence people :roll: 8O

Hi Tasha,

What an awful thing for that coach to say! :evil: I'm so sorry you had an experience like that. I wish you nothing but the best and I wish that nasty coach corns on her pinky toes! ;)

Frank

falling_rain

04-27-2005, 07:34 AM

my coach always tells me "i look more like a girl than you do!" and "it's just wrong that i'm more graceful than you!" the scariest thing he's ever said to me is "if you don't want to skate, get off the ice."

jenlyon60

04-27-2005, 08:21 AM

Coach today wanted me to open my hips more as I skate into each of the mohawks on the 2nd side of the Starlight...

"squeeze your butt like you have a hemerhoid" (or however you spell it)

skaternum

04-27-2005, 08:43 AM

Thanks to all the years of ballet, my hips are very open and, therefore, my legs tend to ... um ... splay apart. This presents a problem with elements that require closed or raised hips. My first coach, in attempting to get me to stop doing this, referred to that as my Wh**e of Babylon position. :lol:

Figureskates

04-28-2005, 01:56 PM

From lesson this morning.

After many attempts in getting me to open my hips doing a waltz eight.

Finally in frustration she yells, "open those hips up...pretend your giving birth".

I immediately stopped and stared at her and she totally lost it...she was laughing so hard her mascara was running...5 minutes later after we stopped laughing we continued.

windsor

04-28-2005, 02:00 PM

[QUOTE=NoVa Sk8r]
"[QUOTE]Can you not make your leg look like you're a dog peeing? If we could avoid that, that would be great."[/QUOTE

I've been told the same thing regarding my entrance into a camel spin.

quarkiki2

04-29-2005, 08:31 AM

My coach is an absolute dear -- very sweet and supportive. It's usually me cracking her up with my trademark self-depreciating wit.

Her best one, though, "I'm going to bring in a pregnancy sympathy belly for after you have this baby because you skate better pregnant than not!"

That and "Boobs to boobs, butt to butt" to the synchro team because our lines were too far apart.

TashaKat

04-29-2005, 02:39 PM

Hi Tasha,

What an awful thing for that coach to say! :evil: I'm so sorry you had an experience like that. I wish you nothing but the best and I wish that nasty coach corns on her pinky toes! ;)

Frank

Hee hee, thank you, Frank :) Love the thing about the corns and the pinky toes .....

kittie067

04-29-2005, 03:53 PM

my coaches constant chant:

bend your knee...extend...push....nabilah your going too slow!!!!!!!!!!!

then theres: Push!!! for the love of God!!!

then: Nabilah, how many times do I have to tell you not to rush the jump or you'll whip your free leg? (exhasted sigh)

and all through the lesson, so everyone can here as well:
TUCK YOUR BUTT UNDER!!!!!! 8O :oops: :oops:

I mean I got it, I got it !!! (i think everyone else on the ice does too! ;) )

But what's even more funny is when she starts clapping because I fell down (I hardly ever fall, so its an excitement I guess... :?: )

~kittie

coaches (sigh) :roll:

mikawendy

04-29-2005, 04:03 PM

Recently, when I was setting up for a half-lutz and couldn't get off my toe picks: "You're spazzing out on me!" :)

doubletoe

04-29-2005, 04:18 PM

Hey Tara,

Thanks for clearing that up! :lol: Hopefully I'll learn to turn my head before the three turn and it won't be an issue anymore. As for the novice move I am pretty much praying every night that the proposed changes to the adult moves in the field are approved. If they are, then they'll remove the novice move from the gold test and replace it with the inside slide chasse. I'm thinking of starting a prayer circle so that these changes go through. ;)

Frank

Frank, I'm joining your prayer circle! I'm hoping if I don't practice that novice move, it will just go away. ;)

jazzpants

04-29-2005, 04:28 PM

But what's even more funny is when she starts clapping because I fell down (I hardly ever fall, so its an excitement I guess... :?: )Ooooh, yes....

My primary coach does the same too!!! It's like "YAAAAY!!! Jazzpants fell down!!!" (claps) :roll: (It's the coach's way of saying "Take more risk, darn it!!!")

Secondary coach (to the person next to her): "Oh, jazzpants actually fell down!!! Amazing!!!" (Very sarcastic tone.) :roll:

And you better believe at that moment I want to kill 'em... LOL!!! :twisted:

Oh, and at my last lesson with primary coach, I totally had a big 3turn day and messed up my alt-FO3's by putting my free foot down before I should. Coach grabs my shoulders and gently yanks me as he says "That's it! I'm gonna make you fall down!!!" :twisted: :lol:

TashaKat

04-30-2005, 01:34 AM

Setting the scene:

I was having a lesson on our Free Dance with my then dance partner, my Free coach was stood watching and alongside them my friend was taking photos for my website.

We were doing a lift which was going well until he tripped on his toepicks ...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v146/TashaKat/Lift.bmp

Instead of being worried about our welfare I heard my Free coach shout "Give me the camera, quick give me the camera" ..... so much for sympathy and support :roll:

Scarlett

04-30-2005, 06:12 AM

TashaKat---That is soo funny! For the next holiday, that should be the picture on your card and your coach should definitely get one. I'm still chuckling. And oh...Are you okay? Snicker, snicker.

TashaKat

04-30-2005, 02:17 PM

:D

That was a while ago now and surprisingly neither of us were hurt. It was a good action shot though :D

iskatealot

04-30-2005, 08:49 PM

Here is another one that just happened the other day.
Iskatealot lands an axel YAY! however I managed 2 do it and land with my arms above my head going "YES!" of course my coach looks over sees me arms over my head, has a complete laughing fit and then starts saying that if jumping with my arms over my head helps I ought to be doing it on all my double jumps.
Also while working on a flying camel. coach says "You are jumping way to much, it doesnt have to be that big" after the next flying camel she says "YOu still actually have to JUMP"
There are more and I could think of them while i was typing the first part of this. Unfortunatly I have now forgotten so I guess that is all until I remember...

CoolbugSuz

04-30-2005, 09:33 PM

LOL...my coach was at the ice show tonight (the 2nd night of my very first ice show ever) and afterwards when I asked him how I did, he said "We need to talk about the hands. What was this claw thing?" LOL Evidently during my attitude glide I had my fingers gripped in a claw like position, instead of a graceful open hand type thing. :lol:

I attributed it to nerves. I told him we'd work on that during Monday's lesson, LOL!! Yay, my first constructive criticism!

Also, during today's group lesson, he told me "keep that leg back, or I'm gonna tie a string around it!" LOL Poor guy, he doesn't know what he got himself into agreeing to coach me, LOL! Gotta luv him just for puttin up with me! :)

Suz

*JennaD*

05-01-2005, 09:08 AM

sue123

05-01-2005, 03:51 PM

Hehe this is a really funny thread!

Well, my coach never really says anything like that to me, she just laughs really hard!! Yesterday I did a 3-turn and slipped, and she couldn't stop laughing!

-Jenna

My coach has done that to me before. Once, I was standing on the ice, talking to her, I think she was explaining something to me, and then all of a sudden, I fell flat on my face. I wasn't even moving! I think me and her were laughing for a full 5 minutes, and every time I htought about that during the lesson, I would start laughing again. Don't know how I managed to fall standing still. But apparently, I'm not her first student to fall while standing still. One apparently fell while holding onto the boards.

Melzorina

05-01-2005, 03:58 PM

I get told to have more confidence and really push into things, like salchows, and jumps in general, but I refuse. I have a fear of falling and doing things at speed scare me slightly. I wish I could get over this!!!

TashaKat

05-01-2005, 04:41 PM

My old Free Coach used to tell say to me: "Don't let your leg hang out of your knickers" .... I never did understand that one (it was always said when I was jumping).

jazzpants

05-03-2005, 02:25 AM

I'm just taking a brief two minute break at the barrier. Apparently my primary coach was also there talking with someone... He then said "Oh, everyone's skating lazy tonight...", then making sure I was within earshot, he said "Even jazzpants was skating lazy tonight too!!!" :P

Yeah??? YOU try skating for 1.5 hrs. the last two days and then skate this session too!!! :P :twisted: :lol:

Mrs Redboots

05-15-2005, 09:10 AM

My secondary coach said this morning, "Oh, it's _so_ much
easier to teach singles than pairs or dance couples - at least they don't
argue as to whose fault it is!" (But it WAS his fault!!!). (The first rule of
ice dancing is that it's always the man's fault, and the second rule is that
even if it's the woman's fault, rule no 1 still applies!) (And it was his
fault, anyway)

Sweet16*skater

05-15-2005, 10:49 AM

Well I can only think of a couple....

-``We already have a zambonie man and a machine so you can get up and stop cleaning the ice with your butt!!!!!!!!!!!!``
- Partner : I told her that it was the right foot...
Coach : Yes, I know, I did too..
Me : :frus:
- Partner : Does it hurt when I lift your leg like this?
Me : Yes...
Coach : Perfect then...lift it higher...

I'll try to think of more of them....
--------------------------------------------
My boyfriend told me to choose between him and skating......................well i guess i'm gonna miss him
Sweet16*

Hydroblade

05-15-2005, 06:15 PM

Well i think the morning after Shae lynn borne and victor kratz stopped skating together My coach went on a I hate men (since I'm the only guy) streak for the day so it would be like

"I hate how you did that jump......and men.."

great fun!

TashaKat

05-15-2005, 10:40 PM

Oh yes! How could I forget ..... :frus: When I used to skate with my ex-partner our coach used to call us either 'Bovril and Bean' or 'Bald and Crap' :roll:

Mrs Redboots

05-16-2005, 05:59 AM

Oh yes! How could I forget ..... :frus: When I used to skate with my ex-partner our coach used to call us either 'Bovril and Bean' or 'Bald and Crap' :roll:Mine referred to one couple as "Awful and Been".....

Terri C

05-24-2005, 07:23 PM

On lesson with secondary coach today, she told me this when adressing step 4 on the 5 step mohawk:

"Be a bad Catholic girl and open up those legs!" (she's Catholic too!)

Andie

05-25-2005, 12:00 AM

My former instructor told me I looked like a dog peeing because of my leg position in stroking, or a spiral.
My current instructor, after often hearing some noises I make in frustration, told me I could get a job doing the voices in cartoons. He also said he would start calling me an "old woman" if I kept making noises or complaining, and he called me that once or twice.

Both of the above mentioned instructors have thought I was cussing when I wasn't, it just sounded like I was, and they scolded me for it. I went "psh" or something and they thought I was saying "sh*t"! :frus:

Mrs Redboots

05-25-2005, 06:53 AM

From Coach2 on Sunday: "Yes, you will hurt - welcome to the wonderful world of pairs skating!"

Coach1, watching me rolling on the ice after Husband dropped me: "I see you two are pushing your boundaries! I'm delighted!"

slusher

07-23-2005, 12:14 PM

I had to go find this thread

When doing what I thought was a spiral the other day, I hear "get that leg up"

I say "I can't get it up"

Coach says " well I'm buying you some Viagra"

Yeah, it was an adult session.

(ps, I'm female)

Mrs Redboots

07-23-2005, 12:22 PM

Overheard at the rink recently, this exchange between two coaches:

"Why have all my skaters got the hump today?"

"Because they've been smoking Camels?"

samba

07-23-2005, 12:33 PM

Many moons ago I had a boyfriend that smoked Camels, soon kicked him into touch, they stink like Camels.

TashaKat

07-23-2005, 02:51 PM

My coach had a very, erm, colourful way with words. One of her less rude ones was when I was doing a LFO spiral in my artistic number:

"Breakfast! Let's see your breakfast!" ..... she meant 'get your leg higher' ... eeew, gross :oops:

sue123

07-23-2005, 07:58 PM

Apparently, I make funny faces when I'm spinning and jumping, because I tend to drop my chin which is not good, so I try to keep my head up, and it just gets me all messed up. She likes to mimic me afterwords.

stardust skies

07-26-2005, 07:07 PM

Wow, some of the comments in here actually made me physically nauseous. If any of my coaches ever said that stuff to me (especially all the gross stuff about babies, hemmorhoids, defecation, and whatnot...), I'd quit immediately. My coaches are very cordial and very proper, and I enjoy that very much. Then again I've always had very cordial and straight forward coaches throughout my life. No jokes allowed, really. Works better for me that way, joking would make it too much like hanging out and not enough like him training me and ordering me to do things and me doing them without making excuses. If I screw up, all I hear from my coaches is what I did wrong, and how to fix it. If I do something well, all I hear is 'fine, do it again...ten times". I respect my coaches and very much care what they think about me and my skating, but if they said any of the crap above, there's no way I could because I would think they were crude and not very respectful of me. Especially with the swearing. 8O Maybe I am a minority, though.

*JennaD*

07-26-2005, 07:44 PM

My dance coach pulls on my pony-tail every time I look down at my feet while I'm doing dance...also, he just LOVES to immitated the strange faces I make while doing mohawks ;)

jazzpants

07-26-2005, 08:28 PM

Oh, I got a couple more good ones...

Regarding my spin face on my sit spin... "Jazzpants! Do a sit spin" So I do one... "Darn!!! No kissy face!!! I was trying to demonstrate to <another skater> that you do the same thing she does with her face." Me: "Yeah! I FIXED IT so you will never see it again!!! BMUHAHAHAHAHA :twisted: "

Regarding my keeping my head in the direction that I'm heading on my FO3's on a straight line... "If you see this face again, you're not looking in the right direction." Then, she *demonstrates* this really gross kissy face.... Needless to say, I was looking away from her direction on the rest of my attempts... and she's cracked "Gawd! That must be some ugly face I put on there!!! You're not looking anywhere in my direction anymore!!! LOL!!!!"

Regarding my NOT looking behind me on my back crossovers from primary coach: "You're NOT look where you're going!!! Just like that time you almost ran me over with your car a few weeks ago..." (On that day, I was in a hurry to go thru a crosswalk to get to pilates. I stopped short in front of this bozo who looking at me funny... "Yeah! Stop lookin' at me like 8O ... ummm... 'Hi, coach!!! :mrgreen: ' :oops: " )

stardust skies: What works for you is fine for you! I'm not sure personally that the type of coaches that you've just described that works for me though. Could be the age thing. I'm in my late 30's now, have a "real" job/career and have NO aspirations of going to US Nationals or the Olympics! It's all in the intention of the coach in the end for me! If it takes making really vulgar comments to get me to visualize what I need to do to get my body position to where it should be and the intention is all in fun, then HEY!!! I'm not gonna knock it...

I will say though that my coaches are CAREFUL to make sure NONE of those jokes are said around the kids. (The ones said about babies was mentioned at an "adult-only public session.")

TashaKat

07-27-2005, 01:32 AM

stardust skies - I agree with JP, if it works for you then that's great. It wouldn't work for me though.

The light hearted comments don't mean for a second that they don't respect you or aren't passionate about teaching you to skate. My coach was a real tyrant when it came to working hard, she was probably the best coach in the rink and had a very high pass rate for tests and an extremely high success rate at competition. Some people couldn't deal with her, I loved her. At the same time she also demanded discipline, we knew where we stood and it wasn't messing about or hanging about. There's no reason that when you're working hard it can't be fun at the same time, for me it makes learning so much easier. It's horses for courses and all that.

Mrs Redboots

07-27-2005, 09:25 AM

The light hearted comments don't mean for a second that they don't respect you or aren't passionate about teaching you to skate. My coach was a real tyrant when it came to working hard, she was probably the best coach in the rink and had a very high pass rate for tests and an extremely high success rate at competition. Some people couldn't deal with her, I loved her. At the same time she also demanded discipline, we knew where we stood and it wasn't messing about or hanging about. There's no reason that when you're working hard it can't be fun at the same time, for me it makes learning so much easier. It's horses for courses and all that.It should probably be made clear, too, that Tashakat trained in the UK, where all, repeat all, coaches are professionally trained and have studied for several months, if not years, even to be allowed to coach under supervision, never mind take pupils without supervision. Go to the British Ice Teachers' Association (http://www.bita-uk.com/) website and click on "Information" to learn about this training. To see what is involved, click on the top left-hand button ("What's New"), which lists the training for level 1 (Assistant coach) in detail. A minimum of 50 hours as a trainee even to become an assistant coach, and, if you don't have your Level 6, a minimum of 100 hours.... You have to have an NCCP qualification to become a BITA member, and no rink would employ you as a teacher unless you were a member, for insurance reasons, quite apart from anything else.

However, the training does not remove a sense of humour! And many people learn better through vivid imagery, outrageous exaggerations, and so on. It is not meant as disrespect for the pupil, of whatever age or ability level, but rather as a mnemonic that guarantees you won't forget that particular correction!