Toddler Separation Anxiety

[Isk8NYC]

We have several kids in our Mommy & Me program (under 5 years old) who are so attached to their moms/dads that it's a bit sad. Several of them start to cry as soon as I approach. There are a few (2.5 - 3 yrs old) that are simply not ready for lessons, but there are some that will not let the parent out of sight. It's really hard to teach when they refuse to pay attention - they're constantly watching Mom or Dad.

We've just started a new session and it's going well so far, but I'd like some input to keep the momentum going.

[CanAmSk8ter]

I hear you. I teach tots quite a bit- luckily, my rink won't take them younger than four without doing a "trial lesson" first. This way we don't have the issue of parents paying for eight lessons and insisting that a kid who isn't emotionally and/or physically ready finish all eight. Of course, even at four and five y.o. we occasionally have the issues you describe.

Do you have any kind of small toys that you can throw around for the kids to pick up? This gets them a) moving, b) bending their knees to pick up the toys, and c) physically looking at something other than mommy and daddy. My rink has a bunch of little plastic aquatic animals that I think are actually supposed to be bath toys, but anything small will work- little stuffed animals, even big Duplo blocks.

Sometimes its actually easier to take the kids to a part of the ice that's away from the entrance so that they're physically farther from mom and dad. Of course, sometimes this also makes things worse. When it's just an attention issue, it can help, but when there's also separation anxiety I have a feeling it would have the opposite effect.

I had one really cute little boy a couple of years ago who had the problem you describe- constantly watching his mom rather than paying attention to me. I finally hit on the idea of having them "show mommy your backward wiggles" or whatever, and that seemed to help- he'd listen to me once he knew he would get to focus on mom for a minute after. Cute little guy- incidentally, he started off not wanting to skate at all, just wnated me to pull him around, but by the end of eight weeks he was one of the strongest skaters in the class. Had a bit of a crush on me too, LOL.

Anyway, I'll be interested in what other coaches have to suggest here.

[fluorescein]

My experience is as a parent of young skaters. I think the rink itself can be a scary place. It's big, the ceiling is high, class time can be very loud, the ice is cold and hard, and tottering around on skates can be very unsettling. I think it's impressive when a child under 5 isn't freaked out by it. Maintaining a constant connection with the parent in a situation like that is pretty age appropriate.

Are the parents actually *in* the M&M class? I would recruit them as your assistants when their child is fearful or clingy. Toys are good too. And markers. At our rink the very beginning class spends the first 5 min or so off-ice practicing arm position, marching, falling, etc. so that they are reminded of the on-ice exercises before they have to add in worrying about staying upright.

[AshBugg44]

We often let the snowbunny kids here draw on the ice with washable markers. They like that a lot. Here, the kids can start at age 3, but parents aren't allowed on the ice, except in special circumstances. One thing that worked well for one scared 3 year old was that she calls the ice "Bob" and we make sure that she wakes "Bob" up every Saturday morning by taking big loud marching steps. ;)

[garyc254]

Buy some sheets of small brighly colored round stickers (1/2" diameter max) with flowers, smiley faces, turtles, frogs, etc on them. After each class, have the kids line up to pick a sticker for you to put on their helmet.

This is ritual for our young skaters. One young boy forgot his sticker one day and was in the warming room crying. When I found out what the problem was, I rushed another sticker to him. He was all smiles again.

We don't allow skaters younger than four years old in our classes.

We also try to keep two people with each class of young skaters. We keep the classes at 10 students or less. One adult coaches while the other helps stragglers, picks up the "wounded", offers assistance, and makes humorous and encouraging comments.

Last night, I decided that all of the kids had to smile during class, so I cajoled the kids into smiling. If I caught them not smiling, the got a "stern" word (Ha, I caught you not smiling) and a (gentle) finger poke in the belly (Pillsbury Dough Boy style). We had loads of fun.

We played a new game (new to me anyway as some of the kids knew the game) last night. "Mr (or Mrs.) Clocks". I stood half way across the ice while the kids stood at the side boards. They yelled out "Mr. Clocks, Mr. Clocks. What time is it?" To which I would answer any time except 12. If I called three o'clock, then the class had to take three steps forward or three swizzles forward or somesuch. With the youngest skaters, when I called "midnight" they were to fall down on the ice and then get back up. For the little older skaters, "midnight" meant I was going to "chase" them back to the boards. Of course I never caught anyone. ;)

[AshBugg44]

^^ We've played that game too, except the kids say "What time is it Mr. Fox?" and if we say lunctime, that means they better skate back fast before they get eaten! ;)

[NickiT]

I would imagine it's hard teaching kids so small away from their parents. I took my two to our mums and toddlers class when they were 2 years old, but I stayed with them all the time. It was an informal and safe session to take tots onto the ice, but it wasn't really about teaching them to do anything specific - just the basics. Personally I think 2 and 3 year-olds are too young to take lessons. Mine started private lessons at 4 and even then it was hard-going!

Nicki

[Isk8NYC]

I do the sticker thing religiously, which keeps them from leaving the rink, but they do get off the ice. I like the games, red light/green light just doesn't work with kids that are barely moving. We also (at the end) have "cone races" to let the kids have fun. Slowly, we're making progress, but any suggestions are appreciated.

Our program is structured so that the parent and the child are on the ice at the same time. We try to get them in a group lesson format, which is hard because of latecomers and skaters needing support.

The problems come from the child refusing to: get on the ice, join the group, or (my very favorite) allow the teacher to speak to them. One little 5 year old starts to cry immediately if you say HELLO to her! She comes to the rink, the parent drags her around the ice (she won't move her feet) and any attempt at coaxing is turned away with tears. She refuses stickers, even when you offer to give them to Mom for her. Arrgh.

Yet, I have a 2.5 year old boy who is sweet and already skating on his own after two lessons. He falls and laughs about it! He tries everything, and his Mom is a great helper.

It isn't just age, it's maturity. But what coaxes them to "like" you enough for you to do your job?

[garyc254]

Originally posted by Isk8NYC
It isn't just age, it's maturity. But what coaxes them to "like" you enough for you to do your job?

Some kids you may never be able to reach no matter what you do. You just have to keep trying and hope for the best.

I'm usually easy for kids to get along with, but there are always a few that just won't warm up.

Has any other coach ever tried working with these kids? If not, try swapping classes for one session. Or, have someone assist you.

I assist and am "the enforcer with a smile, a wink, and a loud voice". I think it helps that I'm male and the coach is female. We work well together.

[AshBugg44]

Red light green light will work with little ones if you make them do dips when you say red light. Playing ring around the rosie is a good way to get them used to falling as well.

[skootz]

The ideas that some of you have are great.

Personally, I think having the parents around makes it worse. (in most but not all cases) I am a mother of 3 and 2 of them are in skating and started when they were 3-4. I put them in the line up to get on the ice..and when they went on the ice..I went and sat in the bleachers...not really in sight. Guess what..they survived.

When I see young children on the ice and they are crying etc., a lot of the problem is that the parents are there and let the kids suck up to them and crying gets their attention...sometimes if they just cut the cord..the instructors have an easier (JMHO)

[AshBugg44]

Yeah I have one parent that always stands by the wall and so the little girl is often going to her instead of paying attention to me.

[Mrs Redboots]

Originally posted by Isk8NYC
One little 5 year old starts to cry immediately if you say HELLO to her! She comes to the rink, the parent drags her around the ice (she won't move her feet) and any attempt at coaxing is turned away with tears. She refuses stickers, even when you offer to give them to Mom for her. Arrgh. The thing is, what on earth are these child's parents thinking of, to force her to skate when she obviously doesn't have fun?

Or do you suppose the child herself thinks each week that she wants to skate, and every time, can't quite break through the shyness barrier.....

[quarkiki2]

I know one set of parents (they skate themselves) who have a joke between them that a child will be OK as a skater if they stop crying after their third lesson. They say all kids cry the first thre times they get on the ice. These parents have also steadfastly refused to be the ones teaching their kids how to skate, they also didn't do Mommy (or Daddy) and Me classes. Neither of their kids ever stepped on the ice until they were 3 1/2 or 4 and asked to skate. Both kids are doing well in Learn-to-Skate now and enjoying themselves.

Honestly, every kid is different and some kids just aren't ready to handle the challenges that moving on ice make. They may not be ready at 3, 5 or even 7 -- it just depends on personality. A calm parent goes a long way to helping ease kid's insecurities, though. I've seen kids with parents who get so excited about an activity that they kids completely stress out and have a melt-down. I'm not talking about obsessed skating parents here, just the ones who wake their kids up the day of the lesson all cheerful and happy and as if skating was the most funnest thing ever. Sometimes not making such a big deal about some things is helpful because then the kid isn't all revved up and out of control. If a parent isn't quite so gung-ho, a kid may relax a bit and not build up a ton of anxiety (about the lesson and about pleasing a parent). Just my observation!